A UPDATE FROM MY LAST JOURNAL
For you my friends who commented on my journal, you were very wise and sweet to take the time to respond your comments not short and judgemental. I had a hard time whether to write it or not. I feel it makes me sound bad by sounding off about them. But a week ago Friday it brought me to a breaking point and have not felt the same yet.
Like I said it is not just me they do it too (my husband's kids) but to do it when had cancer and has died the letter has made the pain so much worse. I don't plan on responding to the letter, I feel it is my husband's place. If it was my kids they would either apology what they wrote or make a decision that we would have to part until they stood up to what they had done.
Like me bringing everyone together that Father's Day for my husband, that was the last father's day that they had together. Me I would have cherished that that had happened instead they made it into something bad about me. "And I feel until my husband stands up to them he is enabling them to continue what they do. The thing about them is they are always mad at someone, somebody all the time. It's like everyone has done them wrong. I really think the big issue with them about me is that my kids do a lot for me. They fenced in our back yard for my dog. Last year they built the beautiful deck we have. If we need something and they are close they come. Like when we lost a lot of our trees to the ice storm and we went without heat my son the minute I called went and brought us wood for the fireplace, then when the ice had melted they came and picked up all the limbs. There is nothing my kids won't do for me or others. My kids are the type that if someone needed something they would give the shirt off their backs. They take in stray people during cold times, they take in pets like during Katrina, they took care of this man's dog for 9 months. They are so giving and caring.
Where on the other hand his kids just wants wants wants. He is afraid to stand up to them and I know that is what it is. I have seen divorce parents be afraid of losing their kids. I was single a long time before I married again, but I know that mothers are the same. I didn't I looked at it if they love me they love me but I will not buy this and this and this trying to keep their love cause I feel your teaching them you get something to get love and I don't believe that is how it should be.
I am not saying that my kids were always perfect, when they were younger they had their time, we had our fights, but we always loved no matter what. I remember the first date I had, the door bell rang they just were laying around watching TV and never bothered to say hi or get up and act decent. When I got home I gave them 2 choices, I said What you did was wrong so you have two choices, one if someone rings the door bell you get up say hi and shake their hand.or you get your butt up and get upstairs to you room. Of course they chose the 2nd choice but I was not going to let them be rude to people.
For the first few years of our marriage, his son and I got along really good. He came here during college break. Now reflecting he probably just did it to irriate
What I think the problems are with his kids which is what I hear them say about other family members is it is money. They never lived in this house we have. We plan on enjoying our retirment sometime if something don't just keep happening so we have said kidding we are going to spend all our money on us. But everyone knows there will always be something left. The house, cars, savings, that will be left and it is to be divided by all 6 kids. That is what they don't like. They have already told me if their dad dies first they plan on stripping my walls when they leave. Well they are not, in fact they will not even be in my home. They will get what their dad wants them to have but not that day. Same as my kids. What we have is what we built together the last 14 years only personal things.
I do not know how they raised their kids, but it appears they were taught not to give but to take.
My issue in writing about it is this: I truely am worried about myself. When his son called and I heard his voice I hyper vent, I felt I was going to explode, we were in our truck comeing home from a good time with friends. I really thought I was going to pass our have a heart attack and I really didn't care.
