A sad afternoon
For the past two weeks I started scheduling some activities to reconnect--most of time one activity a day. Today started out OK. Still had difficulty to get up. Went to a badminton game at school with Kai and Ding Tou (a doctorate student) for a hour and lunch in a Japanese restaurant. On the way back, went to the Garden and had a good cry, even with a gardener witnessing. Watered her roses at the garden. Felt very tired probably because of the game. Watching a little TV. Then all the sudden, at around 3:00pm, grief started coming in waves just like the day after the funeral. Talk to Sister Cheng who suspected the couple scenes in the movie that reminded me of our times together. Eat the dinner with Bhell and she went back her room. For all the evening, I was sitting there alone with this very sad cloud over my head and waiting for its pass. Often at this moment, I remind myself of February 16, 2015 when I had no sleep for 48 hours and flew from HK to BJ and landed at 3am and waiting 2 hours for the taxi in cold wind (-4 degree) and facing potentially unexpected shock to see my mom who was in a stroke, AND all these happened after just two weeks of my wife's passing--so far the most difficult day of my life. Today was better than that day so I am OK.
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During the Christmas holidays, I was watching a silly movie on tv, I think it was Caspar the Friendly Ghost. There was a scene where a beautiful kind female spirit, Caspar\'s mom, came to send love and encouragement - and I couldn\'t stop crying. It pulled my heart strings.
That\'s nice that you water her roses. They are a living connection to her. Don\'t worry about the gardener seeing you cry, you might not be the only one.
My mom also went through a long decline, and died in March. Before she went into assisted living, I picked her up from dialysis 3x a week, cooked and ran errands. Then when I knew she was in good care, my wife\'s health started declining. After my wife died, my best friend became seriously ill, and died. Then my dog\'s diabetes worsened, she couldn\'t walk, and I took care of her until she died last month.
I feel like for the past 3 or 4 years, I have been the caretaker. Now I do not have those responsibilities, but I have forgotten a little how to take care myself.
I have our daughter, who is 25 and married and going to college and working 2 jobs. We stay in touch on Facebook, also she calls me at least once a week. Last week was her husband\'s birthday, I helped her pick out an electric guitar for him, and paid half. On Saturday they had a party for him at a bar, also it was Pi day (3.14.15) and he is a geek like me.
I have my synagogue community, and I co-facilitate a peer-support group for mood disorders. I couldn\'t go to the group for several months when Arlene\'s health declined. When I returned, the support helped a lot. And I have DS. And a few other friends.
I am a contractor consultant. I was unemployed from October through January, unusual. Since mid-February I have been looking for a new contract, I am close. I like it when I have a daily work routine.
I know I need to keep a daily routine, to manage my Bipolar Disorder. The most important thing is regular sleep habits, and eating properly, sometimes I forget to eat.
I still have one dog, and 4 cats - my friends call me the crazy cat lady. When my mom died, I took her two cats who knew me. The pets also give me daily responsibilities and routine, and love.
I\'m slowly adjusting to a new routine, by myself.
Since tomorrow is St.Patrick\'s Day, here is a little Irish saying:
\"May the worst day in your future be no worse than the best day in your past.\"
Decibel, Nice to have some furry friends. I have one cat. My wife loved the cat and named him Simba. Simba sleeps in my bed every night. I am a university professor in Hong Kong. I used to work at the University of Central Florida in Orlando Florida. My wife and I plan to spend a few years in Hong Kong and then go back to the US. Now, all is stalled. God has to do the planning and controlling for me. He has to be better than me on that.