A Short Follow-Up
Tuesday, March 17, 2009 - 9:35 AM Yesterday morning, I went to see Dale, my therapist at the mental health clinic. He wanted to see me concerning the problems I had with my brother last week. Although I was there for about an hour, I am not sure that we accomplished all that much. I gave him copies of all the e-mail my brother and I exchanged. Dale said that family counseling usually took a long time. He also said that if it was causing me physical problems, such as an increase in my blood pressure, that we could stop the counseling altogether. I told Dale that he and Dr. Martin were both letting my brother pull the wool over their eyes by convincing them that he was really a good guy. I said that my brother had been a college professor for about 35 years, and that I thought he was trying to take control of our counseling sessions. I said that I would feel better if they would not let my brother get away with that. I agreed to continue with the counseling, and we scheduled another session for Monday, April 13. I sent an e-mail to my brother last night telling him of the day and time for our next counseling session. We both exchanged some pleasant e-mails. Dale said that the next time he sees my brother with me, he wants to have a confrontation with him in order to try and establish exactly what was said at the last session. I told Dale that I still was sure that my brother had said he was ashamed to be seen with me in public. I realize that I have no way of proving he said this, so it may turn out to be one of those times when we both agree to disagree.
Replies
Jim,
The proof is in those emails, Jim. I\'m surprised the therapist doesn\'t see it right away.
You have an awareness that is above most when it comes to judging others, I\'ll bet. I think it\'s complicated here by the fact that you want so badly to love your brother. Perhaps part of you does love him.
It does not matter what he said in the counseling session anymore. What he said in the email was meant to belittle and de-empower. I could see it. You could feel it. If you need help seeing it so you can explain it to the therapists (which would help them become better therapists), just say the word.
Hugs,
Sam
Sam, I just can\'t seem to see the proof in the emails. Maybe it\'s because I\'m too close to the situation. Personally, I did not like the tone of the emails. I felt as though my brother was putting me down. He\'s very skilled at that.
Hi Jim you know suppose you\'re right and your brother is unconfortable with you in public. Then that really is HIS!!!! Problem NOT YOURS. You are the way you are. That is the way God made you and I. neither of us can change that can we. Many hugs-Stephanie
I sure do understand how you are feeling about the remark your brother made to you during that therapy session.
The wild part is that Dale and your doctor did not pick up on it.
Sometimes their minds are on other things involving the session strategies and they may miss something big.
I have had this problem at times.
I am absolutely positive something happened.
I assume others that are in my presence will validate my experience.
Shockingly, sometimes they don\'t.
That brings on another dimension of uncomfortableness.
You were right there !
You heard your brothers statement very clearly.
I admire you for sticking to the truth of the situation despite Dale and your doctor stating they did not hear your brother saying these words.
Stand firm.
You may not get the validation that would be warranted, but you do have the that truth and your personal integrity to help strengthen you in these sessions.
Most would give up on therapy because of the health issues and irritation it is causing for you at times.
A lesser man would back down.
Stop and congratulate yourself on your the depth and strength of your recovery work. You are quite a guy.
It is apparent that both you and your brother are very intelligent people.
Being very smart and well educated can cause trouble in personal and family situations. Your brother is a perfect example. He wraps his clock of intellectual expertise around himself in a great swooping and scathing manor.
That puts him in that unreachable tower of righteousness, filled with godlike unaccountability where he spends a great deal of his time.
It seems to me, frequently in family therapy, it is imperative that some other significant others or siblings demonstrate that they were unscathed by past events. There can be a labeling of \" I am fine...HE/SHE is the one with the problem. Just look at my life...I am FINE....\"
Take good care of yourself.
Continue to be honest and clear.
Do what is best for you.
Perhaps in the future you will decide against this family therapy involvement.
But, for now, whether you believe it or not.....YOU are the white knight.
Hold fast.
Be true to your heart.
I believe in you.
\"I guess I shouldn\'t say anything at the end of a session, but the middle doesn\'t seem to work a lot better. Let me work backwards, taking these up 3 to 1. \"
-What does he mean by this? Have you had disagreements over something he\'s said in the middle? He acknowledges that it was a bad time but he doesn\'t say sorry, does he? Confusing, this is.
