A Tale Of Self Destruction

I'm here because I need to tell this little tale, because I have to get it out even though it's an ugly read.
I've become a master at destroying everything good I feel inside.
The only incentive I've had to want to change, has been a truly kind and loving woman who came into my life about 15 months ago. There was once romance. There was a strong loving bond. Yet because of who I am and the demons I carry so close to me, that came to pass. She still wants me in her life - I can no longer cope with the grieving over what once was. I've used her to create sharp internal weapons to torture myself with.
I choose to create this prison I am trapped in because I do not love myself enough to help myself be any different. Pushing everyone in my life away is more reason to carry out the final self annihilation. I am not depressed - I am the embodiment of depression. I've crafted it down to a fine art. If I'm genuinely attracted to you, it's because I search for my serenity in you, when it would only ever be found in myself.
A parasite feeding on whatever affections you can spare.
Can this darkness ever be shown the light?
The clock is ticking, maybe time will tell.