A very short update

The time is 8:55am,and I feel drained and weakened by physical exhaustion and mental turmoil.Yesterday was a blur of ill tempered mannerisms, displayed by myself,despite my best efforts to do otherwise,punctuated by long periods of silence;during which my mind took me to places of incredible blackness and vast deserts of despair.I could neither assimilate,nor could I separate,one individual thought from another,my brain seemingly in a constant state of overdrive and beyond my ability to control.My mind was a pinball machine of confusion,with ball bearings of logic and reasoning, ricocheting off in different directions,to disappear into infinity;leaving me powerless to activate the off button,if there is such a thing,in my brain.My wife is aware of my mood swings,having lived with them for some considerable time,and reacted in an entirely understandable,and human,way;she attacked me verbally in return.The human condition being as it is,when we feel threatened or endangered,our defense mechanism automatically kicks in,and we either run or stand and fight;my wife doesn't run from anyone,so we said some things that we will regret in hindsight,brought up the past,and generally hurt each other in the way that people who love one another sometimes unfortunately do.This morning,an uneasy truce seems to hang over our household,like a hovering cloud after a storm,and my mind is still displaying the capacity, and capability,to race ahead of me and confuse my thought patterns in a way that,before my illness,I would have said was impossible;but it is happening,and on an increasing level.The sheer speed of my mood changes concerns me,yet I seem powerless to alter,or prevent them from taking place,my thoughts of suicide are a constant companion,even on the "not so bad"days,when I can display some element of the man I once was,they linger,like the malevolent,throbbing pulse in the neck of a crouching animal in the darkness,waiting to pounce when it's victim is least prepared.Today,I will be quiet,and I will attempt to function in a way that is not offensive or confrontational;better to be silent,than to regret words spoken in anger or frustration.The simple act of logical thought seems to be beyond me at this moment,so I will wait and say nothing,and pray that my body be replenished enough in time that I can breathe and at least get through,if not enjoy,today.Till tomorrow then journal,my absence of yesterday being a thing of memory,may God grant us a little peace this day.