Acceptance

In the last six months I have run a gammit of emotions.  I've been hopeful, devastated, sad, depressed, angry, hurt and now comes acceptance. I think about everything I have gone through and I sometimes can't believe I'm still standing.  My life was turned upside down on Feb 18, 2008 when he told me he didn't love me anymore and was destroyed all together on May 5, 2008 when he moved out. There are so many things I've done wrong in the way I've handled this breakup.  There's no handbook that tells you the right things to say and do or the wrong things to say and do.  I've been flying by the seat of my pants and I haven't done a very good job of controlling my emotions or my situation.  I know that what I've felt is normal and the things I've done and said are because of my feelings and circumstances at the time, but right now, at this time of acceptance I can see so much of what I've done wrong. The main thing I have done wrong is allow my kids to punish my husband for falling out of love with me.  I have allowed it to continue since he moved out 3 months ago.  I haven't encouraged them but I haven't discouraged them either.  Actually I know now that I've put the responsibility of holding him accountable for what he's done directly into their laps and this was so wrong.   I know they have their own feelings because they are young adults and they are entitled to their feelings, but I know now that some of their feelings are out of protectiveness for me.  I've confided in them way too much.  I've depended on them for emotional support to much.  I've allowed them to continue to be angry with their dad because part of me wanted them to be angry - part of me wanted him to hurt like I hurt and the only people who could have this affect on him is his kids.  This was so wrong.  I've told them many times that they are the only ones holding their dad accountable for what he's done and by doing this I made them responsible for making sure he was hurting too.   And for what?  Because he stopped loving me.  Because he moved out.  It's not just his fault that he fell out of love with me, it's my fault too.  I knew that I wasn't being the best wife and I didn't do anything about it soon enough.  I know that he wasn't a great husband either, but I took for granted that he would always be there no matter how I treated him because I knew i would be there no matter how he treated me.  I always knew that I loved him more than he loved me and I should've nurtured that love instead of destroying it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking all the blame, I'm just accepting that I am to blame just as much as he is.  He didn't fall out of love for no reason.  There were plenty of reasons and I had a lot to do with most of them.  Right now my main objective is to get these kids back into their father's life.  To at least get it started by undoing the damage I have done to cause some of their anger.  I need to put a stop to the rudeness and disrespect that I have allowed them to demonstrate towards him.  If he was still living here I wouldn't have allowed it, why should it be allowed because he moved out.  The bottom line is it shouldn't be allowed.  I know it's not going to be easy for any of them to start again, the road ahead will be rough and long, but now is the time for them to start forgiving him and start loving him again.   He will always be their father, he will always be there for them and he will always love them.  He didn't fall out of love with them, he's not divorcing them.  Our relationship has nothing to do with his relationship with them or it shouldn't anyway.  Yes the dynamics of our family will have to change and adjust, but that doesn't mean they can't still have a loving relationship with their father away from the family atmosphere.  Maybe it can even be better than it was before because the time he spends with them will have more quality to it.  Maybe he'll make them more of a priority than he did before because it will be one on one.  He spent so much time away from home because of me and our bad marriage that he didn't realize how much time he was spending away from them too so maybe this will be better for all of them.  I just hope he steps up to the plate and makes sure he sets time aside for them, even during hunting season. Now comes the acceptance part for me.  My husband finally said the words to me that I needed to hear.  Enough with his beating around the bush and thinking I knew what he wanted.  I point blank asked him and he point blank told me - "I want a divorce".  So that's what I'll give him.   I have resigned myself to the fact that it's over for him.  Really, truly over.  I have done absolutely everything within my power to try and save this marriage and I can honestly say I have no regrets for trying as long as I did.  I have some regrets for the things I've said and done, but I've tried to make amends with him for these by apologizing.  The only thing left for me to do is let him go - truly let him go.   I have been looking at our seperation as if we are still married - and yes I know we still are, but he's been looking at our seperation as if he's almost divorced.  This in itself has caused a breakdown of communication.  I think I should still know what he's doing and who he's talking to and he thinks it's no longer any of my business.  Maybe this is the difference between men and women, or maybe it's the difference between him leaving me and me not wanting him to.  But at this point I know that it doesn't matter anymore.  As of right now, he is free to do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants, whenever he wants.  I really don't have a say in it anymore and I don't have a right to know.  So I'm not going to ask.  I've accepted that it is no longer any of my business and I don't want to know about any of it anymore. At this point I'm not hurt and devastated any longer, I'm just plain sad that my 23 year relationship with the love of my life is over.  I am at full acceptance that our divorce will happen and will probably happen pretty soon.  I'm not going to fight him on it.  I'm going to ask for what I'm entitled to and nothing more.   I just want him to be happy.  I know that sounds strange because of all the hurt and pain he's caused me lately, but I know that he's been miserable in our marriage for so long that right now I just want him to be happy - he deserves to be happy.  Life is too short to go through dreading every day with your spouse.  There were so many days I just didn't even want to talk to him or see him or love him and he felt the same way.  This is no kind of way to live.  Yes I believe it could've been better in the future because I would have been better, but I waited too long to fix it and I didn't listen soon enough to how bad it was for him.  I plead ignorance to the fact that I thought because I would always love him, I assumed he would always love me.  I've learned a very hard lesson in the worst way possible.   All along I've been asking God what he wants from me, what plan does he have for me.  And now I know what He wants from me.  He wants me to learn and grow from this experience with my husband and with my kids.  He wants me to find a way to bring them back into each other's life and make amends for the damage that I've caused.  I took a good long look at myself and I didn't like what I saw - a woman who was hurt and betrayed and tried to bring everyone else into her misery - especially her children.  My lesson is to stop this hurt and pain for me, my kids and my husband and move forward from this point on.  It won't be easy but it is necessary.  I've still go a divorce to face that I truly don't want, but I'm going to face it with as much dignity, class and compassion that I can.  I know now that it's not all my husband's fault - I've played just as much a part in this as he has.  I can no longer punish him for falling out of love with me. I read a quote one time that stated - "   Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for > hurting me".   It's time for me to forgive my husband.  It's time for our kids to forgive my husband.  It's time for the healing process to begin for all of us.   I will be ok when this is all said and done.  I will be happy again sometime in the future.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and someday I'll understand what that reason is.  For now I've got some damage control to do with my kids and some preparation to do for my upcoming divorce.   It's time to begin anew.