A Rough Day

Thursday, February 5, 2009 - 7:25 PM Yesterday was kind of rough for me. I saw my psychologist and we talked about the fact that I have not been feeling too well lately. She said this could be caused by stress resulting from a lot of problems and changes in my life.   I told her that I had been having difficulty sleeping at night, and that I had been thinking a lot about the sexual abuse that I have had throughout my lifetime. I cannot seem to get the sights, sounds, and images out of my mind. Even though there are times when I can get rid of these for a while, sooner or later all of these things come rushing back into my mind.   My therapist said we needed to talk about this. She said she wanted to know what was really bothering me. I said that even as an adult, the fact that I had been abused by other males, was hurting me mentally. I said that I did not know if that meant I was gay, bisexual, straight, or a combination of these.   She wanted to know if all of these relationships had been nonconsensual. I said no. The older I seemed to become, the more I became a willing participant. There have been times when I have not been as averse to having sex with some of the men, as I did when I was younger.   I was told that I should not be ashamed or embarrassed by any of this. It was quite natural, she said, for people to enjoy sex even if it was between two men, or a man and a woman.   I also told her that I hated myself because I was disabled. She asked me if I could hate my disability without hating myself. I said that I had never thought about that, but I would do so during the weekend, and let her know next week.