A very sad Anniversary of sorts

One year ago today my husband decided to quit on me, our marriage and our family.   The day started out cold and snowy.  We got into a silly argument about leaving the dog outside.  She's a Malmute, lots of heavy fur, and he thought she'd be fine outside but because it was below 20 I thought she should be brought in.  It shouldn't have escalated into a fight but it did.  During that fight he said something very hurtful to me and I lashed back at him and the whole fight was ugly.  Afterwards I was very upset. We had a New Years Party to go to that night and I choose not to go with him.  I told him I just didn't even want to be around him.  This was a huge mistake on my part - little did I know at the time.  It was during this night, his drive over there alone, his attending this party alone that he decided he was done.  He said it was the "last straw". Of course he didn't tell me then.  I didn't find out until Feb. 18th when I asked him what was wrong with him lately.  For 2 1/2 months he walked around our house knowing how he felt and never said a word to me.  We actually got along great during these 2 1/2 months without a single problem.  But when he wouldn't go to the show with me, or have sex with me or do anything with me, I finally figured something wasn't right - so I asked him.  Not in my wildest dreams did I think he would tell me that he didn't love me anymore and that he wasn't in love with me.  Talk about a shock. Well the rest of the story is..... he said he would try to work it out with me and that lasted until May 5th which is when he moved out.  Told me and the kids he just needed some time and space.  Of course, it sure helped him speed up his decision to leave by having a little "friend" on the side to listen to his woeful me stories.   All day I've been thinking of the "what if's" - what if we didn't have a fight that day, what if I would've gone to the party with him, what if, what if , what if ..... But Zen helped me today (thank you Zen) by reminding me that it wasn't just this one fight that caused him to stop loving me.  He stopped loving me years ago and I have to remember how he treated me for the last 10 years, not just on that fateful New Years Eve.  I really was a nobody in his life.  More like a mother than a wife.  No affection, no compassion, no consideration, no respect, no love.  This didn't all happen as a result of one fight on New Years Eve - it happened long before then.  But even knowing that doesn't help me right now.  Right now I'm having a hard time, but I expected that I would. Anyway, I'm on my way out tonight so I can stay out of my own head.  I just want this last hurdle from 2008 over with so I can start 2009 with hope for my future.   So at 12:00 I am lifting my glass to my DS friends in loving support for a fantastic future filled with happiness and at 12:01 I'm lifting my glass to myself.  I deserve a new life without pain and heartache and it begins as 12:01a.m. tonight. Happy New Year to me.