A visit to my classmate
We are visiting with a nursing classmate whom I have not seen in several years. We have communicated by email from time to time but have lost track of each other as we have raised our kids, and lived our lives.
I felt the need to reconnect so emailed and suggested we get together as we were coming through Vancouver. She invited is to stay with her and her husband. We had a lovely evening catching up.
As we were preparing dinner and chatting, she asked me if I minded talking about Lisa. I smiled and said "Absolutely not, I love talking about her". I did add that I may cry and she was fine with that. I appreciated her directness in asking me, rather than avoiding the subject.
I just read Teri's journal and it really got me thinking about how we view death, dying and grieving. I guess because we live longer, we now see death and grieving as somehow abnormal. As someone said, "We don't get out of here alive". It is inevitable, and grieving the losses is normal. But society is uncomfortable with the whole idea.
Even our terminology is evasive. We don't die, we pass away. Doctors are uncomfortable and often avoid elderly and/or terminal patients because they can't 'fix' them.
Death, dying and grieving are not abnormal. As a nurse, I have worked with the elderly and had the honor of being with people as they breathed their last breath, and supported their families. As a new nurse, we were taught to be 'professional' i.e. don't show emotion. I must have seemed like a heartless b..ch. Over the years, thanks to professionals such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, many of us in the helping professions are now able to support people through the process with understanding and compassion. I now hug families, cry with families and support them on their journey.
Like my classmate Bev, I ask them what they are comfortable with. I don't automatically hug them - I ask first. So far, only one person has said NO. She said she was not a hugger, and that was okay.
The one thing this journey has taught me, is that I have mostly been doing things right. But sometimes, having been on the other side, so to speak, I tend to analyze myself and other helpers. Hence, when I visited a grief counselor, I got frustrated because in my opinion, he wasn't doing it right. It has been hard to be the one who needs support, rather than the one offering support.
Today, I am celebrating another classmate's birthday - she is also in Vancouver visiting with her daughter. I guess I have come a long way (thanks to my SOTHs). I will be able to laugh and enjoy myself. I will probably shed a tear or two after but that is just fine. It is here on FMO that I have learned how to accept as well as offer support. I am thankful every day that I found you.
Tomorrow we get on the ferry to Vancouver Island and then drive across to one of the most beautiful, serene places in the world, Long Beach and Tofino.
Lisa: I know you will be with us. But, I will miss my Christmas hugs, opening gifts, and our family dinner. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
I felt the need to reconnect so emailed and suggested we get together as we were coming through Vancouver. She invited is to stay with her and her husband. We had a lovely evening catching up.
As we were preparing dinner and chatting, she asked me if I minded talking about Lisa. I smiled and said "Absolutely not, I love talking about her". I did add that I may cry and she was fine with that. I appreciated her directness in asking me, rather than avoiding the subject.
I just read Teri's journal and it really got me thinking about how we view death, dying and grieving. I guess because we live longer, we now see death and grieving as somehow abnormal. As someone said, "We don't get out of here alive". It is inevitable, and grieving the losses is normal. But society is uncomfortable with the whole idea.
Even our terminology is evasive. We don't die, we pass away. Doctors are uncomfortable and often avoid elderly and/or terminal patients because they can't 'fix' them.
Death, dying and grieving are not abnormal. As a nurse, I have worked with the elderly and had the honor of being with people as they breathed their last breath, and supported their families. As a new nurse, we were taught to be 'professional' i.e. don't show emotion. I must have seemed like a heartless b..ch. Over the years, thanks to professionals such as Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, many of us in the helping professions are now able to support people through the process with understanding and compassion. I now hug families, cry with families and support them on their journey.
Like my classmate Bev, I ask them what they are comfortable with. I don't automatically hug them - I ask first. So far, only one person has said NO. She said she was not a hugger, and that was okay.
The one thing this journey has taught me, is that I have mostly been doing things right. But sometimes, having been on the other side, so to speak, I tend to analyze myself and other helpers. Hence, when I visited a grief counselor, I got frustrated because in my opinion, he wasn't doing it right. It has been hard to be the one who needs support, rather than the one offering support.
