A Purpose For All Of This

 
It's 3 A.M. and I got about 4 hours of sleep in and something told me to get up and write a bit.  Opening my PC and popping in to DS, I find that insomnia is a frequent visitor in the lives of some of my dear friends here.  While we all suffer our losses differently, we still suffer the same at times.  Our fragile minds are tormented by the "what ifs" and "whys"....questions that won't have answers for us, I am afraid.
Yesterday I wrote of my battle with Bipolar Depression and how I was not taking my Zoloft, and I expressed how my mind was making me weird and my emotions were all over the place.  I did not anticipate the reaction this admission would illicit from my group of friends.  One special friend feared greatly for me and begged me to get back on my meds.  Another dear one offered to research where I could get meds at little or no cost.  Yet another has actually DONE the research and provided an avenue for me to pursue.  Still more wonderful friends have offered prayers, love, and an over abundance of emotional support that I feel truly blessed and uplifted by the gestures.
To clarify things, I am not taking my Zoloft for reasons other than financial, and I am certain that my doctor would help me obtain some if I could not afford it on my own.  I'm not totally without the means to obtain the stuff, but I have ulterior motives for all of this. 
I believe in Karma, and I now believe in God.  The emotions and thoughts that are flowing from deep within me and coming out of me in this journal are teaching me much.  I am fortunate to be in a situation where I have the time to experience all of this without the pressures of work and the responsibility for the support of others.  (Yet.)
I think I have said it before that my journal is the "window to my soul", and I'm figuring out just who I am and what I am.  I love to write.  I communicate much more clearly on "paper" than I do when speaking, and I have been told on more than one occasion that I have a "gift".  I don't know, but perhaps.  My mother was a direct descendant of the essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson, which, of course, mixes his blood with mine, and who knows???
At any rate, my intention is to write in my journal and write often.  I want to document my experiences in learning to know and accept God; to document my journey of grief; to relay the intense feelings that depression can bring; and to tie it all together so I get to know "Joe".  My goal is to be as candid and open with my innermost thoughts, be they dark or light.  I want to "confess" and own up to what is inside of me, yearning to come out.  And I want to do it without mind altering substances if I can.  And I want to do it in such a way that finances and money are irrelevant.  Naked in the eyes of God, if you will.  Like a monk or something. 
I want to stay at it for a full year and then take a look at what I have become through the experience.  I have received nothing but respect, support, encouragement and love from everyone here, and I have a trust developing within me for this place.  I have not been judged.  I want to bare it all over this course and then I want to gather it all up, make it a book, and share it with the world in the hopes that some other lost soul may benefit from what I have experienced throughout my lifetime.  Just an ordinary guy with extraordinary things happening inside of him every time life "kicks him in the crotch".  And life has certainly done that to me at times.
Anyway, after a year of walking the path with you guys, I may have a better grip on everything, and maybe God and I can manage without the Zoloft.  And you are all welcome to join me in my journey by peeking into this "window to my soul".  It might get a little ugly.  There will no doubt be a tear or two.  The anger is sure to come, and for that please allow me to pre-apologize for anything I may say in anger when it DOES come.  It will surely become intensely personal and possibly embarrassing for me and for you.  The language may get a little salty at times, but it's MY journal, and you can skip the rough parts or skip the whole damned thing if that is your desire.  That being said, I invite you to tag along as I take my "Journey to the Center of the Mind:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UN2VNFpiGWo
Leave your cares behind
Come with us and find
The pleasures of a journey to the center of the mind
Come along if you care
Come along if you dare
Take a ride to the land inside of your mind
Beyond the seas of thought
Beyond the realm of what
Across the streams of hopes and dreams
Where things are really not 
But please realize
Youll probably be surprised
For it's the land unknown to man
Where fantasy is fact
So if you can, please understand
You might not come back 
How happy life could be
If all of mankind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Would take the time to journey to the center of the mind
Center of the mind
So as the song says: "Come along if you care....Come along if you dare...."  Grab your popcorn, and watch the show with me??...............Joe....:-)  
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks for the invite Joe, think I\'ll just bring some M&M\'s. Good luck and I\'m listening.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wonderful idea - I am sure that you will find it useful and enlightening. I appreciate the opportunity to ride along and share in the journey.
Hugs, Gail
deleted_user
deleted_user

Joe -- I am so blessed to have you as a friend.

Have a blessed day my friend! Carla
OnMyOwn2010
OnMyOwn2010

I\'m one of the imsomniacs...glad I woke up to and decided to pop in for a quick visit...I for one don\'t want to miss a single episode...Good, bad, or ugly...and language be damned...Snake made liberal us of salt in his conversations at times...Blessings & Hugs ....~E~....Pass those M&M\'s, Judi.....
deleted_user
deleted_user

You go Joe. I always find your words inspiring, and savvy. And I always think of all of you, as I know you all do me as well. What a journey...............Patty
deleted_user
deleted_user

It is so wonderful to have caring friends to travel this journey with us. Take care, Sandra
deleted_user
deleted_user

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deleted_user
deleted_user

Oops, never posted a comment. Joe, I will be glad to read all your post during your journey. I hope I don\'t offend you but I don\'t think now is the time to go without your meds. You apparently needed them while your wife was alive and times were better. Depression has more to do with your brain than your mind or your belief in God. It is not a good time to try the will to power, your brain may negatively affect your thought process too. I hate to think you will go into the deepest pits of despair without tools that you needed before this. Just concerned. Hug, Donna