A work in Progress
I had my first EMDR session with my counselor yesterday.More of a setup meeting . Establishing baselines and internal safe zones.
Started talking about triggers. Gave her a list of 3 triggers I have. PeterF music, a handkerchief and I can't remember the third right now. For some reason I started with the music. I relived the pain of way I cant' stand to hear peter frampton. I puts me back to being 15 yrs old. back to my father handing me a paint thinner soaked rag to take to my bedroom. Putting on a stack of records. The same stack of records.I could hide in the routine of listening to the same music every week. The only music that triggers me is the Peter Frampton music. "Do you feel like I do"
My mother went bowling and my father would get the rag ready. I would put on the music and sniff the rag to get high. It released my inhibitions and caused me to have orgasms while my father molested me.
I hated myself fro that. It was something ''''we did together" . I hated myself for remembering that I enjoyed sex with him on occasion, when I first remember it almost 20 years ago.
I have mostly forgiven myself for my bodies response to the physical sensations. Our bodies were made for pleasure.
My father was evil personified for doing that to me. It made me hate myself.
It hurt to remember. It hurt me but did not destroy me as it did when I first remembered. It sparked some anger. Some healthy energizing anger.
I believe that spark of anger will help me thru this process. I am able to use that anger to convert my self hatred to putting the blame on my dad, where it belongs.
I realize that I remember in chunks. I did not recall the memories from last week when I met with my counselor this week. It is concerning because I know there are so many more memories.
Started talking about triggers. Gave her a list of 3 triggers I have. PeterF music, a handkerchief and I can't remember the third right now. For some reason I started with the music. I relived the pain of way I cant' stand to hear peter frampton. I puts me back to being 15 yrs old. back to my father handing me a paint thinner soaked rag to take to my bedroom. Putting on a stack of records. The same stack of records.I could hide in the routine of listening to the same music every week. The only music that triggers me is the Peter Frampton music. "Do you feel like I do"
My mother went bowling and my father would get the rag ready. I would put on the music and sniff the rag to get high. It released my inhibitions and caused me to have orgasms while my father molested me.
I hated myself fro that. It was something ''''we did together" . I hated myself for remembering that I enjoyed sex with him on occasion, when I first remember it almost 20 years ago.
I have mostly forgiven myself for my bodies response to the physical sensations. Our bodies were made for pleasure.
My father was evil personified for doing that to me. It made me hate myself.
It hurt to remember. It hurt me but did not destroy me as it did when I first remembered. It sparked some anger. Some healthy energizing anger.
I believe that spark of anger will help me thru this process. I am able to use that anger to convert my self hatred to putting the blame on my dad, where it belongs.
I realize that I remember in chunks. I did not recall the memories from last week when I met with my counselor this week. It is concerning because I know there are so many more memories.
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