A Very Familiar Place..But More Painful
I sometimes think that I am going crazy.
One moment I am just working and working, then a moment comes, hit me like shit. Why can't we just make this whole cycle shorter so I can move on just forget. There's this fucked up feeling of missing him and I know damn well that it is not the real him that I miss. I am so exhausted of bargaining with my feelings and begging for his time. I happen to come across our chat logs -- now re-reading the conversations and well, it is obvious that I am the only one quite happy and excited to get connected with him. He's not even happy with his life and me being in it doesn't seem to make any difference.
I have a very good feeling that I will be blamed for ending this "friendship" -- that I am unreliable and not trustworthy. I can't stand the excuses, I can't stand the selfishness, I am exhausted of always fighting my way to your life, to your decisions, to your fucked up life! I am so tired of being accused of being a drama queen just because I know how to express what I feel. I am tired of being controlled, being called for the things and traits that you loved about me in the first place. I am so tired of you being inconsiderate to me and your self centered and self serving ways. I can no longer live up to your expectations because you've drained a huge part of me who loves you. I am not going to be your trophy nor your doormat anymore, I am so fucking tired of that...and I can't accept the fuckin excuses of not knowing what you want because I am tired of you always lost and scared and expecting that I'd always understand and love you otherwise. I am not your fuckin mother!
I get it, I am not what you want so I am gonna fuckin deal with it! You're just like everyone in my life, not wanting me but too coward to admit I am what you need -- so fuck you all, you spineless imbeciles, freaking leeches! Why don't you all just go to hell!
One moment I am just working and working, then a moment comes, hit me like shit. Why can't we just make this whole cycle shorter so I can move on just forget. There's this fucked up feeling of missing him and I know damn well that it is not the real him that I miss. I am so exhausted of bargaining with my feelings and begging for his time. I happen to come across our chat logs -- now re-reading the conversations and well, it is obvious that I am the only one quite happy and excited to get connected with him. He's not even happy with his life and me being in it doesn't seem to make any difference.
I have a very good feeling that I will be blamed for ending this "friendship" -- that I am unreliable and not trustworthy. I can't stand the excuses, I can't stand the selfishness, I am exhausted of always fighting my way to your life, to your decisions, to your fucked up life! I am so tired of being accused of being a drama queen just because I know how to express what I feel. I am tired of being controlled, being called for the things and traits that you loved about me in the first place. I am so tired of you being inconsiderate to me and your self centered and self serving ways. I can no longer live up to your expectations because you've drained a huge part of me who loves you. I am not going to be your trophy nor your doormat anymore, I am so fucking tired of that...and I can't accept the fuckin excuses of not knowing what you want because I am tired of you always lost and scared and expecting that I'd always understand and love you otherwise. I am not your fuckin mother!
I get it, I am not what you want so I am gonna fuckin deal with it! You're just like everyone in my life, not wanting me but too coward to admit I am what you need -- so fuck you all, you spineless imbeciles, freaking leeches! Why don't you all just go to hell!
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