I am grieving over my son the hardest loss of anything that I know, and I know that since that happened a week ago Friday, I am different. I feel angry, I am mad, I am irriatable, I am ready to jump on my husband if he says anything. I seem that I have lost control of myself. I don't like myself like this but I don't know what to do. I know what his kids do they are just jealous of the relationship we have with my kids but that I am tired of them saying so many bad things about me
But enough it is me that I am concerned about. I have never felt this feeling of what I think is hate toward anyone. I am always forgiving of people cause people are people and things happen. My pain of the loss of my son is so deep and so fresh and I might always feel it is I don't know, but I really don't know how to just let what his kids do go. I don't go with him much to see them, but right now and in Oct when my son needed both of us and he was visiting his children i am so angry about that. When my son had no strenght and me and his wife had taken him to the doctor and he fell on the hard concrete floor of the parking garage and he so much loved and depended on my husband but we were in AL my son is dying and he was in VA and what does my husband say on the phone. Oh I wish I could be there. HE COULD. HE CHOOSE TO GO TO VA, than to be with me and my son who needed the help. Watching my son trying to get off the concrete floor in so much pain I hate my husband for that day. He knew how bad he was yet he chose to visit his kids, we were going there in Jan anyway to see the new baby, he could have waited, he could have been there to help my son and me. As I write this it is not the letter I am so totally upset about it is that my husband ran over there after the letter to fix things, when my son needed him and I needed him and where was he. Not where he should have been. Maybe that is what I can not get over. I really don't care if his kids like me or not. They don't live close so I don't have to be around them . I think as I write this that if his son calls it just brings back that day that day when my big strong son could not help himself. That was the end of Oct. and then in Dec he died. How can I ever forgive my husband for this. I don't feel I can. Can't change the past, but don't know how to change this feeling that welds up in me when I think of it all. The letter would have made me mad, but truthfully his kids are not worth it, it's that my husband deserted me most when I needed him most.
Thanks for listening.
Sandi
Like I said it is not just me they do it too (my husband's kids) but to do it when had cancer and has died the letter has made the pain so much worse. I don't plan on responding to the letter, I feel it is my husband's place. If it was my kids they would either apology what they wrote or make a decision that we would have to part until they stood up to what they had done.
Like me bringing everyone together that Father's Day for my husband, that was the last father's day that they had together. Me I would have cherished that that had happened instead they made it into something bad about me. "And I feel until my husband stands up to them he is enabling them to continue what they do. The thing about them is they are always mad at someone, somebody all the time. It's like everyone has done them wrong. I really think the big issue with them about me is that my kids do a lot for me. They fenced in our back yard for my dog. Last year they built the beautiful deck we have. If we need something and they are close they come. Like when we lost a lot of our trees to the ice storm and we went without heat my son the minute I called went and brought us wood for the fireplace, then when the ice had melted they came and picked up all the limbs. There is nothing my kids won't do for me or others. My kids are the type that if someone needed something they would give the shirt off their backs. They take in stray people during cold times, they take in pets like during Katrina, they took care of this man's dog for 9 months. They are so giving and caring.
Where on the other hand his kids just wants wants wants. He is afraid to stand up to them and I know that is what it is. I have seen divorce parents be afraid of losing their kids. I was single a long time before I married again, but I know that mothers are the same. I didn't I looked at it if they love me they love me but I will not buy this and this and this trying to keep their love cause I feel your teaching them you get something to get love and I don't believe that is how it should be.
I am not saying that my kids were always perfect, when they were younger they had their time, we had our fights, but we always loved no matter what. I remember the first date I had, the door bell rang they just were laying around watching TV and never bothered to say hi or get up and act decent. When I got home I gave them 2 choices, I said What you did was wrong so you have two choices, one if someone rings the door bell you get up say hi and shake their hand.or you get your butt up and get upstairs to you room. Of course they chose the 2nd choice but I was not going to let them be rude to people.
For the first few years of our marriage, his son and I got along really good. He came here during college break. Now reflecting he probably just did it to irriate
What I think the problems are with his kids which is what I hear them say about other family members is it is money. They never lived in this house we have. We plan on enjoying our retirment sometime if something don't just keep happening so we have said kidding we are going to spend all our money on us. But everyone knows there will always be something left. The house, cars, savings, that will be left and it is to be divided by all 6 kids. That is what they don't like. They have already told me if their dad dies first they plan on stripping my walls when they leave. Well they are not, in fact they will not even be in my home. They will get what their dad wants them to have but not that day. Same as my kids. What we have is what we built together the last 14 years only personal things.
I do not know how they raised their kids, but it appears they were taught not to give but to take.
