A Rough Day
Thursday, February 5, 2009 - 7:25 PM Yesterday was kind of rough for me. I saw my psychologist and we talked about the fact that I have not been feeling too well lately. She said this could be caused by stress resulting from a lot of problems and changes in my life. I told her that I had been having difficulty sleeping at night, and that I had been thinking a lot about the sexual abuse that I have had throughout my lifetime. I cannot seem to get the sights, sounds, and images out of my mind. Even though there are times when I can get rid of these for a while, sooner or later all of these things come rushing back into my mind. My therapist said we needed to talk about this. She said she wanted to know what was really bothering me. I said that even as an adult, the fact that I had been abused by other males, was hurting me mentally. I said that I did not know if that meant I was gay, bisexual, straight, or a combination of these. She wanted to know if all of these relationships had been nonconsensual. I said no. The older I seemed to become, the more I became a willing participant. There have been times when I have not been as averse to having sex with some of the men, as I did when I was younger. I was told that I should not be ashamed or embarrassed by any of this. It was quite natural, she said, for people to enjoy sex even if it was between two men, or a man and a woman. I also told her that I hated myself because I was disabled. She asked me if I could hate my disability without hating myself. I said that I had never thought about that, but I would do so during the weekend, and let her know next week.
Replies
\"She asked me if I could hate my disability without hating myself.\"
Hmmmmmm... Where have I heard something similar to THAT before..... Huh?! Huh?! Huh?!
There is NOTHING about YOU to hate. You\'ve been my good friend since Feb. 2007.
I don\'t even hate your disability, It\'s challenging but you can negotiate pretty much anywhere anyone can, like the Border\'s that was closed, and across a highway?
You will figure out the \'sex\' stuff... Don\'t give up.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
The feelings you have about the abuse are classic feelings. They are common to abuse survivors. Consent may have been a survival strategy. Humans need touch.
We can all hate your disability together, if you like. I will have a hard time hating anything about you, but I\'ll give it a go. I hate that it is so hard for you to find good help. I hate that you didn\'t get to choose your care providers right from the start. I hate that you can\'t get transportation that is reliable and punctual.
I immediately thought of the highway event that Weebs mentioned. I often picture you wheeling across lanes of traffic and think that is such a beautiful sight. I don\'t know why. I can\'t imagine you were happy at the time.
More hugs and mojo!
My disability is attached to me -- it is not something that can be removed. Therefore, we are one and the same. I cannot hate it without hating me. I can live with it, but not easily. I dislike the way I am often treated by others who do not know me. They see my wheelchair, and seem to make a snap judgment to the effect that I am not worth knowing. Their actions and behavior seem to drag me down. I have tried ignoring these feelings throughout most of my life, but it is very hard for me to continue doing this.
The sex stuff is very messy and complex. Part of me wants to give up on it, but I know that I will never truly be happy until I get this worked out and put behind me. I have grown extremely frustrated and exasperated, and told my therapist that this has upset me so much recently those thoughts of suicide have been pouring into my mind again. I know that it is not the right solution to my problems, and I have managed to avoid acting on them.
\"I cannot hate it without hating me.\"
I beg to differ... Your disability has NOTHING to do with how your heart is able to be kind to others, to support others, to do the real things that make you YOU.
You have a good mind and a good heart Jim. THAT\'S what makes you a GOOD PERSON.
The other stuff is just - other stuff.
My body is slowly failing me Jim. Would you have me hate myself for that??? Will I let that stop me from thinking and caring and laughing and being glad that they didn\'t write Detective Sanchez off The Closer??? (LOL) No way! Admittedly, some days, I do have trouble caring about anything lately. But, I know deep down I DO care. Sometimes I just need a break.
And sometimes during that break, I have to dust the house.... *ugh*
Hugs and Mojo again.
Weebs
I like what your therapist said. I do not know how to separate the two. For me I have been having a hard time ajusting to all of my conditons. Especially needing to use a wheelchair. I will try to hate my disability and not myself. But it will be hard.
I have struggled with a whole of issues related to sexual self. Give yourself time to work through it and with persistance you can do it.
I have big plans in this area after many years of counseling for March.
You are not alone. We all hate being disabled and the way other people treat us. The world isn\'t very kind to us it seems. But what matters most is what\'s inside of a person. The Good stuff is inside a person\'s heart and soul. These things cam NEVER BE DISABLED by ANYTHING. WE all have a special place and purpose in this world. We can NEVER forget that. many many hugs-Stephanie
I have had very noisy and intrusive neighbors for the past three months.
That lead my ptsd to the top levels.
The very frequent intrusions into my life, the threats made towards me by the man upstairs, his seemingly perverted viewpoints and twisted mentality, noise instigated hypervigilance, have again brought many memories to the surface for me.
I am having flashbacks and disconnected feelings.
I know how sexual abuse can seem to haunt us forever.
We must be gentle with ourselves.
We must realize that at any given time in our past, we made decisions that were based on how the sexual abuse effected us.
We must also remember that at any given time in our past we made the best possible choices we could make given our then current situations.
Sometimes I cringe with shame, when I think of what I said or did in the past.
But...the past is like smoke. Blow it away if it gets in the way too much.
Water seeks it\'s own level.
That is where we were.
How can we possible expect ourselves to make choices way back when we were deeply imprinted by abuse by using coping standards that we did not learn until years later ?
I do that a lot.
I judge the old me by how capable and aware I am today.
That is like assuming a first grader can have the same capabilities as a grad student.
\" I was told that I should not be ashamed or embarrassed by any of this. It was quite natural, she said, for people to enjoy sex even if it was between two men, or a man and a woman. \"
Excellent advice.