\"3. Nope. I didn\'t say at the end of the meeting that I was ashamed to be seen in public with you. Something like this did come up much earlier, when I was explaining my childhood ambivalence about caring for you. You may remember I invoked Boystown: \"He isn\'t heavy, he\'s my brother.\" I added to that this (speaking metaphorically): You were heavy. The two things together were meant to indicate divided feelings: on the one hand, love and caring; on the other, resentment and embarrassment. I was talking about your peeing on me. Remember? I added, in response to something Loraine asked, that I had largely but not entirely gotten over the embarrassed part, because I had grown and changed, learning more about people with disabilities in general, learning more about many other forms of difference, and of course there is no longer anything to resent.\"
-Good for him. Does he take ANY responsibility for the hurt his words caused? NO. He is defending himself. I suspect this is why you have so much trouble communicating with him. He misinterprets and then belittles. Not to mention how insensitive and uncaring his tone is. You peed on him and he feels shame? Boohoo. Does he consider how YOU felt? The shame you must have felt? You probably felt your own AND his and now he\'s trying to dump his on you again. He\'s using the disability to get to you. He knows your weakness and he is exploiting it and the therapists are letting him. Oh, my blood is boiling now. He says he\'s over it but he brought it up, right? Why? What could his motive have been if he\'s so educated on things now and he\'s no longer resentful of you for something that you have no control over? Why is he bringing it up?
\"2. \"Quickly\" was never the issue. I was telling you that you often refuse to respond directly--openly, forthrightly--to things, and this is, as I did say, something that Barb and my daughters have observed. (I should of course leave them all out of it. Sorry.) You did tell me after the meeting before the last that you couldn\'t tell me what you felt about something until after you had talked to Loraine. In general, when pressed to give an opinion or to say what you think or to explain what you feel, you often side-step. You say things like \"I don\'t know yet\"; \"I don\'t want to say because I don\'t like to talk before I think\"; \"I\'m not sure\"; \"I\'ll have to think about that.\" These, too, are rough paraphrases. You seem afraid of offending, so afraid that you evade whatever the truth is, or so it seems to me. I said (no doubt too quickly at the end) that it was hard to get an authentic response from you, a response that was not filtered by your careful calculation, not shaped by consultation with your team. You are extremely guarded. The result, for me anyway, is that you sometimes seem unreal. \"
-You seem unreal? HOLY FUCK. What does THAT mean even? Unreal?
He could learn A LOT from you in this regard. His responses and thoughts should be more thought out. I love what Weebs said about this and how gentle she was in explaining to him but I want to slap him across the face. Unreal?
Yah, I\'d be afraid with him too. NO doubt. He bullies by dragging others in and ganging up. I\'m glad he apologized for speaking on his wife and daughters\' behalf but the fact that he sandwiched it in between two insults is just strategy, not truth. The truth is that you are so much wiser and stronger and real than he will ever be. It\'s like he\'s from a different freaking planet, the way he talks. He\'s not educated AT ALL about people with disabilities, is he? Perhaps he needs a lesson in patience along with some more education about people with disabilities AND children who have been abused and abusive communication methods.
\"1, This is more or less accurate. I wish I could remember exactly what the topic was, but I can\'t. It was a question about what you thought and/or felt. You did say you couldn\'t tell me until you had talked it over with Loraine. This struck me then, and still strikes me now, as some kind of weird refusal to be yourself without guidance, or perhaps approval, from others.\"
HAHAH. It\'s fear, dumbass. Paralyzing fear. Fear of you. Fear of people in positions of authority. Fear of hurting others with words like you use. Approval? What planet is he from???
\"I said in our very first joint session that I thought you were afraid (needlessly afraid) of crossing anyone, of annoying anyone, of offending anyone. I cited then, as an example, your behavior in the hospital (I had just visited you there a short time before). It seemed clear that you couldn\'t bring yourself to complain, even though you were being mistreated. I imagine that some of this is related to your fear of anger. I am happy to explore any or all of this next time (preferably not at the very end of a session--my fault).\"
It\'s fear of people getting killed. So no, not so needlessly.
