A Truth Story
This is the first entry I've written for 2011, really? I need to keep up a little better.
I find that when I'm in a happy place, I tend to stop using my daily tools for maintenance. Literature for recovery I read daily, meditation, and journal writing all get tossed out the window as soon as that little heart flutter begins. It started when I met David back 2 Novembers ago, and it hasn't stopped. I've gone back to these daily maintenance items from time to time, but not consistently. I guess these are probably the times I need to keep on track the most. I've learned in recovery that I need to go to meetings whether I am struggling with issues in my life, or perfectly at peace with myself.
Since David and I have moved back to Roanoke for a time while we are waiting for his house to sell, I've been attending more meetings again which feels great. I would like to make a goal to start journaling more consistently too. Electronically or in writing. Both do the trick.
What I wanted to come in here and journal about is probably one of the toughest moments I've experienced since Jessica and I split up almost 2 years ago. When David and I got together I let him know I have a problem with lying and let him know that I didn't drink and smoke and that I was going to Al-Anon because my dad is an alcoholic. I even let him know about my past issues with cheating. All the big stuff and he still chose to stay. The one thing I lied to him about from the beginning was when he asked me if I had any STD's. I lied to his face and said that I was clean but that I was due to be tested for everything and would be happy to go get everything done. I have HPV, the cancer causing strain type, and found out in April of 2007 when some abnormal cells were found in my annual pap smear. I had those cells removed and have had normal pap tests every year. I should have told David I had it from the beginning, but I was scared he would leave me as I was already super attached at that point after only a month.
Carrying around the guilt from this lie slowly started eating away at me so I contacted my sponsor in Al-Anon and asked her to meet with me about this issue. I emailed her in advance to let her know what happened so I didn't waste time telling the story. When we met she basically told me that sometimes our private life is our private life and we don't always have to disclose everything. I thought this was interesting, coming from my sponsor, in a 12 step program, who I trusted very much. 12 step programs practice complete honesty (as well as never giving advice which she did), so I fully went into the get together expecting her to help me walk through my feelings and gain the courage to be honest with David. Because I trusted her with all my heart, I took her recommendation and began immediately using that as rationalization as to why I didn't have to tell him about the HPV. My heart never could fully quite keep that lie down though.
Sometimes things would come up, like an article would be published about increasing studies about men who have contracted HPV and how it will affect them. These incidences would frighten me and when David could sense something was wrong he would ask and I would either make something else up that may have been up with me at the time, or say nothing. More lies.
One night after this article, maybe about a month ago, I just felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore. Signs from my Higher Power had been building recently that were telling me it was time for truth. This was the only thing in the way between the success of my relationship with him and it's failure. We were starting to talk more seriously about children, and I knew someday, as it always does, the truth could come out from someone, a doctor perhaps, and then I would have to lie that I didn't know I had it, when in fact I did. What if someday David got throat cancer? I would never be able to forgive myself that I knew all along this was a possibility but I never told him.
He always knows. Always can tell when something is just slightly off with me and he's not afraid to ask. He'll cock his head to the side, raise one eyebrow and just look at me for a minute. "Something's not right," he'll throw out. Fear automatically seizes my body and I can't help but break down crying. I knew then that this was the moment I was going to tell him. A part of me looked forward to having this weight, this guilt, off my chest and knowing that there was nothing dishonest in our relationship anymore. But the fearful part of me screamed that this could be it. He could just get up and walk out my life tomorrow if he wanted to. But I knew either way I had to give him a choice to stay or go. I loved him too much as a person to disrespect him anymore. I love myself too much to keep telling lies.
"I have something I need to share with you that might make you not want to be with me anymore." His mind, he said, automatically jumped to the conclusion that I had cheated on him. After a couple minutes of trying to get my sobbing under control so I could get the words out, I told him about the HPV. We discussed it intelligently for a little while and calmly stated he wished I had told him but that it didn't make him want to leave me.
