a pm to another mother ...
I came to your Journal to encourage you so it would be a lasting comment brandishing - no lingering - there. So that every time you visited there to read others comments or wanted to go back and read it - you could find it and it wouldn't just vanish into the back pages of your personal messages as this one will..
We have a lot in common as far as your child goes. My daughter had been hospitalized bec my pediatrician recommended she be evaluated for drugs. (Which I later found to be absurd - she was clinically depressed) While there one of her friends reported US to Children & Youth Family Services for child abuse. We went through the usual investigations, etc. for 6 mo in which time they worked with our family of 7 (5 children). We were 'Unfounded' but they asked me if I wanted them to remain 'in-placement' anyways.
(I was feeling overwhelmed, bec I didn't realize it at the time but I had postpartum depression caused by my mother passing away 3 weeks before my first child was born, 7 pregnancies, two miscarriages, 5 live births, 1 deceased birth, and my father-in-law, whom I loved dearly, passed away 5 months after my last child was born. All this within the framework of 10 yrs.Also, my marriage was "falling apart" for lack of support from my husband who was living an 'idealic life of Riley' as was fostered by myself and my upbringing. As I mentioned in another statement "He didn't even do the bills." I thought I was doing what was expected of me.)
But, of course, naive little me, an older mother of 40, jumped at the offer of expert help. Please bear in mind that I was not thinking clearly, let alone intelligently, at the time. I accepted their offer of weekly family sessions. Because of her previous placement my 12 yr old daughter was removed from public school and placed in a school for troubled children. (This turns my stomach as I tell you this)
Next, they decided, to allow my said daughter to "opt for foster-care"!! I couldn't believe it - They took my child away to a place that was 45 min away by car. I was only permitted to visit her once every two weeks there for two hours. And they would continually cancel visits without much notice. It was a nightmare. And, little did I know, it was worse for my daughter in her placement. She said she wasn't going to ask to come back after she was the one who insisted on leaving. She had to wait on the family like a servant and clean their house etc.
(I likened this to your daughter opting to move in with your mom at 13.)
She was returned to me at 15, through the courts, with full custody, as I had left my husband and was living on my own by then. It was like holding onto a handful of sand - feeling it and watching it disappear through my fingers - falling away from me! She had chosen to live with me but there was a wall of frost where the full furbance of mother/daughter love had once flourished. My heart was broken once again.
I will continue this at another time but let it suffice for now that my lovely, vivacious, red /auburn-haired girl lives far away from me. She is 39 yrs old now. She lives with her husband, three daughters of her own and a son. We don't talk.. I never see her anymore. My heart is empty.
Oh, and please start a journal so myself and others can comfort, encourage, and advise you .. Otherwise, you are completely on your own.
You needn't worry about saving this as I have decided to Journal it myself in my own entry. Because we are Friends it will be available to you there under the October 9, 2011 entry along with this post "How to Develop Detachment" which was originated by kaching of Moms ...[link listed below] on Over The Fence DS Support Group which I personally founded July 17, 2011 this summer to help others to support each other and to share information.
[ I have copy/pasted it here so it will be constantly available for those who chose to read my journal as a permanent fail-safe for those with broken hearts that need to heal such as yours ...NDY ]
How to Develop DetachmentPosted on 09/08/11, 07:57 am It was requested that I post this info I recently added to Moms of Estranged Adult Children -
If you have adult children or others who do harm to you over and over and cause you grief this is a list to savor in getting them out of your life. "How to Develop Detachment"In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
If you need support during estrangement you can find us at: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups...
We have a lot in common as far as your child goes. My daughter had been hospitalized bec my pediatrician recommended she be evaluated for drugs. (Which I later found to be absurd - she was clinically depressed) While there one of her friends reported US to Children & Youth Family Services for child abuse. We went through the usual investigations, etc. for 6 mo in which time they worked with our family of 7 (5 children). We were 'Unfounded' but they asked me if I wanted them to remain 'in-placement' anyways.
(I was feeling overwhelmed, bec I didn't realize it at the time but I had postpartum depression caused by my mother passing away 3 weeks before my first child was born, 7 pregnancies, two miscarriages, 5 live births, 1 deceased birth, and my father-in-law, whom I loved dearly, passed away 5 months after my last child was born. All this within the framework of 10 yrs.Also, my marriage was "falling apart" for lack of support from my husband who was living an 'idealic life of Riley' as was fostered by myself and my upbringing. As I mentioned in another statement "He didn't even do the bills." I thought I was doing what was expected of me.)
But, of course, naive little me, an older mother of 40, jumped at the offer of expert help. Please bear in mind that I was not thinking clearly, let alone intelligently, at the time. I accepted their offer of weekly family sessions. Because of her previous placement my 12 yr old daughter was removed from public school and placed in a school for troubled children. (This turns my stomach as I tell you this)
Next, they decided, to allow my said daughter to "opt for foster-care"!! I couldn't believe it - They took my child away to a place that was 45 min away by car. I was only permitted to visit her once every two weeks there for two hours. And they would continually cancel visits without much notice. It was a nightmare. And, little did I know, it was worse for my daughter in her placement. She said she wasn't going to ask to come back after she was the one who insisted on leaving. She had to wait on the family like a servant and clean their house etc.
(I likened this to your daughter opting to move in with your mom at 13.)
She was returned to me at 15, through the courts, with full custody, as I had left my husband and was living on my own by then. It was like holding onto a handful of sand - feeling it and watching it disappear through my fingers - falling away from me! She had chosen to live with me but there was a wall of frost where the full furbance of mother/daughter love had once flourished. My heart was broken once again.
I will continue this at another time but let it suffice for now that my lovely, vivacious, red /auburn-haired girl lives far away from me. She is 39 yrs old now. She lives with her husband, three daughters of her own and a son. We don't talk.. I never see her anymore. My heart is empty.
Oh, and please start a journal so myself and others can comfort, encourage, and advise you .. Otherwise, you are completely on your own.
You needn't worry about saving this as I have decided to Journal it myself in my own entry. Because we are Friends it will be available to you there under the October 9, 2011 entry along with this post "How to Develop Detachment" which was originated by kaching of Moms ...[link listed below] on Over The Fence DS Support Group which I personally founded July 17, 2011 this summer to help others to support each other and to share information.
[ I have copy/pasted it here so it will be constantly available for those who chose to read my journal as a permanent fail-safe for those with broken hearts that need to heal such as yours ...NDY ]
How to Develop DetachmentPosted on 09/08/11, 07:57 am It was requested that I post this info I recently added to Moms of Estranged Adult Children -
If you have adult children or others who do harm to you over and over and cause you grief this is a list to savor in getting them out of your life. "How to Develop Detachment"In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
If you need support during estrangement you can find us at: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups...
Replies
Here is a link to Moms of Estranged Adult Children
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mom-of-estranged-adult-children-all-topics
You will find compassion & comfort here from others just like you.
And No ~ You are not the only One ...
Here is a link to Over The Fence Neighborhood where we are waiting to Welcome you. Come hear our song to You !
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/over-the-fence
Where there is always something fun to do, music, videos, games, & talk ...
Hello my friend. That was a lot of work for you an a lot of good info. I only wish some of your statements were as simple as they sound.
I like this.
As I previously stated above the copy/paste article \"How to Develop Detachment \"- I did not originate this article. This was from Kaching and was taken from the following. I cannot take personal credit except for passing it along to you:
Here is a link to Moms of Estranged Adult Children
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups...
NDY