A very sad Anniversary of sorts
One year ago today my husband decided to quit on me, our marriage and our family. The day started out cold and snowy. We got into a silly argument about leaving the dog outside. She's a Malmute, lots of heavy fur, and he thought she'd be fine outside but because it was below 20 I thought she should be brought in. It shouldn't have escalated into a fight but it did. During that fight he said something very hurtful to me and I lashed back at him and the whole fight was ugly. Afterwards I was very upset. We had a New Years Party to go to that night and I choose not to go with him. I told him I just didn't even want to be around him. This was a huge mistake on my part - little did I know at the time. It was during this night, his drive over there alone, his attending this party alone that he decided he was done. He said it was the "last straw". Of course he didn't tell me then. I didn't find out until Feb. 18th when I asked him what was wrong with him lately. For 2 1/2 months he walked around our house knowing how he felt and never said a word to me. We actually got along great during these 2 1/2 months without a single problem. But when he wouldn't go to the show with me, or have sex with me or do anything with me, I finally figured something wasn't right - so I asked him. Not in my wildest dreams did I think he would tell me that he didn't love me anymore and that he wasn't in love with me. Talk about a shock. Well the rest of the story is..... he said he would try to work it out with me and that lasted until May 5th which is when he moved out. Told me and the kids he just needed some time and space. Of course, it sure helped him speed up his decision to leave by having a little "friend" on the side to listen to his woeful me stories. All day I've been thinking of the "what if's" - what if we didn't have a fight that day, what if I would've gone to the party with him, what if, what if , what if ..... But Zen helped me today (thank you Zen) by reminding me that it wasn't just this one fight that caused him to stop loving me. He stopped loving me years ago and I have to remember how he treated me for the last 10 years, not just on that fateful New Years Eve. I really was a nobody in his life. More like a mother than a wife. No affection, no compassion, no consideration, no respect, no love. This didn't all happen as a result of one fight on New Years Eve - it happened long before then. But even knowing that doesn't help me right now. Right now I'm having a hard time, but I expected that I would. Anyway, I'm on my way out tonight so I can stay out of my own head. I just want this last hurdle from 2008 over with so I can start 2009 with hope for my future. So at 12:00 I am lifting my glass to my DS friends in loving support for a fantastic future filled with happiness and at 12:01 I'm lifting my glass to myself. I deserve a new life without pain and heartache and it begins as 12:01a.m. tonight. Happy New Year to me.
Replies
Sounds like he didn\'t \"stop loving you,\" but more of he didn\'t love you and you deserve better!
I wish you nothing but the best, my friend. Happy New Year!
You are a beautiful and very kind woman. He is going to regret this someday. It might be years but you will be long gone by then. Hugs and good wishes for you wonderful new life.
Zen was so right. It happens long before the last straw. It\'s a choice they make and one that I realize now is because they aren\'t happy with themselves. If you had gone to the party with him that night, he would have done it another night. It\'s him, not you! Enjoy your evening and I\'m so glad you are in my life. You are a super duper friend! Big hugs
We unfortunately get caught in thinking about the what if\'s. If it wasn\'t that one - there would have been something else - what pushed mine over the edge was paying $120 for my son to play lacrosse.
Forget about the what if\'s my friend - no matter what we have done or would have done or could have done - it wasn\'t what we did that make them walk out and quit on us - that was their decisions alone. We can only pull ourselves up and create a better life for ourselevs, our kids - you are worthy of much more than your ex dished out - youare worthy, and most certainly loveable. Big hugs to you my frend!
I can tell you that if he would have come back, it would have been something else. Because I could have wrote a lot of that, the difference is my ex kept moving out and coming back. They emotionally divorce us. They find reasons to find fault long before we are aware of their big plans, to convince themselves. They punish us, this is not love, this is conditional love, do what I want and might love you and guess what, they keep changing the conditions and the bar gets higher and higher. I had years of this stuff, he even told me once, get used to it, this is how I am going to treat you, you get nothing from me. When he would threaten me again I would say why did you come back this time, and he would say something like, I was giving you another chance.. anyone who knows me said this is killing you, you can not live like this.. and I couldn\'t. But I had to find out, and I do not give up on people easily.
After a few rounds of threats of divorce, it becomes a crusade for the ones that want this so bad. They have to prove they are right. Because they can not control themselves and we finally will not let them control us.. I was told I was a nobody also, no one liked me, he was never going to have sex with me again, my own family didn\'t like me. Stay out of his life, and guess what, he was talking about himself. My ex has serious self esteem issues and I was the only one he could do this to. He didn\'t like me, or himself, his family or my family, he used sex as form of control also, he was depressed.. and guess what with our resources, my smarts and a lot of help nothing could fix this.. because he did not want to fix it, HE had to be right, and I said you can be right, and you are going to be divorced. Thank you Chrissy, you helped me, because I go down that sentimental side every now and then... the wonderful years. I was with a friend Monday and he and I were talking about going to Napa, he had with his ex, me with mine, and we both looked at each other and I said a week in SF and no sex! He said a blowout in a resturant! Mine angry about my driving and he said what other woman besides you could drive in SF traffic let alone drive him and 2 others to Napa with him whining.. We both said that kinda cancels out that romantic nostalgia feeling. That is the reality check.. the one we all need. The one I need. I better not weep for him, because he is not for me. It gets better, as scary as divorce seems, living like the above will kill you. Over and over, and any time, I mean any time they are unhappy they will theaten to leave or file for divorce.. let me help you pack I said this last time!
Chrissy you had to feel these things today. I think it is all part of the process. You\'ve got to get all that crap out so you can make room for the good stuff in your life!
The what ifs get us all. I do it all the time. Out of the blue I get a memory and think that things were good what happened? What if I reached out when he did tell me he wanted his wife back. What if he didnt think I told him I did not love him anymore. I never said those exact words but he doesnt believe me. He though did say those words to me. Even after I thought he was trying to get his mind around us. He was, around trying to leave and how to do it. The what ifs are awful. I know he isnt doing the what ifs.
I will never understand how he could have just stopped and now he can be so nice and friendly but not have any regrets or nothing. We have to move on like they have. We do deserve more. A new year\'s resolution is to stop with the what ifs and move on.