a very stressful evening, getting badgered about money issues again.sick of it.

Hi angel friends,  i'm with you, and here for you :) i'm gonna do my best later to put together a fun baking friday adventure for the kids, we sure could use a fun adventure :) 

thank you for sticking with me, for always being understanding, supportive, and very caring :) it means the world to me. i got very frazzeled, and overwhelmed yesterday evening. it as a very busy day, with the big birthday party celebration, and i was busy making beef jerky until after 2pm. i was doing well with the busy day, and getting in some DS time in between the busy times of the day. i love to check in on friends, and to share in the day.during the evening, i posted my journal, and felt like i could finally sit down to really get in some nice rest, relaxation time with some writings here on DS.  i got a text message, from my niece Alyssa. she said, "she's desperate", and needed $300 to pay her rent-a-center bill. this upset me, as i believe she has over-reached, and i am not responsible for her bills, and her obsessive overspending. it's gotten very tiresome, and repetitive. my mom told me, to text her, when Alyssa badgers me, and she'll tell her to leave me alone. for some reason, Alyssa can't understand the word NO. so i text my mom, telling her, Alyssa is badgering me, and stressing me about money. my mom and i had an agreement, that she would tell Alyssa, to leave me alone, instead, my mom texts me a few times, saying, "is it yes or no?" i got very upset, as this isn't right. i went upstairs, Alyssa had called my mom, and i then yelled to her on the phone, NO! NO!!! and to  leave me alone!!!!" i went outside, and sat down on our front steps. i've completely have had it. i get no respect. it's like,  my NO, has no weight to it. if my brothers Charlie, Bobby, sisters Jenn and Lisa say No, it carries weight, and people listen, but Me, if i say no, or get upset because my NO doesn't carry any weight, and people don't listen to me,  it's like people look at me like i've got 3 eyes. i'm sick of it! i went out back, and was getting ready to water our plants. my mom came out, and we talked, i told her, "what's going on, i told you, i was stressed, and she was badgering", please get my back about this. my mom didn't seem to understand, and i told her, "i'm sick n tired of this". it's unreal, and very upsetting, that everyone else, can put their foot down, can say no, and it's respected, but when it's me, i get no respect and no support from everyone, except Holly and my friends here on DS. 

i'm at my wits end about this situation. i've helped my family, and Alyssa a lot the past couple years, with money. it's not my fault, i'm a good saver, i'm frugal, and i earn a penny at a time on sights like swagbucks, doing surveys that earn me a dollar, or nickel here or there. i'm absolutely sick to my stomach, that Alyssa has spent more of my money on her bills this year, than i've actually spent on myself. all i ask, my mom or anyone, to please, step  in, for them to please understand, that my No i tell Alyssa, obviously doesn't  sound loud enough to her, and she doesn't take my no for an answer. i'm really done with it, i really am. she has massive bills, i've helped her with. her rent-a-center bill, car bill, insurance, cell phone. She actually needs a total of $875. how could she pay me back that?

all i've gotten from Alyssa, with this situation is this. She borrows, pays me back, then the very next day, takes half of that back, and then the day after that, wants the rest back to borrow, it's an endless circle of this. i'm sick of it!!!! i'm done!!! i've begged, and begged, my mom ,my dad, everyone to please, tell Alyssa to leave me alone, after i have already told her myself, and i don't get that same respect, and care, in these moments. everyone knows, i love to help, but we all can love to help, and to not be taken advantage of. i don't spend above my means. i almost have to pull  my own arm and leg, to actually spend some of my money, on myself, whether it's a coin, or dvd. i'm not a big spender, and i have a $27 cell phone bill, to me, that's a lot, but to Alyssa, her bill is over $150 for her cell phone. my phone cost $10!!! $10 on ebay!!! for crying out loud, and her bill is 15 times the cost of my little cell phone. outrageous, and sickening. i usually don't get this upset, but this has pushed me to the edge. 

