Accepting
Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back I can see the myriad of mistakes and pain I've caused. The main reason for my mistakes is my fear to admit who I am to myself. Because of my actions or lack there of, I began to do some soul searching. I promised my wife and I that I would be a better person. My deep reflection had unintended consequences. There was a part of me that I was terrified to face. Metaphorically, I pictured it as some animal locked in a cage but I could never make out what the animal was locked away. Every so often I would imagine one of the bars falling away. I'd tell myself that I wanted all of the bars gone so I could finally take on whatever this beast might be.
Isn't the old adage, "Careful what you wish for, you just might get it."? The beast came at me and blindsided me. It didn't simply hit and maul me. It came down like an asteroid decimating a planet, laying waste to everything about me and around me.
I knew this monster. Part of me knew that it would come back. I was the monster. The "real" me and I was tired of being held back by my fear. I was tired of hurting my wife because I was so disconnected. In truth, I simply wanted to be a better person.
The thought never occurred to me that in order for me to be that a better person I'd have to kill who I thought I was. I believed I was a husband and in the most basic ways I believed I was a man. I've had these feelings before and I was able to "overcome" them. Looking in the mirror and things just seem off. Not that I believe I am ugly but I feel as though I'm wearing a mask and I'm invisible to everyone. The mask hides the fact that I am not a man. I am a 33 year old woman who is scared of everything, especially of losing my wife.
In my head, I envision the "real" me standing victoriously over who I felt I was...looking down...saying "Never again." But like I said, I am scared of the cost. The cost feels like it is driving me insane. If everything happens like I expect it to, I will transition but I lose the person I love the most in this world. Thinking of it was too much for me and last night I had my first emotional breakdown. I literally fell to my knees sobbing. I didn't believe I would ever stop. My wife was the only thing that could console me. I never wanted her to see how much pain I am in but I had no choice. She is wonderful.
I am planning on therapy. I am also planning on finding ways to cope if I transition. I know the looks and remarks we get if we're not "passable." And in most cases I have a thick skin so I believe I can handle it. On the other hand, I believed I wasn't transgender for many years. So I am going to be prepared. Who knows, maybe I will never transition. If it comes to that then I will be smart and I will enjoy my time with my wife.
Isn't the old adage, "Careful what you wish for, you just might get it."? The beast came at me and blindsided me. It didn't simply hit and maul me. It came down like an asteroid decimating a planet, laying waste to everything about me and around me.
I knew this monster. Part of me knew that it would come back. I was the monster. The "real" me and I was tired of being held back by my fear. I was tired of hurting my wife because I was so disconnected. In truth, I simply wanted to be a better person.
The thought never occurred to me that in order for me to be that a better person I'd have to kill who I thought I was. I believed I was a husband and in the most basic ways I believed I was a man. I've had these feelings before and I was able to "overcome" them. Looking in the mirror and things just seem off. Not that I believe I am ugly but I feel as though I'm wearing a mask and I'm invisible to everyone. The mask hides the fact that I am not a man. I am a 33 year old woman who is scared of everything, especially of losing my wife.
In my head, I envision the "real" me standing victoriously over who I felt I was...looking down...saying "Never again." But like I said, I am scared of the cost. The cost feels like it is driving me insane. If everything happens like I expect it to, I will transition but I lose the person I love the most in this world. Thinking of it was too much for me and last night I had my first emotional breakdown. I literally fell to my knees sobbing. I didn't believe I would ever stop. My wife was the only thing that could console me. I never wanted her to see how much pain I am in but I had no choice. She is wonderful.
I am planning on therapy. I am also planning on finding ways to cope if I transition. I know the looks and remarks we get if we're not "passable." And in most cases I have a thick skin so I believe I can handle it. On the other hand, I believed I wasn't transgender for many years. So I am going to be prepared. Who knows, maybe I will never transition. If it comes to that then I will be smart and I will enjoy my time with my wife.
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