A rough few days.....

Well as I have always said God all around us and SHE has a since of humor. We all know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle but just as I was starting to slowly come out of the shadows into the light.......... FLU!!!!!!!!! OMG 102 fever, cold shakes, stomache ache, dry heaving cause nothing left to throw up and in these times of illness I miss him the most. I remember a sweet husband who used to bring me cold compresses when I had a fever, and bowls of chicken noodle soup and tea with honey for a sore throat. I have been lying in bed for 2 days just thinking about where he went? Is that sweet man of anywhere left in him? Where did he go? What happened to him? I have thousands of stories how he used to stay by my side until the fever broke rubbing my back and running his fingers through my hair to relax me. Even holding my hair when I would throw up. Then I have to stop myself and say "Yes those were sweet times, but they are not the times that got us here." It makes me sad that I may never see that sweet guy again just filled with self pity and living in a world of his own misery. I wish my little boy could have seen his dad at his best and not the selfish, scared, runaway dad he sees now. I think that's why our older children are so resentful to him now because they do remember the great dad and husband. The dad who coached little leaque, and the dad who took them out for the day so mom could have some time to herself. I think they feel bad for their little brother that he won't get that. He only gets what little time with him he decides to give him. So I guess I will be the one to take him to little leaque and soccer and parent teacher conferences and just pray one day he will understand and DAD can stop being the hero for taking him golfing once a week. Oh and fyi he still owes me $400.00 in child support this month and yet he posted a comment on facebook how he lost money playing poker........Nice huh!!!!!!!