Abandonment
When I was in high school one of my friends ran away from home. Like - forever ran away. I wasn't that close to her at that point, so I didn't know that she was going to until after the fact. I don't even remember how I found out.
I always envied her a little even though I know what she endured after leaving home was hell. The thing is - she got out. She broke free. She made a life for herself away from her alcoholic mother. I stayed. Both of my parents were drinkers and while I think they functioned better than my friend's mom, it was no way for any of us to live.
I would never have left, though. Not on my own, certainly, but even if my friend had offered to drag me along with her, I wouldn't have gone. Too many times my mom would walk out. Sometimes for an hour, other times a day, once when I was in high school for three weeks, and then after I'd married and moved away she left home and cut all ties for two years. I hate feeling abandoned so I can never bring myself to do that to my own family.
My biodad left when I was eight months old. Years of counseling and insistence by friends that it had nothing to do with ME hasn't alleviated that sense of "not good enough". Sure, he left because he was abusive and bipolar and wanted to do right by stopping the toxic cycle he and my mom had created. Or he was just young and unequipped to cope do he bolted. Whatever the case, some part of me always feels that he abandoned me because I was not good enough.
When H and I fight, he leaves. He gets in his car and drives away. It triggers such a strong feeling of abandonment and distress that I had resorted to cutting to handle the pain and hopelessness. I haven't cut since sometime after DDay (a few months maybe?) after a long discussion with a close friend who convinced me that I deserved to take care of myself and protect myself and I shouldn't compound things by hurting myself more.
Even after counseling, even after constantly trying to remind him of how distressing it is, he still will storm out without a word. He won't tell me where he is going or when he will be back. He has gotten better but it's not all better. Even when he doesn't leave the house he is still inclined to "check out" rather than deal with things. The kids have noticed and discussed this issue amongst themselves and with me.
And. Here I sit again with him gone and the kids worried and me in a state of emotional meltdown. I seriously wonder at times like this why I bother.
I always envied her a little even though I know what she endured after leaving home was hell. The thing is - she got out. She broke free. She made a life for herself away from her alcoholic mother. I stayed. Both of my parents were drinkers and while I think they functioned better than my friend's mom, it was no way for any of us to live.
I would never have left, though. Not on my own, certainly, but even if my friend had offered to drag me along with her, I wouldn't have gone. Too many times my mom would walk out. Sometimes for an hour, other times a day, once when I was in high school for three weeks, and then after I'd married and moved away she left home and cut all ties for two years. I hate feeling abandoned so I can never bring myself to do that to my own family.
My biodad left when I was eight months old. Years of counseling and insistence by friends that it had nothing to do with ME hasn't alleviated that sense of "not good enough". Sure, he left because he was abusive and bipolar and wanted to do right by stopping the toxic cycle he and my mom had created. Or he was just young and unequipped to cope do he bolted. Whatever the case, some part of me always feels that he abandoned me because I was not good enough.
When H and I fight, he leaves. He gets in his car and drives away. It triggers such a strong feeling of abandonment and distress that I had resorted to cutting to handle the pain and hopelessness. I haven't cut since sometime after DDay (a few months maybe?) after a long discussion with a close friend who convinced me that I deserved to take care of myself and protect myself and I shouldn't compound things by hurting myself more.
Even after counseling, even after constantly trying to remind him of how distressing it is, he still will storm out without a word. He won't tell me where he is going or when he will be back. He has gotten better but it's not all better. Even when he doesn't leave the house he is still inclined to "check out" rather than deal with things. The kids have noticed and discussed this issue amongst themselves and with me.
And. Here I sit again with him gone and the kids worried and me in a state of emotional meltdown. I seriously wonder at times like this why I bother.
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