A small lightbulb lighting the way
Still tired BUT my mind feels a bit clearer. Setting things down in writing seems to help. Maybe trying to hold all sorts of things mentally becomes too hard and eventually, points and other important information gets fuzzy.
Something sort of hit me after the "nightmare of the day", which featured me with two huge boils or cysts full of pus, one on each shoulder. There was a baby in a crib and I would turn my attention to him, make faces or talk and try to rouse a smile, but the baby (male?) seemed either uninterested in anything to do with me ... or something.
I was looking around the house, trying to make decisions, including "his" stuff. I realized that REALLY, he had taken everything already that had any actual "meaning" to him. I was thinking that I should get rid of or have moved, his stuff, to make things easier to deal with. Yeah, get rid of baggage and "junk" associated with him. Makes sense.
(Meaning things that met personal needs/grooming or had monetary value. Family and "mementos" left behind; not important. Definitely different from me, as I still have cards and photos from childhood that have come through homelessness and many, many moves and etc)
There was a sign on the women's (homeless) shelter that "advertised" how you could save up as much money as possible while there - whatever time frame that is - and that was one of the major "selling" points. I wondered if maybe I was wrong, being too stubborn or the like.
I felt like I was inebriated or feverish - both? And seemingly, that though I was "at home" the realization that my state could be viewed as "undesirable" even though I was doing absolutely nothing wrong.Finally one of the cyst or boil things "popped" - a good sign.
When I woke up, I still felt exhausted (usual). Not as much. But I was thinking, too (and knowing many people are meaning well, very well) about how as things have escalated, gotten worse, I've been encouraged to "move on", get on with my life" and basically told there is "nothing I can do".
In a sense and from "where I am now", I realize there are some parts of that which are true. I know there many not be a point to trying to fight a battle without a weapon, but in martial arts and even skilled soldiery, "self-discipline" IS a weapon. Not necessarily offensive, though parts of it can be useful as such. "Psyching out" an opponent, for example, who then may think you have a hidden weapon. Just one example.
BUT the main point of the little light bulb is the sure and certain knowledge that, had I "given up" and "gone along" in past, I might be sitting here today, "happily" married and taking bipolar pills ... and giving in, giving in and giving in to N and Co. And THAT is what made me "sick" to begin with!
I realize that there are really not too many people (who I personally know) who are "scientists" or detectives in the sense of the word. I always thought doctors are; I was really surprised when "my own" doctor couldn't "handle" my panic attacks ... he could handle me as "normal" but I remember the look of horror/panic on his face when I walked into an appointment in the midst of one (that is one of the really great things about certain mental states - noticing things one doesn't otherwise, at least consciously). I remembered I realized "he couldn't handle it" and pulled myself together (so obviously, I was supposed to "handle" all).
I remember too, how hard people tried to "convince" me I was bipolar, even forcing me through treatment (at my own expense, of course) as a Court ordered patient. I remember ex and his mother coming in during that last hospitalization and my not fighting anything as I was convinced they would just gang up against me and my fate would be worse than giving in, or appearing to, for the time. Since I WAS so "whonked" and even looked like a war refugee at the time, that was probably a good decision.
People seem to like straightforward and easy routines. Even I get irritated by seemingly "nuisance" snags in the day, some times more than other times. Sometimes I do wonder, though, if people KNEW that there actions or their callous disregard or dislike for details or additional work would have a really bad effect on someone's life or kill them - that they WOULD be a "responsible" agent for the outcome - would it make a difference to them? I honestly wonder; I don't know.
I remember reading that one of the reasons we can't take in all the sensory stimulation we are exposed to is that it would "make one crazy". And in terms of awareness, the more that is noticed and worked with, the higher the levels of cognitive dissonance, at least at times. Supposedly, it is a mark of maturity to be able to tolerate that (consciously) experience of ambivalence and something N can't do. They can "see" someone as evil (all bad) but treat them to their face as if they are "wonderful", but they can't see a person as "mostly good" with some irritating or negative aspects or vice versa.
And from the fringes of that, the thought comes to mind ... "professional detachment" is the way to work with "clients" or "persons served" in order to avoid emotional overwhelm. However, it does not necessarily mean that people are "treated the same", necessarily.
I just doubt that my brain/mind would be "getting all the truths" that have come out merely to allow me to be "destroyed" with full knowledge of the injustice. It seems that there are reasons I wasn't getting some things in past and some of that I think I understand - at least some of it. I had come to the conclusion, that even with forgotten memories, my own mind (or others') won't give "more than one can handle". Maybe I have been working with this material and it REALLY DOES make a lot of sense ... and the outside isn't "prepared", especially with the length and complexity of events. Plus, there being the biases against me that surely exist, with his "prep" of the "system" to see me as a loony tunes trouble maker. Magicians are skilled at fooling the eye and Ns and As skillful at clouding the mind.
I come to realize, the newspaper WILL print "warnings" of scam operators who are trying to fool the "general public". Isn't it a lot less risk to a scammer if they can hone in on ONE victim rather than focus on many ... more people to complain, testify, identify? Was I not a member of the "general public" before I fell into this web of lies and deceits?
Maybe that is part of it ... reframe. It's what helped me to understand. Maybe in "working with" others, they need to be jogged to reframe.
Something sort of hit me after the "nightmare of the day", which featured me with two huge boils or cysts full of pus, one on each shoulder. There was a baby in a crib and I would turn my attention to him, make faces or talk and try to rouse a smile, but the baby (male?) seemed either uninterested in anything to do with me ... or something.
