A Time to Vent Part II

What is with me today? I'm not usually one to gripe. In fact, I'm a very positive person. I'd even go as far to say that I'm the most positive person I know. But today.... I'm fatigued. I'm nauseous. I'm in pain. I'm just blah. I've been thinking a lot today about things that are bothering me I guess. I just finished watching Bridget Jones' Diary and it got me feeling all lovey dovey of course. I've sworn off relationships for the remainder of my life. Romantic ones anyway. I've decided I don't want to put anyone else through all of my medical issues. I've decided that I don't want to have children because I don't want to pass on the disease to them and I don't know how long I'll be around to take care of them. This has taken me a long time to accept because having children has been my lifelong dream. But I have. And I understand the consequences of my decision. But it still sucks. I'm 25. I still have blood pumping through my veins. And I still have feelings. It's only been a few months since I've had my heart broken last. To make a long story short, he cheated and knocked her up. Then to make an even longer story short....he ended up cheating on her with me....(yes, I'm an idiot...) and then decides it's a good idea if she reaches out to me as a new friend since she won't have any when she moves to our town. She starts telling me a sob story about her ex baby daddy (yes, she already has a child) and how he cheated and lied, etc. etc. and she's "so afraid" the current jerk (because that's what he is) is going to do the same thing. I did the right thing. I told the truth. He blocks all contact with me. She thanks me for my honesty IF I'm telling the truth....but then says that if I'm doing it to hurt them like he says I am then I should be ashamed of myself. Huh???? I told her she was welcome and to tell him that kharma is not a fun thing to play around with. I've never been in a situation like that before in my life. I've never played a role in cheating before and I felt awful.  But....I cleared my conscience and I will no longer feel bad. What gets me is that he and I agreed to remain friends.  Best friends before I admitted the truth to her. Because in all honesty he was my best friend. He was there for me through a very rough time back in June when I was sicker than anything and no doctor would help me because I wasn't insured. I didn't tell her the truth to hurt anyone....I did it because I liked her.  She's a good person and didn't deserve to be deceived like that.  What was I supposed to do?  Sit in the back at the baby shower, maybe the kid's first birthday party, or hell, even their WEDDING with this terrible secret written all over my face? Truth comes out always whether we want it to or not. And any self respecting man will own up to his mistakes and be honest with a woman he claims to love and wants to support for the rest of his life. That was never my issue.  I know what's in my future. My issue was with the lies. And seriously, she knows he's lying.  Or else she wouldn't have thanked me.  In the back of her mind she'll always know.  She'll always wonder if he's doing it again. And he'll always feel guilty. And that sucks. A relationship based on guilt and distrust. No, thank you. So, I feel bad for them. But she made her bed.  And most likely will cry in it. So...why is it then....why is it that girls with low self esteem...girls who are controlling, jealous, bitchy, or any other negative personality flaw you can think of...why is it that they are the ones who are married or have a special someone? When the honest, caring, open, awesome, and confident girls are home alone with terminal illnesses? But then again, why do I care? I made the decision right? But maybe it's because I feel I'm forced to. Maybe because I don't want to drag someone down with me and my disease.   Maybe I think that's unfair. And I don't think that's so bad of me. So, I guess that means I can't gripe about it then, huh?  haha *sigh* I'll get out of this funk I'm sure. I have the next two days off from work to rest and hopefully this new antibiotic is going to finally clear up this kidney infection. Plus, I'll get to see my family on Friday.  :) That's something to look forward to. No matter what....there always is.