A Work in Progress

Monday, August 3, 2009 - 1:45 PM I have spent a good part of the past few days figuring out how to tell my CNA that she can no longer have any of my medication. Theoretically, it should be an easy task, but I realize it is going to be hard for me mainly because it is always difficult for me to say "no" to those who are helping me. If things go as planned, this should be relatively easy even for me, but there is often a difference between what I plan to do, and what I actually do.   Dr. Martin told me that I should start out by telling my CNA that I do not mean to hurt or offend her, but that I will no longer give her any of my prescribed medicine. If she tries to give me an argument about this, then I am prepared to tell her that this is his way it is going to be, and that there is no use arguing about it.   I went to the grocery store (with a personal care provider) yesterday, which is something that I have not done for about a year and a half. I usually leave it to my CNA to do this for me, but have begun thinking that I am becoming too dependent on her and others. By doing some, or all, of this for myself, I will regain some of my independence that I seem to have lost to them. This will give me not only an opportunity to get out by myself, but I will be seeing and talking with others, which may help to lessen my depression and increase my self-esteem.   This morning I wrote an e-mail to my brother and invited him to go on a picnic with me at a park that he located. I passed by it as I went to the grocery store yesterday. It was about a three-mile round trip by wheelchair. It only took me about 15 to 20 minutes each way. Since going to the park was one of the activities my brother wanted to do with me, I decided to invite him here to do just that either next week or the one after. It will be interesting to receive his response.



Jim, I\'ve noticed that it\'s hard for SA survivors to say no period - let alone to those who are helping them. You are not alone in this. It\'s directly related to the past. Whatever happens, I hope you know that you have proven you have the brainpower to protect yourself now. You have been building up to this over the last while. Whatever emotions it may bring up you can share here. I\'ve had my own issues with saying NO and I\'ve talked to many others on here who\'ve had a hard time with it. I\'ll be rooting for you.

Congrats on the grocery store! I know you\'ve been feeling somewhat agoraphobic lately so that is a big accomplishment. I\'m proud. I hope you are too.

I hope your brother says yes

I think this should have a nice smiling face on it instead of the horrible red face.
This is a good journal entry.
YOU are good, too.
The grocery store sounds like a nice experience.
Yes, you will gain more confidence the more you interact with your external reality.
I know it is that way for me. But, I sure do tend to isolate.
Besides, you will see things in stores that you might not have suggested to your aids.
It is hard to speak up when we have the background that contained controlling abuse.
But....think about if first. Who is your real self ? Who is the person you would be without the past abuse ?
I know who he is. We all do. We see him shine even in your darkest and downtrodden moments.
Use a visual to move aside the debris left by abusers.
You have rights.
Clear those murky hypnotic clouds of insecurity that were put there by abusers.

You could write her a letter and tell her how you feel. Hand it to her while she is there or as she is leaving.
Maybe Dr. Martin might considering writing her a note.
That may be just a little to over the line for her to do, but it may work.
After all, she does have the authority to report abuse of one of her patients to your health care agencies.
Think about the worst case scenario with this babe.
How would you handle it ?
If she starts screaming and yelling...how would you feel ? What would you do?
Think about why confrontation upsets you.
For me, it may be that I fear someone not liking me, or someone disapproving or rejecting my actions.
Think about that one. Who the hell cares what she thinks ? This woman uses people...not nice...not nice at all.
I know exactly how you are feeling.
But, while I still have trouble speaking up, I am learning more and more to do so when necessary.
If I can do it, you are in like flint.
Picture this woman coming in and stealing your food, or your bed or your clothes. Would you not yell and say...HEY LADY !! ??
You don\'t have to get all angry and puffed up to defend yourself.
You can be calm and clear.
Work on feeling the discomfort of her disapproval beforehand.
Have someone there with you for the confrontation, if you like.
They could stay in a private place so they would not overhear what is being said...if that is best for you....but they would be there for moral support and for your safety.
But, she has got to go, JimK. Well, I am overstepping by telling you what to do.
Sorry about that.
She does not have your best interest in mind...not even a tad.

Go to the park. It sounds awesome.
You could take some sandwiches, fresh fruit, or sweet treats. You could bring a thermos of iced coffee or lemonade.
The park will be good for you.
Feed breadcrumbs to the birds.
Inhale the fresh air and sunshine.
Get tan lines !!!

As far as that aid goes, you know what you have to do to be true to yourself.
But, remember to be gentle and forgiving with yourself.
We all know how hard it is for most of us to defend ourselves.
Practice it until you feel a little better.
Seriously, I think the Weebs and I need to do a drive by....
We will drench her in shaving cream and point the way out of town.
I remember when one of my DILs said something oppressive to me.
You had a very, very direct and very powerful short comment.
You stuck up for me with strength and conviction.
This can be a very positive outcome for you.

I never know hot to print these things out corectly.
But, if you don\'t want to interact with her, I am leaving a song link for you.
Tell her to plug into this :


You are good and deserving man.
You are entitled to the very best life has to offer
Name it and claim it. It belongs to you.

Think shaving cream and two bitchy women...lots and lots of shaving cream.

Hi Jim So glad to hear you\'re feeling better. It always helps my depression to go out a bit. Always good to see people too. I hope you and your brother have a nice lunch in that park soon. many hugs to you always-Stephanie

I agree with you therapist about standing your ground with the prescription medication. I can see how it would be a difficult task for you. It would be for me too, especially when it is someone who I need help from. I hope it goes smoothly for you.

It will be nice to get out to the park. I would love to go to the park myself.

Jim I\'m Happy for you it sounds like you know what you want and thats great. I know it\'s a good feeling when we start to take back our life and do the things we can.

As for Your CNA it sounds like your on the right track I know it will be difficult but I think it\'s the right thing to do and in the long run you are going to feel so much better about things.

Good Luck My Friend Please let me know how this all works out and also I hope you and Your Brother have a Great Picnic it sounds like a good time coming your way!!

Still cheering for you, Jim.

What Good God said AND the song too!

Sorry I\'m late Jim... Been feeling really low and blah.

I hope you\'ll be able to update us soon.

Hugs and Mojo