ABUNDANT LIFE 3
Well, I know I've not written or been on here for ages. I've been working with people that are either in domestic violence, and now drugs/alcohol. Since I've been taking my classes and learning all my Christian Adviser stuff, I've also been attending Celebrate Recovery to help those which have needed a support group. I do this to help them get comfortable and having a safe place to hang out and be.
Since I have been attending, one of the ladies that is a leader asked if I would be interested in doing the 12 Steps and taking the classes for a year in that it may be of use helping the people I work with. I thought it sounded like a good idea and also she stated that if I wanted, maybe after completing the above, I could work within Celebrate Recovery with a support group for domestic violence & PTSD. I don't have to, but it is an option. So, I started the 12 Steps and taking the classes.
I told her I really didn't have any "issue(s)" to deal with (gambling, drugs, alcohol, etc. so I really had to think of what could I use....it then dawned on me "my wall". Now this isn't the first time God has brought up "my wall" as He did about 2 yrs ago at a conference. However, God is good, loving, gentle and patient knowing that just the hint of messing with "my wall" caused me a panic attack at the conference so He has brought the lesson around again and this time, I am farther along life, my classes and my willingness to face the truth about myself and "my wall." God wants me FREE and a wall is nothing more than a prison we build for ourselves thinking it protects us.
I must say I have had a major break through in "my wall". The first was to write a letter to make amends from pains that still have left their scar. The second was to go to the grave of someone I needed to forgive and release from my anger towards them. I lit the candle as God had asked me (NO IT WAS NOT EASY!) and prayed telling God I choose to forgive the person but that He will have to take care of the emotions. I can honestly say, after lighting the candle and praying, that later God did send to my heart a soaring lightness of joy I never expected. That freedom is so worth the work! This week, again, another large boulder in "my wall" was pointed to while working the 12 Steps and taking the classes. This is a boulder that was started in my wall when I was only 4 and I built many parts of the rest of my wall around it these 45 years. That's a long time and a BIG boulder. This is the boulder that makes me feel safe, secure, and to let go of brings sheer fear to the very core of my being. However, God is so good!
Before God asked me to let the boulder go, things this week were horrid. I realized, finally, how very very much "my wall" was costing me and hurting me emotionally. Finally, I was so sick of "my wall" all I wanted was it to be gone. This is the point one must get to before God can get us out of the way so He can truly work. Until we are sick of being in the prodigal life, we will never repent and return to all the Father has for us.
The boulder is gone now after 45 yrs. I feel free and light as if the world has been removed off my shoulders. Forgiveness when left inside for so long does not necessarily cause feelings of hatred, anger, etc. Maybe, just like me, it breeds apathy...a nothingness...a blank of emotionless. We are not created to be numb but alive in Christ.
I've not gotten rid of "my wall" completely, but it is coming down. Scared? Yes. For I do not really know the person I am going to be but only the person "my wall" permitted me to be. I may be a rose ready to bloom or a tulip or a fragrant lilac bush (my favorite!). God knows what He is doing and though afraid, I really need to have no fear for my Father will remove "my wall" a piece at a time as I am able to let go. He loves me to much to hurt me and too much to leave me as a prisoner of my own device.
Since I have been attending, one of the ladies that is a leader asked if I would be interested in doing the 12 Steps and taking the classes for a year in that it may be of use helping the people I work with. I thought it sounded like a good idea and also she stated that if I wanted, maybe after completing the above, I could work within Celebrate Recovery with a support group for domestic violence & PTSD. I don't have to, but it is an option. So, I started the 12 Steps and taking the classes.
I told her I really didn't have any "issue(s)" to deal with (gambling, drugs, alcohol, etc. so I really had to think of what could I use....it then dawned on me "my wall". Now this isn't the first time God has brought up "my wall" as He did about 2 yrs ago at a conference. However, God is good, loving, gentle and patient knowing that just the hint of messing with "my wall" caused me a panic attack at the conference so He has brought the lesson around again and this time, I am farther along life, my classes and my willingness to face the truth about myself and "my wall." God wants me FREE and a wall is nothing more than a prison we build for ourselves thinking it protects us.
I must say I have had a major break through in "my wall". The first was to write a letter to make amends from pains that still have left their scar. The second was to go to the grave of someone I needed to forgive and release from my anger towards them. I lit the candle as God had asked me (NO IT WAS NOT EASY!) and prayed telling God I choose to forgive the person but that He will have to take care of the emotions. I can honestly say, after lighting the candle and praying, that later God did send to my heart a soaring lightness of joy I never expected. That freedom is so worth the work! This week, again, another large boulder in "my wall" was pointed to while working the 12 Steps and taking the classes. This is a boulder that was started in my wall when I was only 4 and I built many parts of the rest of my wall around it these 45 years. That's a long time and a BIG boulder. This is the boulder that makes me feel safe, secure, and to let go of brings sheer fear to the very core of my being. However, God is so good!
Before God asked me to let the boulder go, things this week were horrid. I realized, finally, how very very much "my wall" was costing me and hurting me emotionally. Finally, I was so sick of "my wall" all I wanted was it to be gone. This is the point one must get to before God can get us out of the way so He can truly work. Until we are sick of being in the prodigal life, we will never repent and return to all the Father has for us.
The boulder is gone now after 45 yrs. I feel free and light as if the world has been removed off my shoulders. Forgiveness when left inside for so long does not necessarily cause feelings of hatred, anger, etc. Maybe, just like me, it breeds apathy...a nothingness...a blank of emotionless. We are not created to be numb but alive in Christ.
I've not gotten rid of "my wall" completely, but it is coming down. Scared? Yes. For I do not really know the person I am going to be but only the person "my wall" permitted me to be. I may be a rose ready to bloom or a tulip or a fragrant lilac bush (my favorite!). God knows what He is doing and though afraid, I really need to have no fear for my Father will remove "my wall" a piece at a time as I am able to let go. He loves me to much to hurt me and too much to leave me as a prisoner of my own device.
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