A New Year
Oh boy I'm glad 2014 is over! My mom died in March, my wife died in July, my best friend died in September. Also in September, Faith the Dog died. I was her volunteer webmaster for the past few years, she meant a lot to me. I'm trying to think about all these losses as "housecleaning" or something like that. I'm still me, just without some very good friends, I miss them terribly. One day last week I started missing Arlene, then Mario, then some classmates in college who died. It was diffcult, but when I had spent some time grieving, then I felt blessed to have known them.
I even miss my mom a little. She physically and verbally abused me as a child, she only stopped hitting me when I grew large enough to hit her back - I remember her shock when I swung back! She was an artist, one of the Abstract Expressionist artists in the East Village in NYC in the 50s and 60s. Many of those people were inadequate parents, they were selfish and neglected their kids.
I had a good friend who was the son of another artist, we used to play music together. He was also a junkie, I tried shooting Dilaudid once with him. A couple of years later, he died in a Chinatown shooting gallery. I still think about Marc often.
Anyway, my mom told my fiancee that she was disappointed I was not gay so I would always be "mommys boy." She also confided that my father was a "progressive schizophrenic" (a made-up diagnosis) and wasn't my fiancee afraid our kids would inherit that? My dad died of a massive hemorrage caused by alcoholism when I was 16. From what I have been able to find out, he was probably Bipolar and self-medicated with alcohol. I asked his first wife why he was discharged from the Army. She told me, "He refused to get out of bed for a week." The first Bipolar depression I can remember, when I was 13, I refused to get out of bed for week. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
So I spent most of my marriage as a pawn in a struggle between my wife and my mother, more from my mother's side, my wife was not very interested in the struggle. My family tried hard to "separate" me from my wife, which eventually made me turn my back on them.
When I made a concerted decision to work on myself a few years ago, I was able to "fix" my dysfunctional marriage. First I had to learn to accept, forgive and love myself. I also tried several different combos of meds over a few years until I found one that helped without bad side effects. I separated from my wife for a few years, but I still saw her and sent her money. One day I was on a bus and she got on and sat in the seat in front of me, without noticing me. That is when I took off my wedding ring.
Circumstances forced us to move in together, and we argued less, there was no physical abuse, and we actually had FUN! I am sure that was possible because of the work I did on myself. Anyway, her last few years, we had a pretty good relationship. 25 years of marriage, and the last 5 were ok. I am grateful for that, and that she did not die hating me. When she was home in a hospital bed and I took care of her, she told me, "I would not be able to do the same thing for you. Thank you." I reminded her, when my Bipolar symproms were severe in the early 90s, to the point that I developed Narcolepsy and had to take Dexedrine, she supported me. I am glad I was able to do a mitzvah and pay her back.
I also reached out to my mom, whose last words had been "Act like I'm already dead." We had a few years of nice holidays together. When she needed help after dialysis, I picked her up 3x a week, and made sure she had her medications and food. When she had to go to Assisted Living, my wife was starting to get sick, and my mom had the care she needed. I visited her 2 or 3 times in the home, once we went to a concert in the auditorium together. I called her about 6 months before she died, all she was capable of saying was "Okay" - but I knew she knew it was me. I told her I love her, that was my goodbye.
I am a self-employed consultant in Web Application Architecture and Development. Mostly I use a framework named Drupal which is in great demand. I picked it as a good tool about 9 years ago, so I am on a pretty Senior level with it. Also I got a lucky break freelancing about 6 years ago and I broke into the elite Enterprise consulting circle, working for major clients like NBC, Pfizer, Columbia University. Usually I work for a client for 6-10 months, until the project is done and/or they run out of money to pay for me. Normally it takes only 2-3 weeks to find a new contract, but I was released by my last client at the end of October, and it took me until the last week of December to get a new contract, mostly because of the holidaze.
I like to work for clients whose business helps people. I felt pretty icky working for Pfizer. My last client provided access to data about Microfinance Investments and Social Performance around the world. The data helped investors make decisions, and helped the recipients improve their attraction for investments. I knew at the end of the day my work was helping poor people in developing countries.
