A year Later, better off now? Life DOES go on that is the only thing I am sure about!
I can't belive it has been a year since I met Jerry and took a big chance and jumped off the cliff again. I was married for 20 years to an abussive drunk. Then fell in what I thought was REAL love to a guy a knew from high school. I was soooo sure Tony was my soulmate and the man I would live happily ever after with. My reward for all the years and effort I had made with my husband because he was my childrens' father to keep our family together. The after not even two years with Tony, having a house built together and all. He cheats on me and tells me he is not ready to settle down and be a family. He by the way, is still not sure! He still emails, calls texts. Acts like he cares. Tells me loves me at least three times a week, every week. He knows I have tried to move on. He knows Jerry ad I and our four kids live together as a family. He doesn't cross the line but he still tries to make me believe the final chapter of US remains to be written. I love him, always have, always will but I don't trust him, don't know if I ever could again. I don't know if we will ever try again or not. It will just never end with us. He has had a live in girl over the last year too. They didn't last long and he never stopped talking to me. We are JUST friends. No crossing the line. I am not a cheater or liar and too much of a lady. but the desire remains for some stupid reason.Jerry is a whole other story. I love him. I do. He makes me laugh and is good to my kids and me for the most part. He is not very ambitious. He got laid off quite a few months ago and I have been the main bread winner for us and our combined four kids! The pressure on me is great. Last week, right after telling my employer I was going to be out for 8 weeks for a needed surgeory, I was terminated. Now we have no income and I can't even look for a job until after my surgeory and recovery. Jerry has been all over the map with the signals he sends me. Sometimes he is the most comforting, supportive, loving man you could ever ask for. He says we are in this together ad he will find a way to see us through it. Then other times he makes me feel like he is looking to find a way out since I can no longer contribute. Some of that could be my famous low self esteem! Right now I have nothing to offer, no income, in poor health, sure I have looked prettier in the past. My own lack of self worth right now probably adds so much to my insecurity. It is not all unfounded. After living together several months. I found out Jerry was a recovering crack head! He is also a Christian ad I have this habit of trying to believe in people and forgiving mistakes and believing people can change and deserve second chances. He has slid several times in the past year. So I see problems even when there are not any. He is a very loving, capable man. I believe he wants to live right and make our family work, not to mention he is a fine behind looking young, strong man, that still makes me crazy to touch. Nothing hotter tha a reformed bad boy! LOL But again I don't trust him. I have pretty much decided after all I have been through I can only trust myself and my God to get me through life. and the few true friends I have made along the way, they are very few. The people I have met on DS are some of the best and most true I have ever made in my life.This is a good place, one of the few good, safe places, good people can go to get real good people to listen and help us through our struggles.I have no idea how my life is going to turn out. WIll Jerry step up and will we make it. WIll I give Tony another shot. Will I end up alone or with someone else? Only God knows. I am kind of glad I do not need to make the decision. I'm sure I would choose the wrong path. I am famous for that. Stay tuned and we will find out together, I guess.