A turning point concerning OM?
I was working in OM's neighborhood again today. I have gotten to where I am mostly okay on these days once every other week, but just a little nervous when I go to and from the car. I was there from 12:30 to 5:30. I honestly think he looks for excuses to go in and out of the neighborhood a lot when I am there and sometimes he walks his dogs. The house I go to is at the entrance of the neighborhood and it is a family with small children. I have been cleaning for them for four years and truthfully, they know a bit of what happened, but not the extent of it unless they found out about the book my H wrote, which is a possibility. I have actually become very good friends with them and I look forward to working for them except for worrying about OM and just feeling generally unsettled when I am there. I was cleaning this house when the OM called me out of the blue in February which stirred things up so badly and sent me scurrying back to counseling.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
I think I will post this on CA after all, but I'll leave it here too.
I actually had a really good day there today and was in a good state of mind until I was about to leave. The whole family was playing outside to stay out of my way so I could get finished. It was a really really nice day. Other neighborhood kids were outside as well. Well, I looked out the blinds before leaving and there was OM, walking his dogs. He was standing out front and some neighborhood kids were petting his dogs. He was smiling, looking just like he did during our A. Baseball cap and all. I was shaken. I wasn't sure how to feel. I waited till he was well around the corner before venturing to my car and making my escape. I tried to take it nonchalantly, but I wasn't fooling me. I actually got my H on my bluetooth before heading to the car. I told him all about it immediately. I got home and we talked about it a bit more. I was still trying to pretend to myself that it didn't really affect me. I found myself in the kitchen alone. I stood at the sink and closed my eyes and saw him as he was standing outside just hours before with his dogs. Suddenly it was like I was hit by a two by four. I said to myself, "you sinned with that man....you sinned big big big. You hurt yourself so badly and you trauma shocked your H and hurt him so so badly too. You caused so much pain and sadness, sorrow, despair and trauma with that man."
Suddenly that image of him standing there represented not the bond we shared, but all the pain and trauma that the A caused. I went to my H and sat on his lap straddling him. I put my head on his shoulder and cried. My tears worried him a bit until I told him why. He thought I was about to make a hard confession or something; like that I had had a conversation with OM or something.
I have struggled all these 2.5 years with my feelings over OM. The feelings have changed over time, but always what I had attached to him were the feelings and memories from the A, which I just tried to shove away where they could slowly fade. I really have no negativity towards him so I never had that to help me out. I believe I made a major shift today and achieved a big turning point because I attached something different to him for the first time by attaching the pain the A caused to him. Does this mean I blame him? NO! I take 100% blame for myself. He gets 100% for himself, but how much blame he actually takes is up to him.
I think I will post this on CA after all, but I'll leave it here too.
Replies
I totally get it and boy did I need to hear what you said. Here is something I posted yesterday in one of my groups:
I had to go grocery shopping this morning as well as some other errands. Yes, I know this sounds soooo juvenile but I put on a top that didn\'t cover my ass, scarf, leggings and boots, make up was on and hair was straightened. I looked GOOD! My ass looked GOOD! So I went through the store, down the frozen isle, grabbed what I needed and walked back up the isle so OM can see my ass. I finished my list but missed something up the frozen food isle so I walked right towards bank, made eye contact with OM and then walked up the isle, away from the bank so again, he could see my ass. I just thought to myself \" Do you want a piece of this again? Well too bad because it belongs only to my husband now\" Can I get three snaps? Oh yeah!
Since we can be all honest here, I went home after the store and a little while later I realized that I was really turned on by it all and I imagined OM showing up at the house yelling at me for strutting myself and then we started....you know. So I took care of myself....tmi? It hit me hard afterwards and I felt so guilty and I thought to myself I hate this man and like you wrote above I thought about all pain our affair caused all of us. I applaud you for talking to your husband about it. I know it is something I need to work out by myself and talking to you all because I know my husband can not deal with it.