My current client, Remedy Partners, is brokering the new "bundled payments" for healthcare in the US. Rather than paying a fee-for-service to each health provider, the providers opt into a "bundle" which is a complete course of treatment for episodes like Acute Myocardial Infarction. Remedy Partners uses Big Data to make recommendations about the course of treatment, so that the patient has consistent management of the entire "episode" of treatment. The goal is to achieve the best possible outcome during a health "episode" - also there is incentive for the providers to keep the costs low. If they complete the episode under the average cost, they share in the difference; if the episode goes over the average cost, they take a loss. Starting Monday they are using a tool I built last week to enter bundle selections for providers in the Medicare system. They are also negotiating with 100s of HMO networks, and will eventually roll out a portal for patients to access information about their personal episode, and how it compares to the "average" with recommendations for the best possible outcome.
When I started, they had a hard deadline to build the tool to capture the data. I worked 50 hours my first week, and 80 hours the second week, by the end the tool was mostly built. I get paid by the hour, my first paycheck will be nice. Last week the hours settled down to "normal."
I have been interested in "fixing" the US healthcare system, and also I have personal experience with the willy-nilly way my wife's healthcare was given. I'm not sure if better management could have prevented her death, but it could have improved her quality of life. For example, after her second hospitalization, she was supposed to get home visits from a nurse. But due to technicalities, that didn't happen, so I had to try to care for her myself. I thought she was getting better, then one day she became unresponsive, I called 911, and she was admitted to the ICU and died 3 weeks later.
She was uninsured, and the last hospital sent a bill for - yikes! - $562,000. And that is only the hospital charges, it does not include the doctors' fees. The hospital told me Charity Care will probably cover some of it, and the rest they will have to write off. So that means someone has to pay for it, and it raises the costs for other patients. With more consistent management, the costs could be lower and more predictable.
I have been playing my guitar more. It is a good kind of meditation for me, I always feel centered and happier after I play. I also got to play a few songs at a small New Years Eve Party, 6 people, at the house of a friend who also loved my wife and my "second wife" - my best friend Mario, who died in September, also after inconsistent management of his health care. My profile photo was taken at that party.
I have been seeing my daughter and my son-in-law (I like him, he's good for her). She just said she wants to set me up on a "bro date" with the father of one of her friends.
But I'm not lonely. At home, I have our two miniature poodles, and 4 cats. Two we adopted as rescued kittens from a TNR program. Then when my mom died, I took her two old cats. They all get along, and give me daily responsibilities and a lot of love. The oldest dog was diagnosed with severe diabetes last year, the vet wanted to put her down, but I said, "Let's try insulin injections." She got better, then the other dog jumped her and hurt her leg, now she can't walk, so I keep her on wee-wee pads. But she has a hearty appetite, and enjoys treats and interaction. After a bath, she relaxes like a baby wrapped in a towel. I keep an eye on her, if her quality of life deteriorates to the point that she is suffering, I know I have to put her out of misery. But not yet...
In addition to daughter and son-in-law, I have several friends. I went to the house of one to watch a MLB playoff with her boyfriend, who was a roommate in the group home where I went after my last hospitalization about 7 years ago. We watched a lot of sports together there. I ordered pizzas and brought beer. A couple of neighbors came by, it was a nice little party.
I even miss my mom a little. She physically and verbally abused me as a child, she only stopped hitting me when I grew large enough to hit her back - I remember her shock when I swung back! She was an artist, one of the Abstract Expressionist artists in the East Village in NYC in the 50s and 60s. Many of those people were inadequate parents, they were selfish and neglected their kids.
I had a good friend who was the son of another artist, we used to play music together. He was also a junkie, I tried shooting Dilaudid once with him. A couple of years later, he died in a Chinatown shooting gallery. I still think about Marc often.
Anyway, my mom told my fiancee that she was disappointed I was not gay so I would always be "mommys boy." She also confided that my father was a "progressive schizophrenic" (a made-up diagnosis) and wasn't my fiancee afraid our kids would inherit that? My dad died of a massive hemorrage caused by alcoholism when I was 16. From what I have been able to find out, he was probably Bipolar and self-medicated with alcohol. I asked his first wife why he was discharged from the Army. She told me, "He refused to get out of bed for a week." The first Bipolar depression I can remember, when I was 13, I refused to get out of bed for week. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
So I spent most of my marriage as a pawn in a struggle between my wife and my mother, more from my mother's side, my wife was not very interested in the struggle. My family tried hard to "separate" me from my wife, which eventually made me turn my back on them.
When I made a concerted decision to work on myself a few years ago, I was able to "fix" my dysfunctional marriage. First I had to learn to accept, forgive and love myself. I also tried several different combos of meds over a few years until I found one that helped without bad side effects. I separated from my wife for a few years, but I still saw her and sent her money. One day I was on a bus and she got on and sat in the seat in front of me, without noticing me. That is when I took off my wedding ring.
