A year ago today

A year ago today i lost the greatest man i ever knew he was my rock he raised me took care of me taught me how to ride my first bike and no matter how much i screwed up he was always there to pick me up he was my Pawpa (grandpa) it was the hardest day of my life the day he passed away i was there with him taking care of him the same way he had taken care of me my whole life i couldnt believe it he was gone and never coming back it was the biggest lost in my adult life the one that ment the most to be was gone. I dont think i will ever get over it and nor do i want to i never want to forget him its so sad my kids will not know him llike i did. So on this day my 17dpiui i decided this was going to be the day i took a hpt, i thought maybe my Pawpa is with me and knows how much i want this. But on this day i got another BFN!!!! Now im think why did I ever have hope this month was going to be it ? AF is not suppose to be here till the 29th and my husband says still have faith and he has been praying like crazy. Everyone i talk to says its easier to get prenant when your not trying, why do people tell you that, if i want another baby i dont have much time my endo is getting worse by the months and my mental health and physical health is not always so good, im in bed all the time i cant handle the pain and mentally im worn out im always mean and a grouch and never want to do anything with anyone im always online looking for answers and symptoms and anything that gives me hope but i know realize if its not my time its not my time so with that said hopefully before X-mas i will be pregnant!