arrg

Well, as painful as this is, I have to admit that I once again caved to the nicodemon.   I made the mistake of calling my cousin to get directions to a health food store and cheap place to buy birdseed and got all entangled in her and my aunt's codependent sick relationship crap.  My cousin is having panic attacks and is practically agoraphobic, describing in great detail her irritable bowel syndrome, but still continues to drink Dr. Pepper (and she's diabetic) and eat the only five things she will eat:  Fried shrimp, french fries, tomatoes, lettuce and pineapple casserole.  I went down there this weekend on Saturday to help my aunt pack to move into a smaller apartment, and my aunt was practically non-functional.  They are crippling one another, and neither can seem to stop, and it's breaking my aunt - financially and emotionally.  She is stuck in her circular thinking and can't seem to make a move because she keeps trying to make a decision that's best for both of them, where she needs to make the decision based on herself.  My cousin is over 60, and my 80 y.o. aunt still pays half her living expenses.  It's ridiculous.  See, right now as I'm talking about this I want to smoke.  I can't be their therapist, but in another way, I can't NOT be - it's just who I am.  They're right, though (whoever they are) you can't do therapy with family or friends.  I just wish I knew how to stop.  Anyway, I fell off the wagon, and don't know when or how to get back up, or really if I want to right now.  Smoked one night before last, two last night.  Hopefully, I can again keep it to a minimum before I set another quit date.   I have also been having a really hard time lately with all the one year anniversary smobriety dates.  All those folks started AFTER me, and it seems to be making me feel that much more of a failure.  Don't get me wrong, I am extremely proud and happy for them, it just points to my inability.  Blech.  I hate I'm writing this, but what can you do, but be honest and hang in there?