a ray of light

i only ended up here after searching for some thing completely different on google.but i'm so glad i did. after 13 years off all this shit, god knows how many visits to the local mental unit and cpn's i have found some where i can be me! not pretending i'm ok, not lieing about self harming and stuff, with people who are not here to judge but hopefully just looking for a warm hug and a friendly smile when i think the world is again turning on me. i so hope that one day soon i will find some one in real life who will love me for who and what i am,every day off it,dont get me wrong i love me daughter with all my heart but "adult" love is some thing i miss so much,the hugs and kisses, every thing. its so heart breaking, with my disorder and being hurt so bad in the  past,i'm afraid to let any body in,afraid off being loved and scared that i am doomed to spend the rest off my life with out a hug.