Today, I am celebrating another classmate's birthday - she is also in Vancouver visiting with her daughter. I guess I have come a long way (thanks to my SOTHs). I will be able to laugh and enjoy myself. I will probably shed a tear or two after but that is just fine. It is here on FMO that I have learned how to accept as well as offer support. I am thankful every day that I found you.
Tomorrow we get on the ferry to Vancouver Island and then drive across to one of the most beautiful, serene places in the world, Long Beach and Tofino.
Lisa: I know you will be with us. But, I will miss my Christmas hugs, opening gifts, and our family dinner. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
I\'m grieving. I miss Kala. I still cry...sometimes I even still scream. I\'m not over it and I\'m not looking for closure.
I don\'t have a disease that needs to be cured. I\'m not sick...and I\'m certainly not contagious!
I AM NORMAL!
Love you my dear friend and I love hearing about Lisa and yes, I cry with you and am proud and honored to do so!
WE ARE NORMAL!!
What a beautiful journal. It warms my heart that you have found companionship here. It is a wonderful group of women...and YOU are one that truly companions others. Thank you and enjoy your travels and I know you will feel Lisa there with you. Love and hugs....Karen
You have been doing it \"right\" dear Marlene, because you continue to show, up, ask permission of others as to what they may need and are there to follow through when they let you know. This is a heartfelt friend and companion indeed.
I actually remember the most tenderly those health care professionals, family and friends who have cried WITH me. They are the ones who will forever touch my heart. If the tears are there they flow and that \"shut off\" valve is no longer there for me. :)
I thank you for being here and wish you a safe and gentle trip always carrying Lisa tucked safely away in your beautiful and loving heart.
Isn\'t this the healing effect of these journals... You read Teri\'s and it unlocked things that you needed to share. This is grace and healing in action! Thank YOU!
Loving care dear Marlene and thinking of you and yours.
XO Joanie
Sounds like you have a very dear and wise friend and that you have been a very dear and wise comfort to a lot of people.
Terry
I do not know what is wrong with the American culture. Death is packed away soon after the funeral day is done. Now I have old friends that won\'t even talk to me. I have reached out lovingly at least two or three times to bring them back into my life to no avail. Teri said it well when she commented that it is not contagious. However to be fair, I was no different before Josh left us. I didn\'t know what to say or what to do. What is wrong in this country? Aaaaaargh! Why do we not have \"grief leave\" from work? How can we change the discomfort and awkwardness that surrounds death? Why can we celebrate birth but not what \"forever after life\" in which we believe? And as Abby says, \"Enough.\"
Submitted with love,
Leda
Dear Marlene, we know that our children would want us to be merry and to enjoy our friends, old and new, during these holidays. I am so glad for you that you bravely go forward. It is too tempting to stay burdened with the grief and sit in one spot, grieving. Life is for the lliving, and our lives are short enough. love you, Abby Very Merry Xmas
Each of us has own our ways, our own perceptions of how we should act as we travel this journey of grief and I think at times we have to act diifferently than we would really want to depending on who we are around. We can\'t be ourselves, all the time, people just don\'t know, except those of us here at FMO who do know. You said it all very well. Your friend, BW
When Mike died, a policeman that responded to the house came back a few days later with toys for Katelyn to help make her smile. This policeman still remembers Tara and Katelyn and always askes how they are doing. I am glad someone is not aftraid to talk to people after a sudden death. We would be out in the cold for sure. Thank goodness for friends who remember our children and are not afraid of us.........
I hope that makes sense.
Hugs Penny
Marlene, this is a very helpful and thoughtful entry. We are normal. Death is a part of life and as a social worker I have sat with others who have lost children or whose child was dying and they have expressed that they were grateful to have someone who would listen or just sit with them. Then my child died and now I understand what they meant. It is just so helpful to have someone stay or not walk away or allow us to talk about our child..to speak his or her name. That is the beauty and strength of FMO. The sisters who walk with us. It is an honor to know Lisa through your loving eyes, heart and words. Love and peace, Linda