A party for myself
This weekend is my birthday. I'm not looking forward to it, mostly because I know it will be disappointing. I stopped having expectations for birthdays after being disappointed time after time. I hate planning my own birthday parties and so I told my friend the other day, when I was feeling especially down, that I just wanted to go out with the girls and see some happy faces.Tonight is the night. We're going to go out and of course people are bailing left and right. Truth is, I don't want it to be more than 5-8 people because we usually have more fun with that number. More than that and there are too many conversations and I don't know what's going on.
But I still had to ask to have a birthday party and that is kind of weird, isn't it?
I had such a sweet compliment today. An online friend told me that I made her feel closer to God and that she wanted to be like me. That is truly touching. I try to love people the way they are. If only I could love myself the way I am, without reservation. If only I could kick depression's ass and get the things accomplished that I desire to do in my heart. Oh how life would be better! But I'm held back over and over.
I am lonely. I want to connect to people that know me, the real me, that I don't have to pretend to be anything. I can just be me with my occasional slip of a curse word and my love of diet Coke and pretty paper and flowers and silly things. I have been inexplicably exhausted this past week, beyond period exhausted. I just want to sleep. But who wants to hang out with that person? I sure as hell don't!
I have to make my kids some dinner if I'm going to go out with my friends. If my daughter is not home in time for me to go out, I'm going to be raging pissed off.
DD
But I still had to ask to have a birthday party and that is kind of weird, isn't it?
I had such a sweet compliment today. An online friend told me that I made her feel closer to God and that she wanted to be like me. That is truly touching. I try to love people the way they are. If only I could love myself the way I am, without reservation. If only I could kick depression's ass and get the things accomplished that I desire to do in my heart. Oh how life would be better! But I'm held back over and over.
I am lonely. I want to connect to people that know me, the real me, that I don't have to pretend to be anything. I can just be me with my occasional slip of a curse word and my love of diet Coke and pretty paper and flowers and silly things. I have been inexplicably exhausted this past week, beyond period exhausted. I just want to sleep. But who wants to hang out with that person? I sure as hell don't!
I have to make my kids some dinner if I'm going to go out with my friends. If my daughter is not home in time for me to go out, I'm going to be raging pissed off.
DD
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