i texted alyssa this morning ,i said, "i am not loaning anymore money, PERIOD!!!" it causes me stress, and it causes issues here at home ,to the point where i need to get my thoughts into a bubble of it's  own, to be able to refocus. i love my hugs, messages, journal comments, emails, writing to friends, and this money stress stresses me out so much, i get overwhelmed. i don't want to help Alyssa anymore. i help her so much, and she gets to look good in front of everyone, from paying for her kids birthday party's, to paying her bills, i get no recognition from Aj (her partner), he doesn't even say hi at the birthday party's. Alyssa doesn't want him to know of all of her shadyness with her spendings, he doesn't even know, she gets stuff at rent-a-center, she's a secret keeper, and if i get pushed anymore by her, and disrespected, stressed, i'll tell Aj all about her spendings, and i'm not the only one here in this house, who wants to tell him. SHE HAS MAJOR MONEY ISSUES!!! it's like a disease, and an illness. it's an addition, she's totally addicted to money not staying in her pocket, and savings. i'm not gonna get stressed anymore, and i told her, please, don't ask me anymore. i know Alyssa helps with baking friday, and that's cool,  it has nothing to do with money, as long as things with us arent about money,  it's all good between us. i'm sick of sounding like a broken record here. i'm sad i have to reach out for support, i like to be the supporter, but i need support on this. i am tired of begging my mom, or dad, everyone to please get my back on this, please throw in a good word to Alyssa, to back off me. 

i like to live a simple, peaceful life, i know i'm a busy person, but sometimes when i'm very busy, in the moments of good times, i feel like everythng is very peaceful, even though i get so busy, to me, being in a good busy, makes me feel peaceful, makes me feel useful, and helpful, and spirit soaring. that's me, and how i am. down time, relaxation time for me,is reading many hugs,  or messages here on DS, being busy replying, or being busy working in the garden, to me,that's happiness too :) peace, comfort, doing what i love, writing, enjoying gardening.

i told Alyssa, no means no. that's it, it's all i can say, and if it's constantly ignored, i just don't know what else to say, maybe not answering her texts,  or saying no, is best i can do. she's been ambushing me in our kitchen on baking friday's, and also on random times, it seems when my mom or Holly  isn't in same room as me, she'll ask me for money. it makes me upset, and i'm sick and  tired of it. 

this is a vent journal, i just needed to write. i'm just 1 person, and i try so hard to make it through each day without stress, and i can do well, as long as Alyssa isn't badgering me. i'm gonna  try my best to put together a baking friday later, i really don't want to put anymore into my journal later about this stress situation, i'd rather it be, a  full baking friday journal, posting. i'm gonna be ok, thank you angel friends :) 

i just want to be treated the same  way, my brothers Bobby, Charlie, and my sisters Lisa, and Jenn are treated. i want to be treated equal with them, and for my words, for my feelings, to be taken seriously. if this was Jenn getting badgered like i am, she'd never come over here, due to that. i tell my mom that, i said, "what's different between Jenn and i?" why do i get badgered? my brothers sometime need money from my mom, $5, or $20, and my  mom sometime gets upset, i tell my mom,"what if they were asking you for $300, or $875"? i say, "you'd get a mega-phone and would let us all know, how upset it makes you". i just want everyone here to relate to me in a n equal way. i'm not better than them, they aren't better than me, it's  equal, it's all i want to be treate like,  equal. i don't try to push my schedule or my busyness upon them, if they knew or tried to go about just 1 of my busy days, their heads would spin. i can handle my busy days,  it doesn't mean i'm better than them. i just want fairness, and to be treated fairly with all aspects of this subject. alyssa badgers me, stresses me, i say no, i tell her to leave me alone,  it's not good enough, i want them to  stand up for me, like i stand up for them. i'm keeping my distance today, this weekend,until i feel peacefulness inside myself again. i help them with support, i am there forthem, i just want them to be there for me. Holly is here for me, and friends too :) i appreciate it very much. i'm not mad, or angry, i just feel disappointed, that i literally have to yell, or get mad in the moments, to be heard, a simple no carries no weight, like others it can. i could write all day about this subject, but i won't. i need to get to my hugs, messages, everyone's journals, and to be in the moments of a day that feels normal.  Thank you angel friends for  reading, listening with your hearts, and for being there for me :) 

we have rain in our area, gonna pick out a goodie or two to bake today, and i just need the weekend to arrive, to let my brain have some relaxation :) i love you all, and i'll always be here for you all :) Thank you angel friends :)