A Reflection
Dearest DS Sisters,
I have been reflecting lately on my place here on DS, and to be quite frank I have been thinking about dropping off. I have been feeling, like Beth said that I have been trying to “build a wall around my heart”. It has been so difficult to watch so many wonderful women fall victim to this horrendous disease. The first one that hit me hard was Julie. All of you may not have known her. She Passed about a year and one half ago. Julie was 40 years old and she had a 9 year old little boy. It was then I started asking myself, why her and not me? She had a little boy to raise. My children are grown. Since then there have been too many too mention. Of late of course there was Lindamae and now Inka. I guess what I have been feeling is survivor’s guilt. I was talking to my cousin over the weekend and telling her how I feel. She said maybe you were saved to help other people through their journey, giving them hope, understanding and support. It was as Oprah would say, “an aha moment”. My brother said something similar. His was more of the spiritual nature. I think also what Inka would have said to me. She would have pressed me to go on lending my support. Of course, I am not Inka. I do not have her knowledge nor her way with words that have always helped to calm and ease. She would seek out newcomers and welcome them into the fold. She was a very special person.
So my sisters, I will remain on DS, lending my support when and where I can. Simple as it may be. I hope I can be of some help.
Lindaheff, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Thanks for reading
Anita
I have been reflecting lately on my place here on DS, and to be quite frank I have been thinking about dropping off. I have been feeling, like Beth said that I have been trying to “build a wall around my heart”. It has been so difficult to watch so many wonderful women fall victim to this horrendous disease. The first one that hit me hard was Julie. All of you may not have known her. She Passed about a year and one half ago. Julie was 40 years old and she had a 9 year old little boy. It was then I started asking myself, why her and not me? She had a little boy to raise. My children are grown. Since then there have been too many too mention. Of late of course there was Lindamae and now Inka. I guess what I have been feeling is survivor’s guilt. I was talking to my cousin over the weekend and telling her how I feel. She said maybe you were saved to help other people through their journey, giving them hope, understanding and support. It was as Oprah would say, “an aha moment”. My brother said something similar. His was more of the spiritual nature. I think also what Inka would have said to me. She would have pressed me to go on lending my support. Of course, I am not Inka. I do not have her knowledge nor her way with words that have always helped to calm and ease. She would seek out newcomers and welcome them into the fold. She was a very special person.
So my sisters, I will remain on DS, lending my support when and where I can. Simple as it may be. I hope I can be of some help.
Lindaheff, you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.
Thanks for reading
Anita
Replies
Thank you for staying with us, and thank you for your honesty. I as one who is relatively new to this group, also finds it very difficult at times. My heart breaks for those who have succumbed to this dreadful disease. As a result of the many losses I find myself getting either depressed or losing hope. I don\'t know or care to foresee the future, but we definitely need \"survivors\" here!! Those telling us we can do this and not to lose hope. I found this quote recently, and it seems fitting: \"There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow.\" Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Hi Anita,
I\'ve been round the horn trying to post here - I was prompted to log in via facebook - what an ordeal just to post a comment. Ye old FB runs our lives!! lol
I left DS once and hurried back after about two months of being gone. I missed it. For me, I never expect anyone to live with ovca too long so I am not all that surprised when people die. I am much more surprised when people like you and I somehow remain in remission. I feel I must stay here as long as people still have ovca. My ca stage is identical to Inka\'s (1C) and she didn\'t have a recurrence until her 6th or 7th year - so I\'m a bit nervous BUT I never dreamed I\'d live THIS long!! I hope you stay but understand if you don\'t want to. love and purrs xxoo
thanks for rethinking your decision anita- we who are activelly battling the disease need words of wisdom and enouragement from people like you. i really appreciate you and all the women on this site- i use ds and also use \"inspire.com\" as there is just a wealth of knowledge on these sites from women living with this disease. i would encourage everyone to check out the inspire site in addition to our sisterly site here on ds-thanks again for staying with us-joanne
Dear Anita: I now exactly how you feel, but I think DS needs survivors like you, Rhoda, Mary Ann and Beth, to encourage others who are struggling with the disease. I have been in a very dark place lately too, and i do not have the disease, but my mother does. It is very difficult to lose people, and my mother says the same thing every time someone on DS or in her chemo lab eventually succumbs to the illness. But is not just the comfort and support on DS that has been so invaluable but the information too. I can\'t tell you how many times Mimi has been helped with information we garnered from DS. It has been invaluable and has a made a huge difference in her treatment.
