A Very long entry for a very long time.

02/09/2016

Hello There my dears,

Hope you are all doing as well as can be expected ( i only say this because something made us join DS in the first place right?) this is likely to be a long journal as it has been roughly 9 months since my last journal entry and well alot has happened since then...obviously Snowflake duh?!

so in my last journal I had just been in a car crash, was off sick with migraines and money was on the low side. So what has happened since then...in the case of the car crash the insurance paid in full, the car was returned and all was well, had a little bit of a bruise on my shoulder due to my seat belt but hey id rather wear that and have a bruise than not wear it and be smoothied snowflake on the road. Now that is positive the rest of the past 9 months are mainly negative with a few rays of sunshine that have kept me going.

Febuary So i had finally had enough of everything, i was sick of depression, i was sick of hiding my true mental issues (more on this to follow) i was sick of having no money, i was sick of M not understanding that i dont want her friends in the house 24/7, i was sick of my boss asking me to work 7 days in a row all of them 11-12 hour shifts and then being totally aweful when i am there, i was sick of my head hurting and most of all i was sick of waking up and still being alive...so simply put i was sick of my life and i was ready for the life to be at an end...and since it was obviously not going to happen naturally ill have to make it...i tried to OD in my bedroom with my tablets and some flavoured water, i dont remember what made me question what i was doing but something did and i panicked called 999 and got to the A&E in an ambulance the rest of the day is a blur to me other than drinking charcoal and my brother crying (he never cries!) So anyway this was roughly through the middle of febuary i felt very alone and low at home so for 2 weeks i stayed at my mums being spoilt rotten.

March I am back at home and have been given a psychotherapist for some CBT, this is a 12 week coarse but can be extended as needed. Now my mental health is a difficult one. M has always stood by the fact that she is not good with helping about mental health since she dosent understand it on a base level, But then she becomes friendly with a woman with psychosis, bi-polar and other and seems to do fine. So anyway, i have been hearing voices and having shadows follow me for years i just never told anyone because i worried about being put away with schzophrenia or something and that scared me silent basically. Now i figured if M can cope with her friends then she can cope with her girlfriend right? WORNG! I told M about my issues and the dr and M accused me of being jelous of her friend and im just attention seeking, needless to say this sent me into a deep depressive state and one night decided fuck it, if drinking helps others feel better maybe it will me. i drank 1/2 litre of vodka and ended up cutting my thigh to shreds with horrible, obscene words. i was not sick as i have always been able to hold my drink but i dont remember the night very well and the next morning i was yellow and had a red rash on my face, i had discovered i was allergic to vodka and if im not sick i get mild alcohol poisoning. M and me fight about it long and hard as she seems to distance herself from me and head more for her friend.

July You may have noticed that a few months have been missed off this list, and well there is a reason for this its not because they were good or bad its just that nothing of significant change happened and i simply existed in the world i existed in. Now... 23rd M's friend's birthday...M gets her a necklace that cost her £100 (give or take) and spends the night getting pissed in a hot tub with her. 24th...My birthday, M dosent get me anything dosent even come to my birthday dinner and dosent text...Are you seeing a pattern here...I then come home to find out that M has bought herself a new phone and is going to london with her friend to see her mum before ive even met her mum...Paranoid me so this is not worrying me for a phsyical affair but there is something not right here. She is either with her friend, her friend is over at ours and we never spend any time together unless she is pissed in which case she is usually shouting at me for making her depressed and drink soo much...we have no money again.

August M and i had a deal since i earn more than her, i would pay the rent, she would pay the council tax...she gets a letter telling her a bailiff will be round one day (it gave a date) she makes plans with her fat friend and goes out without telling me to expect this bailiff...he turns up and i panic crying my eyes out manage to call her she comes back and we call around to get money together to sort out the debt. (now my parents have already spent 600+ on food and stuff for the house) and she gets pissed off because they dont have the money to help and her brother had to pay the full amount, she then goes out again leaving me on my own...i feel like i have been friend zoned...every time w make a plan to spend time together her friend suddenly needs her. skip forward a few weeks of existing like this and im at my mums since we have family over, i go home and she has her friend there who accuses me of pressuring M into getting help for her drinking, I ask to speak to M alone and it is allowed we talk but Friend hears me ask M if she can go home tommorow so we can talk. She then flips out and starts to leave which M then runs to her aid (surprise surprise) and i made a comment like...the one you care about when they are asking for help thats who your in a relationship with...Friend barges upstairs banging on the door threatening to kill me eventually i cant hold her back and sit in the corner making myself as small as possible while hoping she is lying about beating me up. They both start shouting at me and my phone is thrown over the balcony. next door neighbour calls the cops and they get me to a safe place, My mums...i go there and think...im not back talking to M who says she will change but how many times have i heard that. Im at my mums for 2 weeks to look after the dog if she dosent make the effort these two weeks then i may just stay...but we will see.

Snowflake out