I like how he ends nicely. He\'s buttering you up. Trying to gloss over the hurtful feelings expressed. Now you have to be sure that he brings it up at the beginning of the session because he\'s stated earlier that the middle is no better. Kind of makes you not want to bring it up at all, right? He wants you to talk more openly and honestly and quickly, yet he sure doesn\'t handle it well when you try.
\"I hope this helps whatever it is that you are up to. I\'m interested in having us understand each other better and in improving our relationship through such understanding. Above all, I want you to have a better life. \"
What you are UP TO? So if you DO try to open up communication and be more like how he wants you to be, he then accuses you of being up to something? WTF?
\"Email is an awkward medium; it is hard to be precise in a quick note, so please don\'t get hung up on any one word or formulation. Do we have another meeting scheduled? Do you want another meeting?\"
Jim, I\'m assuming email is the best medium for you and he wants to remove that from you. I think he\'s afraid of the level of mistreatment you\'ve endured, and he\'s part of it. That is terrifying him. He is afraid more than you. Anything he can do to knock you off your base a little bit helps him feel superior. I think email would be the best way to communicate with him. Then you can keep having a record of his words to wade through and try to figure out what his angle is.
I think his strategy is: confuse, shame, bully, question, then apologize or butter-up, then demand. Could even be a pattern with him.
Hooo-wheee!!! Team Jim is on the rant train!
I agree with everything here.
BUT.
I have to remember ALWAYS that YOUR BROTHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC and with that comes a set of behaviors and a lack of behaviors that he has no clue about.
Do your therapists know your brother drank? Do they know the full scope of what HE brings to your sessions?
If they don\'t know, they need to.
I remember a lot of the things my cousins told me about their dad, who died from his alcoholism.
I think Jim, you may have to put aside a bit that he\'s your brother. Because he\'s not himself either. Use that journalist\'s hat of yours.
You don\'t have to put up with his BS - just realize the unhealthy place it comes from before you react.
YOU WILL WIN.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
I want to thank everyone for the comments left in this journal entry, as well as to express my appreciation of how well everyone managed to grasp the various things that my brother had to say to me.
I sure do understand how you are feeling about the remark your brother made to you during that therapy session.
The wild part is that Dale and your doctor did not pick up on it.
I think they are really trying to put a lot of time and energy in trying to figure him out. He is somewhat of an enigma, and it may take them a while to get used to him.
I admire you for sticking to the truth of the situation despite Dale and your doctor stating they did not hear your brother saying these words.
Stand firm.
I am not one for imagining things, nor for making them up. I was not hallucinating. My brother and I both know what he said. I know what I heard. There is nothing that anyone can ever say to make me change my mind when I know that I am right.
Your brother is a perfect example. He wraps his clock of intellectual expertise around himself in a great swooping and scathing manor.
That puts him in that unreachable tower of righteousness, filled with godlike unaccountability where he spends a great deal of his time.
There were times when I thought that my brother felt as if he was ensconced in a tall white ivory tower, where no one could touch him and he would be invincible. If that was the case, he was wrong.
\"I guess I shouldn\'t say anything at the end of a session, but the middle doesn\'t seem to work a lot better. Let me work backwards, taking these up 3 to 1. \"
-What does he mean by this?
When I wrote to my brother, I gave him a list of three questions that I wanted him to answer. I numbered them 1 to 3. I suspect that he was saying that he was going to answer the questions in the reverse order than that in which they were asked
Additionally, when most of our sessions begin, my brother tries to take control right away. If that does not work, he is in control by the middle of the session. At the last session, the comment he made about me came at the conclusion of the session.
\"I was talking about your peeing on me. Remember? I added, in response to something Loraine asked, that I had largely but not entirely gotten over the embarrassed part, because I had grown and changed, learning more about people with disabilities in general, learning more about many other forms of difference, and of course there is no longer anything to resent.\"
Does he consider how YOU felt? The shame you must have felt? You probably felt your own AND his and now he\'s trying to dump his on you again. He\'s using the disability to get to you. He knows your weakness and he is exploiting it and the therapists are letting him.
