Abandonment Issues with a capital A!!!
I was meant to have Family Therapy today but (as I thought) my Mum couldn't make it. Instead my therapist said we could meet. He told me that he wants to stop my other 1/2 hr appointment now that I have a key worker (they were short staffed before). I know I shouldn't but I just feel so hurt by this. It feels like he's abandoning me while i'm in this really bad place. I know the logical reasons but as usual my head is twisting it and I keep thinking "what if it's just that he just doesn't want to, or doesn't think it's worth it, or that I've pissed him off for not being able to talk so it's wasting his time". I just feel horrible about it.Today at day patients within the space of about 3 hours I was called "stubborn", "obstinate", "frustrating" and "rude". The first two I know my head has once again twisted it and it wasn't used in the context that I now feel it was. But it still hurts. They came from my therapist. The second two came from my key worker. 'Frustrating' because I'm finding it hard to talk to him about things and 'Rude' because I walked out of 'Creative Expressive' group today. It was about motivation and after the session I had just had, writing a letter about 'Where I want to be in 5/10 years time' would have been a big mistake. I'm trying NOT to get sectioned! I don't think after reading a letter of suicidal ideations I would have stood much chance.So after having key work I went to phone my Mum to tell her about the therapy session. I was still quite upset about it. But when she answered it was clear she wasn't on her own and didn't want to talk (later I found out she was with the guy she is seeing). ...Well, that was it. I said it didn't matter and hung up. I went down to the toilets, locked myself in and just completely lost it. I was hysterical. Crying, shaking, rocking...a mess. I just literally felt like throwing myself against the wall in there! I ended up bruising all down the side of my arm along the bone and punched the wall twice. After I'd done that I was able to calm down a bit so I just sat there in a ball crying for about 1/2 hour.Now, although I still feel pretty rubbish when I think about what went on today. I feel like it happened a few days ago. I feel completely disconnected from it. I think it's my head protecting me from ending up in that state again if I think about it too much. Trouble is, it's all going to hit me again sooner or later. Usually when something else happens to trigger all those feelings again.It's another Fast Food day tomorrow! Bloody burger and chips! I'm dreading it. It's the worst one!
Replies
It is good your mind is protecting you right now, it sounds like your day was pretty horrible and that is why our mind has these defense mechanisms. Just try and take it one day at a time...that\'s all the advice i can give, sorry.
i understand what you mean about thearpists i feel although mine don\'t really listen.i\'m sorry you are having a tough time of it i\'m here if you need to chat .
Sorry your mum isn\'t there for you as much as you\'d like. At the end of the day you have to get better for you. i\'m really worried about how destructive you\'re feeling. Here for you. x