A very Sad Day!! A Surprising Day
Yesterday I wrote about the loss of my pet Zoey and the loss of Kenny and his pet Heidi.
After writing it, we took Abby to get a haircut. Since Kenny went to Heaven, I do not keep up with dates. I know when to schedule the bills and stuff, but that's the 1st. so I don't think of the date like the 30th. That day is still so fresh and raw. I found that out yesterday as I took Abby in for her hair cut. As I dropped her off they were talking about when to pick her up and then said this is Friday the 30th. That is all it took. I cried all the rest of the day..came home felt so sad..went back then started remembering all the things that happened feeling angry again..blaming again..I am not sure that was very healthy for me to do. This morning I woke with Ken on my mind and the same things and was still crying. Thought about it all and felt there was nothing I could do to change what happened. If I could have I would have. He is gone now and no matter how I try to think what could have been or why wasn't this done by ones that could have it is not going to change the outcome of what has happened. He is gone. I can't bring him back. I am sure this will not be the last time that I will go through this thoughts and wish that certain ones had done a better job in trying to help my son live. But all I am doing is hurting me! Those who did nothing as my friend said, they will get their judgement one day. So I am going to try to continue to go forward right now, try not to think of the horrible days that led up to Ken's death.
I know that the grief will always be there, it will someday be different. I do not know what that different will be cause I can't at this moment think of never seeing my son and talking as we used to. That is a foreign thought in my mind. So I feel I must continue to go forward as best as I can. That is the healthy way for me. If I blame, I get no where, cause the person, or persons I blame does not feel no guilt. My regret is that I did not step up to the plate and take him to the doctor myself before it was too late. I had a choice not knowing he was going to die of course I would have, but knowing if I had I would have been told not by Kenny but by others to leave,,,go home ...That I did not want. I wanted to be with my son so I had to play their game and I did get to spend the last 3 months with him everyday. i love you Kenny, I am so sorry your not here, but looking forward to the day we will be together again. Love mom
Now for my surprising day, as I said earlier, Abby went in for a haircut. When we picked her up at the boarder last week she looked like a Cocker Spaniel Show Dog!
Beautiful long flowing coat, cut to perfection. The only trouble under the flowing coat was knots of hair, so I knew she would have to have a short hair cut.
What our surprise was when we picked Abby up she no longer had any hair, she had a bur. All her beautiful long shinny coat was gone. She still has her floppy ears of a cocker but she looks like a short, short hair lab,...no hair just long skinny legs, no cocker cut, no fluffy feet. Just a very short haircut. If she did not look like Abby in the face, you would not have known she was Abby. But it will grow out. I was trying to figure out why her hair knotted up. Finally I realized, our guy that cuts out yard, does not cut it low like I would like. So when she goes out her long hair becomes wet. This happened to Zoey once, but it was because I gave her a bath and didn't fully dry and brush her. So I have learned a lesson. When she comes in I am going to have to blow dry her hair and brush it a lot, something she does not like. But to have her beautiful long coat it will be a must . So until her hair get long again, she still is our loving Abby.....Abby's Mom
To my wonderful son in Heaven, mom loves and misses you so much. It seems like yesterday you went away. And it will always probably feel that way. I love you and miss you more than you could know. I am happy you are out of pain, I just wished God had healed you so you could have still been here with us without pain,
You were my son, my friend, my advisor, my first born...I love you forever. Love, a very sad mom. Your mom.....
After writing it, we took Abby to get a haircut. Since Kenny went to Heaven, I do not keep up with dates. I know when to schedule the bills and stuff, but that's the 1st. so I don't think of the date like the 30th. That day is still so fresh and raw. I found that out yesterday as I took Abby in for her hair cut. As I dropped her off they were talking about when to pick her up and then said this is Friday the 30th. That is all it took. I cried all the rest of the day..came home felt so sad..went back then started remembering all the things that happened feeling angry again..blaming again..I am not sure that was very healthy for me to do. This morning I woke with Ken on my mind and the same things and was still crying. Thought about it all and felt there was nothing I could do to change what happened. If I could have I would have. He is gone now and no matter how I try to think what could have been or why wasn't this done by ones that could have it is not going to change the outcome of what has happened. He is gone. I can't bring him back. I am sure this will not be the last time that I will go through this thoughts and wish that certain ones had done a better job in trying to help my son live. But all I am doing is hurting me! Those who did nothing as my friend said, they will get their judgement one day. So I am going to try to continue to go forward right now, try not to think of the horrible days that led up to Ken's death.
I know that the grief will always be there, it will someday be different. I do not know what that different will be cause I can't at this moment think of never seeing my son and talking as we used to. That is a foreign thought in my mind. So I feel I must continue to go forward as best as I can. That is the healthy way for me. If I blame, I get no where, cause the person, or persons I blame does not feel no guilt. My regret is that I did not step up to the plate and take him to the doctor myself before it was too late. I had a choice not knowing he was going to die of course I would have, but knowing if I had I would have been told not by Kenny but by others to leave,,,go home ...That I did not want. I wanted to be with my son so I had to play their game and I did get to spend the last 3 months with him everyday. i love you Kenny, I am so sorry your not here, but looking forward to the day we will be together again. Love mom
Now for my surprising day, as I said earlier, Abby went in for a haircut. When we picked her up at the boarder last week she looked like a Cocker Spaniel Show Dog!
Beautiful long flowing coat, cut to perfection. The only trouble under the flowing coat was knots of hair, so I knew she would have to have a short hair cut.
