A Note To Julien

At 36 weeks, less than a month left to go,
our water had broke, it was time for a show!
Early indeed, but ready to proceed
with the birthing process, till we started to bleed.
 
Placenta abruption caused your death, we now know
Both of us clinging to life, as blood started to flow.
Why is this happening… why is your heartbeat so low?
Doctor assured me it was great just a few hours ago.
No God, I beg you, it’s not his time to go!
Take me, take me, please let my Julien grow!
 
Why spare my life, but had to take his?
My heart can’t recover it has nothing left to give.
I’m sorry I won’t easily forgive,
when you gave me no reason and didn't allow him to live.
 
As I awoke, I spoke to a nurse
I expected bad news, but this was the worst.
By the look on her face, I shouldn’t have asked
I already knew that my son had just passed.
 
Your brother is not sleeping, were some hard words to say
As they held you in their arms, where you so comfortably lay.
Envisioning their future with you slowly fading away,
when we had to explain that you weren’t able to stay.
 
I’m so happy I got to hold you, even though it was brief.
You looked so peaceful, like in a comfy sleep.
Surreal to think, I will never get to hold you again.
I’m still in shock, in absolute disbelief!
 
Oh how I wish I could have taken you home,
rocked you to sleep as I sang you a song.
But reality has set in, my dreams are now gone.
I can no longer hold you in my arms, where you truly belong. 
 
Mommy’s arms are empty with no baby to hold.
My heart feels so heavy, destroyed and so cold.
I have nothing left, only sadness inside.
A heart forever broken the day that you died.
 
I shed tears for what might have been.
A million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you, 
you never would have died!
 
Coming home to an empty nursery was especially tough,
without baby in hand, it’s just a room full of stuff.
If I’m being  punished, why be so rough?
Loosing my baby, wasn’t THAT hard enough?
 
What will I do, when I see people that knew,
start asking questions about what happened to you?
I’m just not ready to explain the loss of my son.
Not to friends, nor family, not ready to talk to anyone!
 
They say things happen for a reason, then please give me ONE!
Cause this mother can’t handle the loss of her son.
I guess I am left with no explanation,
Only feelings of anger, grief and frustration.
 
What now, how do I move ahead?
When it’s a struggle just to get out of bed.
I keep seeing mother’s to be,
possibly the hardest thing for me to see.
Especially now you are no longer inside of me.
 
My body unaware that you were away,
mommy’s milk still came in today.
Bonding between mother and child, what I desperately need
Now a painful reminder, there’s no baby to feed.
 
They say there’s a reason,
They say time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
will ever change the way I feel.
 
A handful of pictures, is all that I’ve got.
Never will there be photos of you as a tot.
A two page scrapbook may not seem like a lot,
Rest assured, it will show all the love that you brought.
 
I wish I could say,
it will be okay.
But life is so cruel,
it took away my baby Jul.
 
Someone explain, please tell me why
my sweet little baby needed to die.
How is this fair, shouldn’t I have at least heard him cry?
Even worse, never got to tell him goodbye.