My issue in writing about it is this: I truely am worried about myself. When his son called and I heard his voice I hyper vent, I felt I was going to explode, we were in our truck comeing home from a good time with friends. I really thought I was going to pass our have a heart attack and I really didn't care.
I am grieving over my son the hardest loss of anything that I know, and I know that since that happened a week ago Friday, I am different. I feel angry, I am mad, I am irriatable, I am ready to jump on my husband if he says anything. I seem that I have lost control of myself. I don't like myself like this but I don't know what to do. I know what his kids do they are just jealous of the relationship we have with my kids but that I am tired of them saying so many bad things about me
But enough it is me that I am concerned about. I have never felt this feeling of what I think is hate toward anyone. I am always forgiving of people cause people are people and things happen. My pain of the loss of my son is so deep and so fresh and I might always feel it is I don't know, but I really don't know how to just let what his kids do go. I don't go with him much to see them, but right now and in Oct when my son needed both of us and he was visiting his children i am so angry about that. When my son had no strenght and me and his wife had taken him to the doctor and he fell on the hard concrete floor of the parking garage and he so much loved and depended on my husband but we were in AL my son is dying and he was in VA and what does my husband say on the phone. Oh I wish I could be there. HE COULD. HE CHOOSE TO GO TO VA, than to be with me and my son who needed the help. Watching my son trying to get off the concrete floor in so much pain I hate my husband for that day. He knew how bad he was yet he chose to visit his kids, we were going there in Jan anyway to see the new baby, he could have waited, he could have been there to help my son and me. As I write this it is not the letter I am so totally upset about it is that my husband ran over there after the letter to fix things, when my son needed him and I needed him and where was he. Not where he should have been. Maybe that is what I can not get over. I really don't care if his kids like me or not. They don't live close so I don't have to be around them . I think as I write this that if his son calls it just brings back that day that day when my big strong son could not help himself. That was the end of Oct. and then in Dec he died. How can I ever forgive my husband for this. I don't feel I can. Can't change the past, but don't know how to change this feeling that welds up in me when I think of it all. The letter would have made me mad, but truthfully his kids are not worth it, it's that my husband deserted me most when I needed him most.
Thanks for listening.
Sandi
Replies
Yes, I agree. You and your husband need counseling and you need a griving support group.. Your husband doesn\'t ignore you but I think doesnt\' stand by you and doesnt\' stand up to his kids. (maybe he feels you get what you give) That\'s why you need counseling to talk it over to understand. Work with your son..Have some special project or do something in his name. Lots of organizations need help. You need to get rid of the anger IT WILL DESTROY YOU. Breathe..Try meaditation comeon Sandi...
Oh Sandi, so many emotions and no right or wrong direction to point them. I\'m sure you felt so helpless trying to help your son and yes your hubby should have been with you. I\'m not minimizing what he did, only trying to see it through his eyes. Men and women are built so differently. Very few men are as sensitive and nuturing as mothers. That\'s their genetic make up. Maybe he didn\'t know the gravity of the situation. Maybe he thought there would be more time with your son. As much as I really love my \"bonus\" children, I won\'t lie, I feel a deeper love for my own biological children as I know they feel a deeper love for their biological mother. Perhaps that has a little to do with your husbands actions too. It\'s hard to blend a family and to blend adult children you would think would be easier but maybe not. Maybe in time after you feel like you have started to heal, you may have to take the high road and ask your step children what you can do to improve your relationship with them. Boy wouldn\'t that be a shocker when they have to be mature enough to give you a straight answer instead of making hurtful remarks from miles away. I\'ve always been one that believes in \"killing them with kindness\". It just may work. Continued love and support and you will be in my prayers that these issues will resolve. Love to you friend. Robin