That incident occurred at about the time I was less than 10 years old. People in the medical profession did not know very much about cerebral palsy, what caused it, or how to treat it. If they did not know, there is no way that anyone in my family could have known either.
Doctors can now explain my condition, and it is called \"bladder incontinence.\" In non-medical terms, it means loss of bladder control. There was nothing I could do about it. When my brother mentioned that in his e-mail, I wondered to myself why he would bring it up at the counseling session if he really had little or no resentment. I had been ashamed at myself at the time it happened, and even though I now knew the cause of the problem, memories of it brought back the shame again when my brother told the therapists what had happened.
\"I said (no doubt too quickly at the end) that it was hard to get an authentic response from you, a response that was not filtered by your careful calculation, not shaped by consultation with your team. You are extremely guarded. The result, for me anyway, is that you sometimes seem unreal.\"
I admit to taking time before answering questions. I want to make sure that whatever I say is accurate and does not hurt someone else. If he thinks that is being \"extremely guarded,\" then so be it. That is the way I am, and I am not likely to change just to please someone else. As for being unreal, I\'m not sure what he meant by that.
\"HAHAH. It\'s fear, dumbass. Paralyzing fear. Fear of you. Fear of people in positions of authority. Fear of hurting others with words like you use.\"
Sam, you hit the nail on the head.
\"I said in our very first joint session that I thought you were afraid (needlessly afraid) of crossing anyone, of annoying anyone, of offending anyone. I cited then, as an example, your behavior in the hospital (I had just visited you there a short time before). It seemed clear that you couldn\'t bring yourself to complain, even though you were being mistreated. I imagine that some of this is related to your fear of anger. I am happy to explore any or all of this next time (preferably not at the very end of a session--my fault).\"
As a person with a disability, I often rely on other people to help me. It did not make sense for me to complain to someone (whose responsibility it was to provide my care) about the care I was being given. I admit to being afraid that the person could get angry and hurt me in some way while there was no one else nearby.
\"I hope this helps whatever it is that you are up to.\"
Whatever it is that I am up to? He makes it sound as though I am plotting something. He must be thinking about himself and what he has done in the past, rather than me.
\"Email is an awkward medium.\"
Writing is much easier for me than talking. I have much more time to think about what I\'m going to say. The fact that this is an awkward medium for my brother does not concern me in the least. I prefer receiving e-mail from my brother so that I can have a written record of what he says.
\"Do your therapists know your brother drank? Do they know the full scope of what HE brings to your sessions?\"
Both of my therapists know that my brother drinks. I do not know if they are aware of the full scope of what he brings to my sessions. I would hope that they did.
\"You don\'t have to put up with his BS - just realize the unhealthy place it comes from before you react.\"
I try and take a certain amount of time before I make any type of reaction. When I do react, I try to make sure it is in a calm and peaceful manner.
\"YOU WILL WIN.\"
I don\'t think of this as a question of winning or losing. I just want to feel better about my life and the role my brother plays in it.
I think Weebs means the battle against depression. I\'m sure you feel it is a battle. I sure do.
You might not feel better about the role he plays in it. You might have to grieve the death of hope that he will be the brother you\'d like. Does that make sense?
BIG HUGS TODAY.
I really can\'t get over how surreal this whole situation is. It\'s like he thinks he\'s stronger than you or something. The truth is he could not have survived your life. I really think he would have crumbled.
You, friend, are one STRONG guy.
I can be a very stubborn person, so I still haven\'t given up on my brother even though he isn\'t making it easy for me. Sometimes I feel that my brother partially causes my depression rather than helping me overcome it.
He is definitely stronger than I am physically. I think I have the upper hand when it comes to feelings, emotions, and thoughtfulness - each of which I consider to be essential parts of humanity and life.
Yes, that\'s what I meant Sam.
tankee!
Great review of journal comments, Jim.
You were very precise and clear.
I learned a lot.
Also, I want to mention that I said your brother was wrapping a cloak around himself...not a clock.......but the visual is kinda funny, as I am thinking of it.