A Rainy Day... Got Me Thinking...

It's Gray, and Depressing outside, and it started Me thinking about things. It's been Raining ever since this Morning, and doesn't show any signs of letting up.But, in a Way I don't really mind it because it's a good Match for My Mood right now.It's not that I'm truly depressed, I don't think.... and yet, I can't say I'm completely Happy, either. Ever been somewhere in Between like that ? That's where I am right now.One Good Thing is that I'll probably have Most of Today to Myself, because My BF went out this Morning to go attend an A.A. function that's supposed to continue ALL DAY Today, and into the Evening too. At least that's how He explained it. Whether ANY of what He told Me is the TRUTH ? WHO KNOWS ?! I'm never really completely sure anymore. I don't think Anyone would blame Me for feeling that Way, if They knew how many Times He's Lied to Me in the Past. Anyway... at least with Him OUT for now, I got to Sleep Late without Him fussing at Me to get up before I was ready to. I slept till almost 2 pm this Afternoon ! Yes, I know that's Extremely late, but it was ONLY because I haven't been sleeping well lately due to having a BAD COLD ! I cough so much at Night I can barely sleep lately ! Last Night I must have woken up at least 4  - 5 times because of My Coughing ! I told My BF that it's probably just because of My Allergies, but I suspect it's partly due to My Allergies, AND partly due to ALL of the Stress He's put Me under lately ! I just HOPE, and PRAY, that it'll clear up SOON ! But... moving on to what I said Earlier, about " Thinking ".... I've been trying very hard to figure out a Real Plan of Action in My Mind, as far as what to do about My entire situation with My BF. I want to feel SAFE again ! I want to know that No Matter WHAT I SAY, OR DO, I WON'T GET HURT BECAUSE OF IT !!!!! I really DON'T think that's too much to ask for ! ONE Thing is for Sure.... HE would be the ONE that would HAVE TO LEAVE ! NOT ME !!!!! .... Because this is MY APARTMENT... in MY NAME ! He knows this, and yet He'll still start up with One of Our Neighbors, knowing ALL TOO WELL that I DON'T WANT Him to start TROUBLE ! HE KNOWS that I'd be AFRAID of the Neighbor reporting HIM to the LEASING OFFICE, and then the LEASING OFFICE checking into it and finding that He's NOT on the LEASE ! They could claim it's a VIOLATION on My Lease, and end up handing out an EVICTION NOTICE for it !!!!! My BF knows I'm scared of that possibility ! BUT.... HE thinks He's ENTITLED to be an ASS whenever He THINKS someone has CROSSED HIM... i.e... WRONGED HIM.. in Some Way !!!!!Sometimes it seems as IF He thinks He's a " god ", or something, because it's as IF He truly believes He CAN DO ANYTHING... ANYTHING AT ALL.... AND EVERYONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE ' OKAY ' WITH IT !!!!! Is that having a " God Complex " ???? OR is that simply being a Psychotic Sociopath ????MAYBE BOTH ???? You tell Me... HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT ???!!!! It's NOT EASY, that's for damn sure ! Every Time He comes in from a " WALK ", and has a Frown on His Face, I start thinking... " OH NO !!! WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED NOW ?!!! " It's gotten so I almost want to be hidden somewhere, whenever He comes in from a Walk ! I don't want to deal with His RAGE that might be spilling out of Him, from His supposedly being WRONGED in by Someone that got in His Way during His Walk !Usually, I just FREEZE wherever I am when He comes back from a Walk, and He's OBVIOUSLY in a BAD MOOD ! I'll just stay wherever I am... and NOT move a muscle, UNLESS He ends up YELLING AT ME to get up, and do Something FOR HIM ! - which He has done sometimes. Even IF He makes some sort of RUDE, and/or CRUEL, comments towards Me, concerning where I'm sitting, and IF I did what He says I was " supposed to do ", or not....the ONLY Thing I can really do then is either get up, and start doing that thing IF He's in the Other Room and not nearby enough to come AT ME !... OR I'll just still sit where I am... still FROZEN, and NOT offer any sort of arguement, no matter how cold and unfeeling what He's saying to Me is ! The Key reason I won't offer any sort of explanation, or arguement, about the cold things He'll say to Me during that situation, is because I KNOW that in the Mood He's in He will NOT listen to REASON, at all !!!! There's NO REASONING with