A Tale Of Self Destruction
I'm here because I need to tell this little tale, because I have to get it out even though it's an ugly read.
I've become a master at destroying everything good I feel inside.
The only incentive I've had to want to change, has been a truly kind and loving woman who came into my life about 15 months ago. There was once romance. There was a strong loving bond. Yet because of who I am and the demons I carry so close to me, that came to pass. She still wants me in her life - I can no longer cope with the grieving over what once was. I've used her to create sharp internal weapons to torture myself with.
I choose to create this prison I am trapped in because I do not love myself enough to help myself be any different. Pushing everyone in my life away is more reason to carry out the final self annihilation. I am not depressed - I am the embodiment of depression. I've crafted it down to a fine art. If I'm genuinely attracted to you, it's because I search for my serenity in you, when it would only ever be found in myself.
A parasite feeding on whatever affections you can spare.
Can this darkness ever be shown the light?
The clock is ticking, maybe time will tell.
I've become a master at destroying everything good I feel inside.
The only incentive I've had to want to change, has been a truly kind and loving woman who came into my life about 15 months ago. There was once romance. There was a strong loving bond. Yet because of who I am and the demons I carry so close to me, that came to pass. She still wants me in her life - I can no longer cope with the grieving over what once was. I've used her to create sharp internal weapons to torture myself with.
I choose to create this prison I am trapped in because I do not love myself enough to help myself be any different. Pushing everyone in my life away is more reason to carry out the final self annihilation. I am not depressed - I am the embodiment of depression. I've crafted it down to a fine art. If I'm genuinely attracted to you, it's because I search for my serenity in you, when it would only ever be found in myself.
A parasite feeding on whatever affections you can spare.
Can this darkness ever be shown the light?
The clock is ticking, maybe time will tell.
Replies
Okay, I have heard from more than one person about trying to take away the love you have for somebody, even if it is just a friendship. I have accomplished this myself. However, you realize the problem, and that is the first step. I would talk to her about it, and try to find some way to work it out. Do you wish to be alone? I know how hard those demons are, but you have character and strength, and I would use it by talking to this woman. You can provide your own light, and let her help you shine bright too.
We\'ve talked quite extensively about how we both feel and due to our circumstances I feel it would be best for me to be alone rather than keep up contact, and I also feel she would benefit from my absence due to these demons being so prominent. Yet do I really wish to be alone? No. Yet I lock myself away from the world, because I have no faith I can feel good around anyone else.
My own light is not enough at this time for her light to really help.
Sweetie.. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.. I have recently gone through a terrible and painful marriage.. I hear and feel your pain.. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks just before Christmas and have finally been referred for trauma therapy... I am hoping that this will cut through the years that have made me what I am today and change what needs to be changed.. have you ever had trauma therapy??.. I have a feeling from what Ive seen from your journals a lot goes back to the beginning of your time.. bless you sweetie and a huge hug of comfort..xx
You\'ve done well to get where you are, Jan.
I\'ve never had trauma therapy....what makes it unique from other therapies?