I find that when I'm in a happy place, I tend to stop using my daily tools for maintenance. Literature for recovery I read daily, meditation, and journal writing all get tossed out the window as soon as that little heart flutter begins. It started when I met David back 2 Novembers ago, and it hasn't stopped. I've gone back to these daily maintenance items from time to time, but not consistently. I guess these are probably the times I need to keep on track the most. I've learned in recovery that I need to go to meetings whether I am struggling with issues in my life, or perfectly at peace with myself.
Since David and I have moved back to Roanoke for a time while we are waiting for his house to sell, I've been attending more meetings again which feels great. I would like to make a goal to start journaling more consistently too. Electronically or in writing. Both do the trick.
What I wanted to come in here and journal about is probably one of the toughest moments I've experienced since Jessica and I split up almost 2 years ago. When David and I got together I let him know I have a problem with lying and let him know that I didn't drink and smoke and that I was going to Al-Anon because my dad is an alcoholic. I even let him know about my past issues with cheating. All the big stuff and he still chose to stay. The one thing I lied to him about from the beginning was when he asked me if I had any STD's. I lied to his face and said that I was clean but that I was due to be tested for everything and would be happy to go get everything done. I have HPV, the cancer causing strain type, and found out in April of 2007 when some abnormal cells were found in my annual pap smear. I had those cells removed and have had normal pap tests every year. I should have told David I had it from the beginning, but I was scared he would leave me as I was already super attached at that point after only a month.
Carrying around the guilt from this lie slowly started eating away at me so I contacted my sponsor in Al-Anon and asked her to meet with me about this issue. I emailed her in advance to let her know what happened so I didn't waste time telling the story. When we met she basically told me that sometimes our private life is our private life and we don't always have to disclose everything. I thought this was interesting, coming from my sponsor, in a 12 step program, who I trusted very much. 12 step programs practice complete honesty (as well as never giving advice which she did), so I fully went into the get together expecting her to help me walk through my feelings and gain the courage to be honest with David. Because I trusted her with all my heart, I took her recommendation and began immediately using that as rationalization as to why I didn't have to tell him about the HPV. My heart never could fully quite keep that lie down though.
Sometimes things would come up, like an article would be published about increasing studies about men who have contracted HPV and how it will affect them. These incidences would frighten me and when David could sense something was wrong he would ask and I would either make something else up that may have been up with me at the time, or say nothing. More lies.
One night after this article, maybe about a month ago, I just felt like I couldn't hold it in anymore. Signs from my Higher Power had been building recently that were telling me it was time for truth. This was the only thing in the way between the success of my relationship with him and it's failure. We were starting to talk more seriously about children, and I knew someday, as it always does, the truth could come out from someone, a doctor perhaps, and then I would have to lie that I didn't know I had it, when in fact I did. What if someday David got throat cancer? I would never be able to forgive myself that I knew all along this was a possibility but I never told him.
He always knows. Always can tell when something is just slightly off with me and he's not afraid to ask. He'll cock his head to the side, raise one eyebrow and just look at me for a minute. "Something's not right," he'll throw out. Fear automatically seizes my body and I can't help but break down crying. I knew then that this was the moment I was going to tell him. A part of me looked forward to having this weight, this guilt, off my chest and knowing that there was nothing dishonest in our relationship anymore. But the fearful part of me screamed that this could be it. He could just get up and walk out my life tomorrow if he wanted to. But I knew either way I had to give him a choice to stay or go. I loved him too much as a person to disrespect him anymore. I love myself too much to keep telling lies.
"I have something I need to share with you that might make you not want to be with me anymore." His mind, he said, automatically jumped to the conclusion that I had cheated on him. After a couple minutes of trying to get my sobbing under control so I could get the words out, I told him about the HPV. We discussed it intelligently for a little while and calmly stated he wished I had told him but that it didn't make him want to leave me.
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