About to give up
I have lost count of how many times I have started this journal entry. My words get bogged down in my mind and I end up deleting it before I get further than a paragraph. We'll see how things progress this time.
I feel like I have a storm waging my chest. I don't know what I am, or who I am.
I think there will be another suicide attempt in my future. After 40+ years I am so tired of living with this depression. I don't know if it is worth it to continue with therapy. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, because I get bogged down in my thoughts and feelings.
I was feeling not too badly earlier this week until I went over to visit a friend's mom because I was concerned about her as her neighbour was giving her a hard time. I should have listened to my gut and stayed home. Criticism and judgement of things that were none of her business. There was a part of me that wanted to scream at her and tell her that it was none of her damn business, but I certainly wasn't going to yell at an 81-year-old women. I found myself trying to explain to her, to answer her questions. The entire time I was asking myself why I wasn't getting up out of the chair, bidding her a good day and walking home. But like a fool I stayed, once again letting others thoughts and opinions weigh heavy on me.
When will I learn that so long as I am okay with where things are in my heart that it doesn't matter a wit what others think??
I am giving up on me again. I'm having a difficult enough time rebounding from the depression and suicide attempt. I don't want to do this any more. If I have one more person who has never experienced this degree of depression tell me that it is my choice to be happy I think I'm going to scream.
I've been told by countless medical professionals that I have amazing insight in to my illness, and that I'm very lucky. I don't feel like I have insight. Maybe I come across as talking a good game, but if I have such amazing insight why are my heart and soul not at peace?
I am getting angry and upset just typing this. Fuck it!!
I feel like I have a storm waging my chest. I don't know what I am, or who I am.
I think there will be another suicide attempt in my future. After 40+ years I am so tired of living with this depression. I don't know if it is worth it to continue with therapy. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, because I get bogged down in my thoughts and feelings.
I was feeling not too badly earlier this week until I went over to visit a friend's mom because I was concerned about her as her neighbour was giving her a hard time. I should have listened to my gut and stayed home. Criticism and judgement of things that were none of her business. There was a part of me that wanted to scream at her and tell her that it was none of her damn business, but I certainly wasn't going to yell at an 81-year-old women. I found myself trying to explain to her, to answer her questions. The entire time I was asking myself why I wasn't getting up out of the chair, bidding her a good day and walking home. But like a fool I stayed, once again letting others thoughts and opinions weigh heavy on me.
When will I learn that so long as I am okay with where things are in my heart that it doesn't matter a wit what others think??
I am giving up on me again. I'm having a difficult enough time rebounding from the depression and suicide attempt. I don't want to do this any more. If I have one more person who has never experienced this degree of depression tell me that it is my choice to be happy I think I'm going to scream.
I've been told by countless medical professionals that I have amazing insight in to my illness, and that I'm very lucky. I don't feel like I have insight. Maybe I come across as talking a good game, but if I have such amazing insight why are my heart and soul not at peace?
I am getting angry and upset just typing this. Fuck it!!
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