I was looking around the house, trying to make decisions, including "his" stuff. I realized that REALLY, he had taken everything already that had any actual "meaning" to him. I was thinking that I should get rid of or have moved, his stuff, to make things easier to deal with. Yeah, get rid of baggage and "junk" associated with him. Makes sense.
(Meaning things that met personal needs/grooming or had monetary value. Family and "mementos" left behind; not important. Definitely different from me, as I still have cards and photos from childhood that have come through homelessness and many, many moves and etc)
There was a sign on the women's (homeless) shelter that "advertised" how you could save up as much money as possible while there - whatever time frame that is - and that was one of the major "selling" points. I wondered if maybe I was wrong, being too stubborn or the like.
I felt like I was inebriated or feverish - both? And seemingly, that though I was "at home" the realization that my state could be viewed as "undesirable" even though I was doing absolutely nothing wrong.Finally one of the cyst or boil things "popped" - a good sign.
When I woke up, I still felt exhausted (usual). Not as much. But I was thinking, too (and knowing many people are meaning well, very well) about how as things have escalated, gotten worse, I've been encouraged to "move on", get on with my life" and basically told there is "nothing I can do".
In a sense and from "where I am now", I realize there are some parts of that which are true. I know there many not be a point to trying to fight a battle without a weapon, but in martial arts and even skilled soldiery, "self-discipline" IS a weapon. Not necessarily offensive, though parts of it can be useful as such. "Psyching out" an opponent, for example, who then may think you have a hidden weapon. Just one example.
BUT the main point of the little light bulb is the sure and certain knowledge that, had I "given up" and "gone along" in past, I might be sitting here today, "happily" married and taking bipolar pills ... and giving in, giving in and giving in to N and Co. And THAT is what made me "sick" to begin with!
I realize that there are really not too many people (who I personally know) who are "scientists" or detectives in the sense of the word. I always thought doctors are; I was really surprised when "my own" doctor couldn't "handle" my panic attacks ... he could handle me as "normal" but I remember the look of horror/panic on his face when I walked into an appointment in the midst of one (that is one of the really great things about certain mental states - noticing things one doesn't otherwise, at least consciously). I remembered I realized "he couldn't handle it" and pulled myself together (so obviously, I was supposed to "handle" all).
I remember too, how hard people tried to "convince" me I was bipolar, even forcing me through treatment (at my own expense, of course) as a Court ordered patient. I remember ex and his mother coming in during that last hospitalization and my not fighting anything as I was convinced they would just gang up against me and my fate would be worse than giving in, or appearing to, for the time. Since I WAS so "whonked" and even looked like a war refugee at the time, that was probably a good decision.
People seem to like straightforward and easy routines. Even I get irritated by seemingly "nuisance" snags in the day, some times more than other times. Sometimes I do wonder, though, if people KNEW that there actions or their callous disregard or dislike for details or additional work would have a really bad effect on someone's life or kill them - that they WOULD be a "responsible" agent for the outcome - would it make a difference to them? I honestly wonder; I don't know.
I remember reading that one of the reasons we can't take in all the sensory stimulation we are exposed to is that it would "make one crazy". And in terms of awareness, the more that is noticed and worked with, the higher the levels of cognitive dissonance, at least at times. Supposedly, it is a mark of maturity to be able to tolerate that (consciously) experience of ambivalence and something N can't do. They can "see" someone as evil (all bad) but treat them to their face as if they are "wonderful", but they can't see a person as "mostly good" with some irritating or negative aspects or vice versa.
And from the fringes of that, the thought comes to mind ... "professional detachment" is the way to work with "clients" or "persons served" in order to avoid emotional overwhelm. However, it does not necessarily mean that people are "treated the same", necessarily.
I just doubt that my brain/mind would be "getting all the truths" that have come out merely to allow me to be "destroyed" with full knowledge of the injustice. It seems that there are reasons I wasn't getting some things in past and some of that I think I understand - at least some of it. I had come to the conclusion, that even with forgotten memories, my own mind (or others') won't give "more than one can handle". Maybe I have been working with this material and it REALLY DOES make a lot of sense ... and the outside isn't "prepared", especially with the length and complexity of events. Plus, there being the biases against me that surely exist, with his "prep" of the "system" to see me as a loony tunes trouble maker. Magicians are skilled at fooling the eye and Ns and As skillful at clouding the mind.
I come to realize, the newspaper WILL print "warnings" of scam operators who are trying to fool the "general public". Isn't it a lot less risk to a scammer if they can hone in on ONE victim rather than focus on many ... more people to complain, testify, identify? Was I not a member of the "general public" before I fell into this web of lies and deceits?
Maybe that is part of it ... reframe. It's what helped me to understand. Maybe in "working with" others, they need to be jogged to reframe.
Replies
Some of this here reminds me of my experience in the home for epileptics I lived in. It taught me that becoming a longterm resident in an institution strips one of his/her credibility. Thus people living a more autonomous lifestyle outside the home would not want much to do with me. Upon leaving the home than I was welcome. But with politics and French supremacy over English in Quebec and not having worked on my childhood sexual abuse which caused extreme anxiety and nervousness as an adult, the welcome was rather short. I have had to go to Montreal to do things in the past to avoid the looks of superiority of others here. Nobody knew of the home in Montreal. So I was an ordinary epileptic, as in autonomous. But things have changed and the home is rarely a topic of discussion at any level as it has been torn down and the space has another vocation. So I\'m pretty much at ease here now. Another geographical location and a fresh start is often welcoming. You have to do what you have to do. How is your confidence in interracting with others? That can be eroded after significant exposure to N or psychopath. Take your time and decide what is right for you. And concentrate on yourself more. You can\'t control others.....especially Ns and psychopaths. Try to stay clear of those. :)