DEAR SANDI I THINK IT IS SO SAD THAT YOU JUST LOST YOUR SON 2YRS AGO AND ALL THIS ANGER AND ARGUING OVER THINGS YOU CANNOT CONTROL. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE THE ONE TO TALK TO HIS GROWN KIDS AND EXPLAIN YOU ARE AND ALWAYS WILL BE HIS WIFE AND AFER ALL THRSE YEARS (I DON,T KNOW HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED O HIM) HE SHOULD HAVE TOL THEM ALL HIS WHOLE FAMRILY THAT IS MY WIFE ,I LOVE HERRESPECT HER OR DON,T CALL ME. BUT THERE ARE ALWAYS 2 STORIES WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILIES THIS CAN GO ON FORVER AND YOU ARE PISSED AND ANGER ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE BEING DISREPECTFUL TO YOUR SONS MEMOREY. I KNOW MY HUSBAND 2 ADOPED KOREN DAUGHTERS NEVER EVEN SENT ME A CARD. HE CALL BOTH THEM AND JUST TOLD THEM OFF, I HATED THEM LITTLE BITCHES. WELL HE HAS NOT HEARD FROM THEM IN 7 YEARS. ALL THEY WANTED FROM HIM WAS HIS MONEY. BUT I KNOW HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE (DOES THIS GUY LOVE ME OR WHAT HOW CAN HE LET HIS FAMILY CALL YOU TRAILOR TRACH,AND I CAN IMAGINE WHAT ELSE!!!!!! IT HURTS I HAVE BEEN THRU IT ALL WITH LOUSY IN-LAWS. AND REALLY I,AM GUILTY OF THE SAME THING IT EATS YOU UP I,AM FILLED WITH ANGER RIGHT NOW MY SELF BECAUSE OF HUSBAND FOOT AGAIN I,AM A NURSE MAID AGAIN WELL TAKE IT EASY HUG CJHARCO
Hi Sandi ~
I don\'t have any great words of wisdom. I just know that life is messy and challenges seem to escalate when we feel most vulnerable and down. I am so very sad for the way you have been treated by your own family.
The important thing for you to do right now is to take care of number one ~ SANDI! Just as you did the other night when you were able to sit in sweet solitude and watch My Sister\'s Keeper with your pup. Each day you need to take at least an hour to take care of you. Nothing else. Just you. Deep breathing ~ in through the nose; out through the toes. Watching another movie you want to see. Getting lost in simple distractions.
The path we are treading is tough and has many obstacles and hurtful objects in the way, but we will make it and I send so much love to you as you continue on this difficult journey.
Love and tight hugs to you ~ Debbie
Sandi,
Keep letting it out and I agree with you your husband should have made you and your needs a priority. Hugs, Inga
I think I would find a time to talk calmly to my husband. Not when he\'s tired and not when I was upset. Neutral ground. Tell him your expectations of him regarding this situation. Tell him how words and deeds have hurt you. Allow him to respond and truly listen, without judgement. Find your common points of view and build on those. His children are grown and not dependent on him. You are his wife. You must be his first priority, as he must be yours. That is the relationship to nurture and protect. The disrespect must stop, especially in your own home. It\'s taken me a long time to realize I am worthy and deserving of respect. I believe it is so true what Dr. Phil says, \"you teach people how to treat you\". I let others disrespect and abuse me for years. No longer. I value myself more now than I ever have. I will be respected and treated with dignity or you will not be a part of life. Period. For me, my biggest challenge is my son. I can not allow him to be a part of life because of his continued disrespect. I will always love him and want the best for him, but I can not allow my emotions to be controlled by him. When/if he can treat me as I deserve, he will be welcomed back into my daily life. I wish you much deserved peace and send you lots and lots of love, Teri.
Dear Sandi, I too, think you husband is behaving very serfish, and not looking after your best intersets, rather his,. id say,.. as a man, its our job , to make sure , our other half, is ok FIRST, its what we do,. and they way it shoud be, you keep staying the course, i am so sorry for the loss, of you son, the hole left in your life, must be all consuming, almost like losing a spouse, but still, not the same, no one expects to be dealing with what you are,.. none of us are,..i wish i could do more, to bring just a small ammount of happiness to you, and your kids,.. your friends, Dave