What our surprise was when we picked Abby up she no longer had any hair, she had a bur. All her beautiful long shinny coat was gone. She still has her floppy ears of a cocker but she looks like a short, short hair lab,...no hair just long skinny legs, no cocker cut, no fluffy feet. Just a very short haircut. If she did not look like Abby in the face, you would not have known she was Abby. But it will grow out. I was trying to figure out why her hair knotted up. Finally I realized, our guy that cuts out yard, does not cut it low like I would like. So when she goes out her long hair becomes wet. This happened to Zoey once, but it was because I gave her a bath and didn't fully dry and brush her. So I have learned a lesson. When she comes in I am going to have to blow dry her hair and brush it a lot, something she does not like. But to have her beautiful long coat it will be a must . So until her hair get long again, she still is our loving Abby.....Abby's Mom
To my wonderful son in Heaven, mom loves and misses you so much. It seems like yesterday you went away. And it will always probably feel that way. I love you and miss you more than you could know. I am happy you are out of pain, I just wished God had healed you so you could have still been here with us without pain,
You were my son, my friend, my advisor, my first born...I love you forever. Love, a very sad mom. Your mom.....
Replies
Hi Sandi, it\'s good to grieve, cry and to feel so desperately lonely and sad. My Rich has been gone just over a month now, and the pain is surreal. I don\'t know of any thing to say that will make you feel better, so I\'ll hold you in love and send love and light to you. Try to remember the good times dear. It\'s so hard when our children are grown ups, and we don\'t have a valid say in how things should, or atleast how we would like them done. Guilt has no place honey. You did your best. It will never take away your sorrow, but know that Kenny is with you and only wants the best for his dear Mom, who loved him so much.
Take heart dear friend.
Love and hugs,
Joan
I think that the unknown triggers are one of the hardest things. You go along, thinking you are okay...and then boom! It is so hard...but you made it through...you did it. Abby I am sure looks adorable even with really short hari...love and hugs...Karen
Sandi....with the sadness, I hear you wrestling with those challenges of making the best of this most devastating loss....it is the hardest thing we have to do. I know you are a faith filled, strong woman who raised a wonderful son who had a calling to serve the Lord and deliver the Gospel....WHAT a commentary on your leadership. I am in awe. You are my hero today. Please keep the sad tears at bay with the joyful tears of just knowing you had Ken for the time God gave him to you. I must think on these very same things as the most grateful and proud mom of Michael Brandon Heath. We are special because God gave all of us moms the gifts we know as our children. We are blessed. Have peace today.....I send you my love and hugs, dale...brandon\'s mom
Sandi, it is so hard to try to stop thinking of the \"what ifs\" but they don\'t serve any purpose. You can never go back and undo or unsay anything. What has happened has happened. You can only control the now. What you do at this moment is all you can control. You can chose to make it a good moment or a bad moment. And the next moment will be good or bad based on that decision. We all have to learn to let the bad memories slip away. I know it is hard but you need to do it for yourself. hugs j
Oh Sandi, I know exactly how just the mention of a date or even the smell of something familiar can take you back and start the crying. I was watching a show the other night and one of the characters said one sentence and I don\'t even know what it was but, I started crying my eyes out...it triggered something. We cry and it is devasting because we loved them so much. That is definitely not a bad thing. I believe that the love we have for them will begin to transform our sadness into happy and treasured memories with the knowledge that the time we spent with our child was awesome. It is just a game of patience, I think. I can\'t believe Abby is naked!! She is probably still adorable!! Post a picture if you can! Love and Peace to you. Anne
He was fighting an unbeatable opponent. MM is only treatable and not curable. Each case is hard to predict. some people get lucky (if you can use that word) and get a gentler form of it and then may be granted some extra years. In the end, MM takes even them down. I am not saying this to sound brutal but to help you understand that all that could be done, probably was. This cancer would have proceeded to take him piece by painful piece and he probably would not have much extra time no matter what was done or not done. Hon, quit trying to lay blame. It is just hurting yourself and maybe even others. I know that it is natural to be angry but be angry at this horrible cancer. It is to blame. You son and his family and probably the doctors did the best they could against it. Maybe some day they will find a cure but they just don\'t have it yet.
I bet Abby is very cute with her new do. Do you have a picture?
Almost anything especially dates can trigger the pain all over again. I used to love wednesdays. Then my son died on a wednesday and I hated that day. I hated being off work, I hated everything about it. Then I had to tell myself it didn\'t matter what day he died. I hated everyday he wasn\'t here. I\'m learning to love wednesday again. Sometimes self talk does wonders and you are talking about moving forward and as long as your thoughts and actions lead you in that direction, you have accomplished a great deal. Continue to be patient, rid yourself of your guilt (not easy I know), and remember the good thoughts and you will heal friend. Love to you. Robin
There are so many triggers out there and they continue no matter how long it\'s been since we last saw our children. I think about my son frequently during the day and sometimes I am able to control myself and other times not so much.
Hugs, Inga
There are many triggers and they can change. Each day is a choice and we make it. Grief and grieving are good and nessacary things but we must choose how much and when. We must in the end choose life as that is how we can honor our child, by living the best life we can. Hope you have a peaceful week. Love and hugs cathy
It has taken me 3 years to not have a breakdown on the 21st. I know that sounds like such a long time but we all heal at our own pace. Love & hugs, Colleen
Sandi,
You are doing well. You are choosing not to have the \"what ifs\" consume you & crying & letting it out when you need to. I am so very proud of you & I know Kenny is proud of his mom too. Love & hugs, Linda