a week...

My baby already a week old. wow. we doing good. got pictures done today at wal mart. she is just too cute. they way she looks at me, sleeps like me. i have to be careful, i keep letting her sleep in the bed with me, she is never going to want to sleep in her crib! but its so much easier right now to feed her. everyone just adores her, she is so good. and so loved. I saw the dad, who is suposedly "out to sea" driving on the freeway today. no one can get in contact with him, he returns no phone calls, not even to his parents. which is fine. i don twant to talk to him, or see him. i sent him a picture of her to his phone, saying your loss. thats it. i HOPE he never wants to see her. someday i can find her a father, a real DAD, someone who will be there for her and claim her and love her and take care of her. he is nothing to us. he had his chances. and has proven himself incompetent and worthless. I made her, alone. forget the 10 minutes (if that) he put in towards her creation. My friend from work has always made it openly known how he feels about me, and he loves Ariyah, and he told me that he would take the job... and if i didnt want him, then he would be fine just being her uncle and friend. but either way he wants a part of her life. and is doing everything he can to help us out. i should probably give him a chance. but im scared, and have a hard time getting past my predujices, cause he is a little overweight. but we have alot in common. im just so scared i will end up "settling" again, like i did before. my idea of how people should be is so warped. i mean, matt was oh so nice. then look at me now? but this man is not dumb at least. who knows. i know looks dont really matter that much... but why does it bother me so now? its not like ive dated the hottest men on the planet. hell, a couple of my ex's were fat or just ugly really now looking back. why should it matter now? im emotional after having the baby, and this guy is there. im not allowing myself to make any decisions of any sort at this time. but he has been my sounding board, for just about everytime i have been upset about whatever. he is always there when i call, always if i need anything. i feel like its been a long time since anyone has been there for me. i havent allowed anyone to hug me, hold me, or even comfort me, whether i wanted it or not. i just gritted  my teeth and accepted the pain. is it so bad to want that now? i mean, its over, i did it, i made it. alone. my baby is born, i couldnt even think of being with someone while pregnant with another mans baby, even an asshole, it seemed, dirty to me somehow. but now? can i allow myself to lean on someone for a minute even?  im just so afraid. i have to make things work for me and her. i dont know if i can allow anyone in our lives like that until im done with college. that makes me what, 30? 31? 32? before i can start a relationship? but then again, what if i want another baby now that i have had one? i dont know. im just being emotional.  and i find myself calling this man more and more for comfort reasons, and looking forward to his visits, but unable to get past the weight factor, i dont know. well thats all of my thoughts for now. got to sleep while i can!!!