About what I've gone through so far.
So. I've been fighting suicidal thoughts for about two months now. I think I'm going crazy. There is literally nothing good or strong or noble about me, but I know that's not true. I think I'm loyal, I'm told I'm obsessive. I think I'm telling the truth, I'm called a liar and overdramatic. I think I'm a good dad, I'm told I don't care if my kids live or die. I think I'm logical, I'm told I'm crazy. I think I'm trying to be fair and considerate, I'm called a monster. I do something I"m real proud of, and everyone ignores it - I make a mistake, and I'm under a spotlight. I'm spinning in circles, doubting every choice I make. I'm spending hours analysing the possible results of even the slightest little conversations. I'm freezing up in the middle of conversations, unable to formulate even the simplest thoughts - except 'sorry'. I feel I can always say 'sorry.' I'm having panic attacks - real 'I couldn't be in more danger if there were an angry cobra in the room with me' level stuff. I jump a mile when people brush against me, and can barely bring myself to talk to strangers.I'm doing research - it's one thing I do well - but I can't find the information I need. My wife is a loving, concerned, Godly, giving, supportive, wonderful person - even when it's just her and me. Except for the fights. And I never know when they're coming. Or how long I can try to defend myself before she starts escalating. Or if apologizing will even prevent the escalation. She's first and foremost a mother, and our daughter has a severe medical condition. Between a history of abuse herself and the recent fear of 'if she isn't in control, then her daughter could die' which, to be fair, has been true more than once, I just fear that she'll never be too far from snapping out at me.
I cheated on her. I regret it. I've begged her forgiveness, and she's granted it to me. it still seems to come up as a hook.
I've expressed my concerns with her. She's in councelling, and we're in couples as well. She wants to fix bad behaviors that are hurting me. But not to accept them as more than 'little mistakes'. I moved out five weeks ago. I miss my two kids. My church is praying that we get things worked out quickly. My family thinks I'm overreacting, hers thinks I'm Satan incarnate. Two weeks ago, I had two friends. Today I'm down to one - Monday I was told 'my boyfriend doesn't want me talking with you anymore, and you make me cry too often. So if you contact me at all, I'm calling the police, because you're a crazy stalker.' This was my best friend of 5 years.God is the only thing keeping me stable right now. I'm shielded by Him. But it's an awfully vulnerable position I'm in, and I just don't know what to do. If my wife can change, like she wants to, I want to give her every possible chance to. The hell that my life would become with everything like, plus an ugly divorce, plus the economic nightmare, plus abandoning my kids, plus everyone I know well thinking I'm a monster who would accuse my wife of abuse rather than just leaving her some dignity... To say nothing of the damage I'd do to myself, abandoning my family, shattering my vows, giving up on a woman who loves me a lot...I just don't know what to do.
I cheated on her. I regret it. I've begged her forgiveness, and she's granted it to me. it still seems to come up as a hook.
I've expressed my concerns with her. She's in councelling, and we're in couples as well. She wants to fix bad behaviors that are hurting me. But not to accept them as more than 'little mistakes'. I moved out five weeks ago. I miss my two kids. My church is praying that we get things worked out quickly. My family thinks I'm overreacting, hers thinks I'm Satan incarnate. Two weeks ago, I had two friends. Today I'm down to one - Monday I was told 'my boyfriend doesn't want me talking with you anymore, and you make me cry too often. So if you contact me at all, I'm calling the police, because you're a crazy stalker.' This was my best friend of 5 years.God is the only thing keeping me stable right now. I'm shielded by Him. But it's an awfully vulnerable position I'm in, and I just don't know what to do. If my wife can change, like she wants to, I want to give her every possible chance to. The hell that my life would become with everything like, plus an ugly divorce, plus the economic nightmare, plus abandoning my kids, plus everyone I know well thinking I'm a monster who would accuse my wife of abuse rather than just leaving her some dignity... To say nothing of the damage I'd do to myself, abandoning my family, shattering my vows, giving up on a woman who loves me a lot...I just don't know what to do.
Replies