Him when He's in a RAGE ! NOT AT ALL !!!! I guess that's the Nature of the " Beast ", so to speak.It's NOT about REASON, and ALL ABOUT ANGER, AND HATE ! It shocks Me quite often how MUCH HATE must be inside Him, to have a RAGE in Him that would EXPLODE like that so often ! He's told Me... confided in Me... about Things He went through as a Child.I think that's Part of the KEY to why He is the WAY that He is.YET, I'm NOT His Psychiatrist ! I'm supposed to be His LOVE... His GF ! I don't want to be His Psychiatrist ! IS that COLD of Me to say ?????? IS it Selfish of Me to feel this Way ?????I hope not. The thing is, that I do LOVE Him... WHY ? I've been asking Myself lately, but I still do... despite EVERYTHING ! YET.... I'm tired of feeling like His Psychiatrist ! HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP ! I've told Him this MANY Times, and I've even tried to OFFER to Help Him arrange it.I've told Him that I would even make the Calls needed to get Him the Insurance He needs, since right now He has NO Insurance. BUT, He always finds an EXCUSE for Me to NOT do it ! He always finds EXCUSES for NOT getting the Help He needs ! So MANY Times, He's CLAIMED that He's DEALING WITH HIS RAGE.... ON HIS OWN... WITHOUT PROFESSIONAL HELP... AND THAT HE'S BEEN DOING BETTER WITH IT ! BETTER WITH IT ????? Oh Really ???!!!! IF He's doing so much BETTER WITH IT, then WHY am I sitting here with Bruises on My Arm, and My Right Ankle, and My Right Leg ?????!!!!! He's definitely in DENIAL about His RAGE, that's for sure.I've seen His Denial about it FIRST HAND, when afterwards... once He's calmed down.. I've pointed out the Signs of what He did to Me, and He can BARELY look at Me ! He'll turn away, and get suddenly VERY QUIET ! Obviously, He always want to shove away any Memories of how He Hurt Me ! He tries hard to PRETEND that it didn't happen ! I JUST WISH I COULD DO THAT.... at least I wish that Sometimes ! BUT,  I CAN'T... BECAUSE I LIVE WITH THE SIGNS OF WHAT HE DOES ! I carry constant reminders of His RAGE. I'm POSITIVE that He has NO CLUE what that does to Me ! It's like a NIGHTMARE that I CAN'T WAKE UP FROM ! It's like Reliving it ... OVER AND OVER AND OVER.. AGAIN !!!! A LIVING ' FLASH BACK '... if you will. He doesn't understand that He NOT ONLY hurts My BODY when He HURTS ME, but He's ALSO HURTING MY SOUL !!!! I start to wonder... WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS ???? AM I REALLY SO AWFUL THAT I DESERVE TO BE HURT ???? IS THIS THE BEST I CAN EXPECT FROM ' LOVE ' ???? This CAN'T BE LOVE ! It just CAN'T BE ! HOW CAN HE CLAIM TO ' LOVE ME ', AND YET STILL HURT ME THE WAY THAT HE DOES ????? Over the Last Few Days, or so... Ever Since the Last Time He HURT ME... He's been SO LOVING... IT'S BEEN ALMOST UNREAL ! It's making Me almost want to ask Him... " WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE GUY THAT HURT ME ? WHO ARE YOU ? " SPLIT PERSONALITY DISORDER ????!!! I wonder IF that could even be PART of ALL OF HIS MANY PROBLEMS ?????!!!! Who Knows ?! I sure as heck don't ... ALL I know is that I WANT HIS LOVE... AND NOT HIS RAGE ! I've told Him this MANY TIMES... too many to count... and yet, still... Here I am still being Hurt whenever His RAGE comes out ! He's PROMISED ME MANY TIMES to NEVER HURT ME AGAIN, but that's ALWAYS proved to be an EMPTY PROMISE ! I couldn't help but notice that the Last Time I asked Him about that PROMISE, He actually came out and admitted to Me that HE CAN'T PROMISE THAT !!!!! That should have been a HUGE RED FLAG to Me ! I can see that now. I should have taken that to Heart, and ENDED THINGS right there !BUT, I still held onto HOPE... as HOPELESS as it all is ! That was a Shock to hear Him say that, because that was ONE of the RARE MOMENTS when He's ACTUALLY OWNED UP TO HOW HE REALLY IS !Any other time He tries to act as IF there is NO PROBLEM, pretty much. I just want HAPPINESS in My Life AGAIN .... TRUE HAPPINESS... NOT just for a DAY, or even for a WEEK, but HAPPINESS that sticks around ! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO WANT ???? My BF definitely makes it seem like I want too much ! WHY is it that He makes it seem as IF it's SO HARD... SUCH A HARD, AND DAUNTING TASK.... TO SIMPLY, AND TRULY, LOVE ME !!!???!!! I've told Him MANY TIMES... I DON'T CARE ABOUT MONEY, OR THINGS.... ALL I WANT IS YOUR LOVE... YOUR HEART ! THAT SHOULD NOT BE TOO HARD FOR HIM TO GIVE ME..... SHOULD IT ????