accepting

Within the past few days, I have been thinking a lot about how I will handle my grandmother's death. When she has bad days, I get nervous. Yesterday and today she has been not very talkative and she just stares at the ceiling. That isn't really anything new, but when I touched her, she felt cold. It just freaked me out. And when the nurse came, my grandpa asked her a question. He asked her " Does the heart stop beating because the breathing stops, or does the breathing stop because the heart stops?" I could have told him the answer to that one, but it made me realize that he is finally accepting the fact that she is dying and not going to get any better. It just broke my heart because I feel like him trying to make her better has kept him going. I guess we have both been in denial. Yeah, I have always had it in the back of my mind that she is going to die, but I've always had the attitude of, I will deal with it when it happens. Every Friday and Saturday night, my dad and I hang out and talk. Or actually, my dad talks and I listen, he doesn't really care about my feelings. But, he always talks about them dying and how hard it will be after they are gone. He has been trying to prepare himself for their death for like 10 years. Seriously. When I lived in Charleston and would come home for the holidays, he would always say, "make sure you spend as much time with mama and papa as you can because it might be the last Christmas they ever see." So, now that is all he talks about. I want to just tell him that he should be happy that they are alive now. He rarely comes down here to visit with them. It is usually once a week for like 15-30 mins. I think maybe it is because he doesn't want to see them in the fragile state that they are in. I want to talk to him about it, because I know after they die, he is going to say that he wished he came down here to see them more.
I had a dream last night. I dreamed that I walked into the living room, where their beds are, and I looked into the room that used to be their bedroom and I saw my aunt Lydia. I stayed with her when she was going down hill, and I was the only one with her when she died. But, I saw her and a bunch of other elderly people that i didn't know. they were crowding around a bed. My grandpa was sitting on his bed in the living room, and I asked him if he saw the people in the other room and he said that he didn't see anyone. Weird.
But, I don't know how I will handle her death. I think the hardest part will be seeing my grandpa mourning her. I am not the most comforting person, and when someone loses someone that they have been with for 66 years, what do you say to comfort them? No one ever reads these, but I guess its good to put your emotions out there.