Circumstances forced us to move in together, and we argued less, there was no physical abuse, and we actually had FUN! I am sure that was possible because of the work I did on myself. Anyway, her last few years, we had a pretty good relationship. 25 years of marriage, and the last 5 were ok. I am grateful for that, and that she did not die hating me. When she was home in a hospital bed and I took care of her, she told me, "I would not be able to do the same thing for you. Thank you." I reminded her, when my Bipolar symproms were severe in the early 90s, to the point that I developed Narcolepsy and had to take Dexedrine, she supported me. I am glad I was able to do a mitzvah and pay her back.
I also reached out to my mom, whose last words had been "Act like I'm already dead." We had a few years of nice holidays together. When she needed help after dialysis, I picked her up 3x a week, and made sure she had her medications and food. When she had to go to Assisted Living, my wife was starting to get sick, and my mom had the care she needed. I visited her 2 or 3 times in the home, once we went to a concert in the auditorium together. I called her about 6 months before she died, all she was capable of saying was "Okay" - but I knew she knew it was me. I told her I love her, that was my goodbye.
I am a self-employed consultant in Web Application Architecture and Development. Mostly I use a framework named Drupal which is in great demand. I picked it as a good tool about 9 years ago, so I am on a pretty Senior level with it. Also I got a lucky break freelancing about 6 years ago and I broke into the elite Enterprise consulting circle, working for major clients like NBC, Pfizer, Columbia University. Usually I work for a client for 6-10 months, until the project is done and/or they run out of money to pay for me. Normally it takes only 2-3 weeks to find a new contract, but I was released by my last client at the end of October, and it took me until the last week of December to get a new contract, mostly because of the holidaze.
I like to work for clients whose business helps people. I felt pretty icky working for Pfizer. My last client provided access to data about Microfinance Investments and Social Performance around the world. The data helped investors make decisions, and helped the recipients improve their attraction for investments. I knew at the end of the day my work was helping poor people in developing countries.
My current client, Remedy Partners, is brokering the new "bundled payments" for healthcare in the US. Rather than paying a fee-for-service to each health provider, the providers opt into a "bundle" which is a complete course of treatment for episodes like Acute Myocardial Infarction. Remedy Partners uses Big Data to make recommendations about the course of treatment, so that the patient has consistent management of the entire "episode" of treatment. The goal is to achieve the best possible outcome during a health "episode" - also there is incentive for the providers to keep the costs low. If they complete the episode under the average cost, they share in the difference; if the episode goes over the average cost, they take a loss. Starting Monday they are using a tool I built last week to enter bundle selections for providers in the Medicare system. They are also negotiating with 100s of HMO networks, and will eventually roll out a portal for patients to access information about their personal episode, and how it compares to the "average" with recommendations for the best possible outcome.
When I started, they had a hard deadline to build the tool to capture the data. I worked 50 hours my first week, and 80 hours the second week, by the end the tool was mostly built. I get paid by the hour, my first paycheck will be nice. Last week the hours settled down to "normal."
I have been interested in "fixing" the US healthcare system, and also I have personal experience with the willy-nilly way my wife's healthcare was given. I'm not sure if better management could have prevented her death, but it could have improved her quality of life. For example, after her second hospitalization, she was supposed to get home visits from a nurse. But due to technicalities, that didn't happen, so I had to try to care for her myself. I thought she was getting better, then one day she became unresponsive, I called 911, and she was admitted to the ICU and died 3 weeks later.
She was uninsured, and the last hospital sent a bill for - yikes! - $562,000. And that is only the hospital charges, it does not include the doctors' fees. The hospital told me Charity Care will probably cover some of it, and the rest they will have to write off. So that means someone has to pay for it, and it raises the costs for other patients. With more consistent management, the costs could be lower and more predictable.
I have been playing my guitar more. It is a good kind of meditation for me, I always feel centered and happier after I play. I also got to play a few songs at a small New Years Eve Party, 6 people, at the house of a friend who also loved my wife and my "second wife" - my best friend Mario, who died in September, also after inconsistent management of his health care. My profile photo was taken at that party.
I have been seeing my daughter and my son-in-law (I like him, he's good for her). She just said she wants to set me up on a "bro date" with the father of one of her friends.
But I'm not lonely. At home, I have our two miniature poodles, and 4 cats. