About to break.
It's 1:00am in the morning and here i am on my computer thinking i am going to have a stroke any second now. I am so sick and tired of thinking i am going to have a stroke. I can't think right now very well it feels like and my mind is very fuzzy and cloudy. I hate this fear so much, I wish this obsession would just LEAVE ME ALONE. I am also starting to become obsessed with my migraine auras because they mimic strokes, and that really isn't good. I have been finding myself asking people if i am going to have a migraine aura like they are supposed to know or something. and i am also starting to become obsessed with the thought of going to the ER, and i also find myself asking people if i need to go to the ER when i know deep down inside, i do not.
I think the reason i obsess over these things is because i can't stand my sister. I can't stand her at all. I can't stand the fact that she gets to be happy and probably doesnt even remember that she sexually abused me. I can't stand her. It makes me sick to my stomach every time i hear her voice, every time i see her face, i just cant stand it. I am still dealing with holding that secret back, and i am about to break. I dont know how much longer i can hold a secret like that in for. I always feel like i am going to blow up one of these days, and it isnt going to be a pretty site. I'm so afraid of what my sister might do if i do blow up and come out about it. She scares me. Absolutely terrifies me. When she's mad, she's mad. and she goes crazy and screams really loud and its really scary. I'm going to try my hardest to not let the secret slip. I really hope i can keep it together, and not blow up and let it out once and for all.
Now i am going to attempt to go to bed. It would be very lovely if i could just stop thinking about strokes and migraine auras and going to the ER. I am sick and tired of bugging people about it. Its not fair to anyone. I hate bugging people about my anxiety problems.
I think the reason i obsess over these things is because i can't stand my sister. I can't stand her at all. I can't stand the fact that she gets to be happy and probably doesnt even remember that she sexually abused me. I can't stand her. It makes me sick to my stomach every time i hear her voice, every time i see her face, i just cant stand it. I am still dealing with holding that secret back, and i am about to break. I dont know how much longer i can hold a secret like that in for. I always feel like i am going to blow up one of these days, and it isnt going to be a pretty site. I'm so afraid of what my sister might do if i do blow up and come out about it. She scares me. Absolutely terrifies me. When she's mad, she's mad. and she goes crazy and screams really loud and its really scary. I'm going to try my hardest to not let the secret slip. I really hope i can keep it together, and not blow up and let it out once and for all.
Now i am going to attempt to go to bed. It would be very lovely if i could just stop thinking about strokes and migraine auras and going to the ER. I am sick and tired of bugging people about it. Its not fair to anyone. I hate bugging people about my anxiety problems.
Replies
iam sorry your going through all this. those are major panic attacks your getting. i think its due to your sister being in the same house hold. i feel like what happen needs to be address so you can heal, keeping it a secret is killing you inside. i think your family needs to know, and iam pretty sure your sister knows what she did, you don\'t forget something like she did. i pray things get better and the truth comes out. good luck and god bless you