A Year Ago and Somber (written 10-03-09)

I thought I posted this when I wrote it, but I did not, I wrote it Oct 3, 2009. I am off this week from work, and I came into this week with a great somber hesitation edged with fear. This week one year ago, was for me so much more painful than that night fifteen years ago. Last year I was triggered into my first flashback, to the point I did not know where or when I was. As I have taken a look back at all I have done this year mentally and physically. Also my whole life to include my not so happy childhood. I have realized that I am such a young Survivor. I stayed up yesterday and today for no known reason I can put into words. I beat myself mentally this year over and over, ok a little physical too, and this week started it. As for the somber hesitation, I guess I was excepting it to happen again, the flashback, or some horrible. It’s hard to explain my sometimes un-sensible paranoia, for lack of a better example “idol hands are the Devil’s handy work.” I have been home almost the whole week off now and it’s ok, not awesome, not good to be at home, not my favorite holiday, not time with the kids, just ok … somber. I did get some unhealthy, not good time with my self in the bedroom, but it was different this time. I realized why I do what I do, or in my opinion anyway, and that is good. It is a large step to stopping. I am human, and so was he. I was placed in his path to learn something, a horrible lesson, one that I have refused to, or was not ready to learn so long ago. I can’t and will not judge myself against anyone in this world, yet I judge myself for making it so hard on me. Why didn’t I deal with it when it happened? Why did I not tell anyone? Why did he get away? Did he do it again? How many times more? Was it my fault? I have been taught at work that if you do something “wrong” or against policy it is ok. Ok if you do not lie, which I did to myself, sure it didn’t happen, sure it was training. And ok if the majority of people with the same knowledge would have done the same thing at the same time. How could an eight-teen year old girl, new in the military, not know it was so wrong! I’m sure I knew it was wrong, but I went from I’m in the middle of no where, but protected – to in the middle of no where within the enemy. I lied to myself – it was training, “good job soldier” is what he said, I can’t show I’m weak or they might do it again, play it off, stay in good with them, and go home. How could I forget, or blow it off so readily? I was in the middle of no where, I could have been left to die. I have fought all these questions and a thousand more, leading to a million more, and I am left with one thing … I did what I did to survive. I can see all that is good in this world on all levels, from the veins in a blade of grass to all the great people (like the ones I met at the retreat). Yet I am still somber. I am grateful and p!ssed at the same time. I know it could have been worse or was it worse because I let him have control over me for so long? And I ramble on … I am glade my fears leading to this week were just a bit over worked and unreal predictions. I know I can take my life back.