Acceptance

It's been a long, hard path.
I think I have finally accepted the truth.
The truth will set you free.
I ran from the truth, and buried my face in the warmth of a beautiful lie -- that he was a loving man who loved me. It was a comforting lie that I told myself, again and again. As I struggled to match cruel behavior against a "loving man" -- trying to reconcile facts that did not match was more stressful than I realizing.
I thought I was happy with him, but now see I was depressed. I was anxious, and my life revolved around what mood he'd be in, and trying to make his mood better. Every single day I'd do something to try to improve his mood -- cleaning more, cooking more, wearing more make-up, being "nicer," leaving him alone more, buying him a small gift,etc. It was exhausting, and it never worked -- he'd still rage at me whenever he happened to, for no reason.
I was so exhausted from this, that every night I'd sit on the couch and watch TV. I didn't go out w/ my friends (he encouraged me to go, because he seemed to hate being around me -- which wasn't true, just a control thing, like "I care so little for you, just go out and meet other guys, please). So I'd sit on the couch, too tired to go out, too tired to do anything good for myself.
Just existing. In a gorgeous apartment that meant the world to me, the prettiest place I ever lived. I thought I was so happy. I thought it was happily ever after. I felt secure with him.
I didn't realize I was in misery. I was terrified of losing that life. It felt horrible to lose it. I didn't want to let go of the "soulmate" I had found, and he DID mean the world to me, completely. All I wanted was for him to love me.
He never did.
Seeing the truth has set me free. There is no reason to be hurt or feel rejection from someone who never felt a thing for me (or anyone), ever. Every word, look, nuance, hug, gift -- all a strategic lie. All playing a part of the game that is his life: control, looking "normal," etc.
I was very angry for a while, and the panic attacks did get worse. Even over the weekend, I started to panic on a bus. Normally buses are fine, so they are my only mode of transportation. It was the last straw. I wanted to be OK and normal again,so bad, and I wasn't. My brain had been altered by this experience, and I was so upset and lost. I went home and I tried to do deep breathing and stretches, but ended up sobbing instead, uncontrollably. It wasn't like me.
But I gave into it, and it set me free.
I joked w/ friends this weekend that if he wasn't lazy, he'd kill me, because the divorce would be easier, and he took out an insurance policy on me. I told them, just in case he did, so that he would have to pay for it. Yet it didn't really scare me, because I felt the odds were low.
He wanted some papers fro me. I was going to mail them. He insisted he stop by, because it would be easier than mailing them. Again, I felt bullied into it -- and scared. But like someone at gun point, I chose my life over my wallet, and that was a good choice for me.
So I went to a public place across the street, and only told him once he'd arrived that I was there -- otherwise he'd insist I be at home. He had no choice but to meet me at the public place, or else he wouldn't get the papers.
I felt focused, but strange, waiting for him. I felt like I had a box of money to give a criminal, to release a hostage. I was the hostage. I didn't care anymore if he helped me in return. I didn't care if he paid for the divorce or not. I just wanted my life. I would give him anything, just to have my life back.
I pretended to be nice. He did too (as he always did). We chatted. It was odd. I gave him what he wanted, and reassured him that he'd get everything else he wanted. He left and I felt calm, but sad. Probably the same way you feel after giving up all you have to a criminal, so that they release a hostage.
I feel the worst is over. I now realize the potential threat he poses. I have no love left for him, now that I know the truth. My love was for a man who has never existed. I'm still sad for that. But I feel nothing for someone who feels nothing for me.
It's like that cheesy song, "I'm never gonna dance again, not the way I danced with yooou. wasted chance that I've been given." This is how I feel about him. He has wasted his chance with me. He will never get the joy of dancing with me again.
The truth has let it be finished, complete. Before, I was searching for an answer. "was it me? was it him? did I do something wrong? am I worthless? am I ugly? am I a loser?" Now, it's a simple truth. No. He doesn't really have a soul. And nothing more. My mind is calmer, and for 4 months it's been racing non-stop. Searching desperately for answers.
Now it feels calm like the wind.
I want him to leave me alone now, forever. I have felt, for the first time, joy beggining to come into my life -- never before did I feel "whole" being single. Now, seeing my friends often, doing fun things, it really feels like enough. I feel happy again. Calm. I didn't know it was possible to feel happy being single. I thought people were lying when they said that. But life is just life. You can be wrong about the things that make you happy. Sometimes it's the opposite of what you think will make you happy.
I've learned that.
I now pity him, seeing what he is. And I pity the girl who gets him. I hope she's strong enough to see past it, or weak enough that it's the wake up call she needs to finally improve her life (my story).
But life holds no joy for someone who has a shallow layer of human skin, and is filled with hollow emptiness and evil -- there is no joy in life for someone like that, who is always pretending to be "normal." and desperate to fit in, when he does not fit in. What a sad, sad way to be.
And I let him go completely now. This is where I mesh with the breeze, and let it carry me wherever it is I'm suppose to go. And I don't care if I know where that is. I know it will be good.