A spillover of feelings......

 
I am having a really rough time tonight and it happens from time to time unexpectedly. I'm writing to a DS friend who is going through a hard time and it dredged up things in me that just spilled out. I guess I was needing to vent .
____, please know you don’t have to “hope” that ____is with you. She i-s looking down…she has been and always will be with you….just as I know that Dick is with me. You were blessed to have her for the years you were together. As you have said she was the best thing that ever happened to you and that she gave you two kids…..and most of all her love. It is so comforting to know that and it is also special to know that they care enough about us to want us to be happy and go on in life. I say this because Dick told me that he would not be happy unless I continued on with life. He said he didn’t want me to morn him because our life together had been so very special and forward-looking that he would be sad if I didn’t take our memories along with me into a life that I would be living if I found myself alone. He said that he knew it was important for us not to be alone. We had a number of talks….but never about dying. There was only one day that he looked up at the cabinet where I had posted our current photos of the get together for his birthday four months before and, unexpectedly, he looked up at the photos and said “Honey, you are looking at a dying man”……and that was all he said. There was no feeling sorry for himself. He didn’t say that life had dealt him a bad hand. It was just a statement…..nothing more. I don’t remember responding because my heart was hurting so bad that I couldn’t.   He was so, so brave that he even shored me up at times when I was where I didn’t think I would make it through the horror he was being subjected to.
I know life isn't fair at times and I know I shouldn't feel as I do,  b-u-t I hate whatever causes ALS.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it……..why….why….why do people have to suffer through it.   It is soooo cruel. Dickie was too good a guy to have it happen to him.  Again, I say why, why, why!!