A New Year - A different life

Well the start of this New year was rather difficult. I had so many memories to sort through as they were forcing their way to my conscious mind. New Year's day was the mark of our beginning -- you asked me to marry you 15 years ago that day. Never did I think that this is how life would be today. You were so young and our life was perfectly imperfect and I was so happy. A word that is escaping me recently. The reality is starting to come to the surface and I have a life to chose. I don't know where or how I am going. I am trying to decide what I want at this moment through the fear and loneliness. I get a glimpse of ideas and my mind gets panicked wondering how to succeed.
Those friends we thought we had have all but vanished from my life right now. New Year's Eve proved how empty it is becoming. No one answered my inquiries and I sat alone until I walked the dogs, briefly admiring the fireworks. Then some neighbors around the place I am staying asked me to join them. And I did in attempts to relieve some pain. I actually had a decent time until the stroke of midnight when I returned home to talk to you wishing I could kiss you one more time.
I have closed out my journal in an attempt to write about this new journey I am on in a fresh new one. 
So Many Changes,
Not all expected,
Not all desired,
But all necessary
Because
Here I am!