I really recommend that you write the details your story on DS, and perhaps Janet, Beth, Mary Ann, and Rhoda will too. This is what is so encouraging to those who are battling the disease. Frankly, I do not think anyone has gone through what Janet has endured . . . with her coma and the recent happenings, but she has been victorious! We all need to hear the stories of the over comers in the group. So please tell your story. I think I have shared Mimi\'s many times, but I will share it again. I agree with \"mykidsrock\" that hope has a miraculous healing power. There is a scripture that reads, \"hope deferred makes the heart sick.\" How true. I too knew Julie, and it was devastating to lose her. I would love to hear how her son is doing. Also, I would love to hear about Candace\'s granddaughter, and I hope she is faring well. We have to believe that there is a better place our friends gone to, and that it is a much better place than here, and that they are somehow the lucky ones, even though in our humanness, it is difficult to think this way. I had always heard that an OVCA diagnosis was a death sentence, but that is no longer true. I am in awe of the women in my mother\'s chemo clinic who are close to celebrating their 12th to 20th years. They are still getting a low dose of chemo but they are alive and well!!!! Love XOX Susan
Anita, I\'ve only been on DS about a year, but I imagine there are many survivors who were here for a bit, and then dropped out when treatment is over, moving on to other important things in their lives. If I knew them, I\'d encourage them to check in at least periodically. It really helps those of us who are struggling to know there are some who have made it through, at least for a while. Maybe someday we\'ll be able to figure out why one and not the other, but for now, I just so appreciate everyone who isn\'t too tired to write!
Maybe we need to do more postings of the good things in our lives!
I hope you stick with your decision to stay with us.
I can understand how you feel Anita. It\'s sad and difficult to see our friends slowly die around us. I remember Julie and she was a dear friend of mine, she used to write interesting journals and was so full of energy. Of course recently we have lost two more dear friends, Lindamae and Inka. As you say Inka used to look out for new members in the ovc group and take them under her wing. If you feel comfortable, maybe you can encourage and support other members who are scared and need advice. But you have to decide what\'s right for you.
Take care, (((hugs)))) Gill
Dear Anita, I am so relieved you are staying on DS. We are here for a reason and it may hurt like hell some days but the joy we have received from these friendships are huge also. I too had a moment that it hit me and I think that was our dear friends that are not with us physically anymore giving me a nudge. Okay maybe a kick in the behind........
I remember like it was yesterday that first week after my diagnosis and so many here on DS I grabbed onto and held on for dear life. I couldn\'t do it with anyone else in my family or my friends. They didn\'t get it. I know you were there for me also. Thank you.
Love ya and GIANT celebration hugs. I am so happy you are here:~)
Beth
Anita, I am glad you\'re here, and even more relieved you\'ve reconsidered and are staying with us on DS. It\'s so hard to hear about the loss of another dear DS sister - I write this through tears, as I just checked in here after being away for over a week and learned of Inka\'s passing.
I totally understand what you mean about \"survivors guilt\" for I feel it too, and wonder often \"why someone else and not me\". But like you say, perhaps we are here for a reason - to support and encourage, and be that person who \"gets it\" when nobody else does. It\'s hard and it hurts and I\'m often so, so angry that any of us has had to deal with this rotten disease. But the love and outpouring of support and friendship I\'ve found here has been something beautiful that has come from something so terrible. Reading your comments has inspired me to check in here a little more often, just to see how everyone is doing, and I\'m glad you will be here for me to check in with, too.
And, although this is very late, Happy Birthday! I hope you had a nice day and that your family made a nice fuss over you :-)
Much love and hugs xxx LEllen
Dear Friends far and wide,
I haven\'t written since the spring when I was fortunate to finish chemo with a \"clean bill of health\". I still read my friends\' journals and my heart is heavy when I read the reports of declining health that we have come to recognize, that some battles are nearly done. Losing friends here hurts as much as hearing about members of my in person support group who have been told by their oncs that they\'re running out of options. When we are strong (whether spirit or body) we can help those who need a hand, help or information. And sometimes it\'s we ourselves who have been helped. I know I was by Inka and Lindamae. It\'s in their memory that I try to help members of \"the club\".
All the best,
Rochelle
Hi Anita, I wanted to write sooner but at work I am often just too busy and my daughter has taken over my computer at home these last couple of days. Finally, though, a moment! I am very glad you are staying on DS most of all because I consider you a friend and would certainly miss you. I understand about \"survivor\'s guilt.\" I somewhat have those same feelings going into remission when others do not. There was an article I saw once where a gynecological oncologist said that he couldn\'t say why one woman he\'d treat would have a long remission and another one didn\'t. There\'s a lot to still learn about this disease. Nevertheless, all of us, in our own way are affected by ovarian cancer and can speak to the impact it has had on our lives. I still remember you telling me about hair regrowth (and places where it didn\'t grow back). Plus, I love the pictures of Heidi and Christian and Texas flowers.
It is horrible losing, Inka, Lindamae, Candace, Julie, and Kathy Harker (she didn\'t post much but was also from Indianapolis). I pray daily for Linda and wish something would work for her. But, again, I am glad you are here. Much Love, Janet
Janet, thank you so much. I consider you a friend also. Thanks for remembering some of my posts and pics of my grandchildren. We do have a special bond here. I truly would miss ya\'ll if I did drop off. So for better or worse, I am here. :-)
I am so happy you are staying. You\'re helping me already by helping provide me some insight into this disease and the courageous women who are fighting it and sharing their insigh and knowledge to the rest of us. !!
Yay! I would miss you... so much. You have more \"A\'s\" in your name than anyone else I know and it is always fun to see that you have said hello. ^_^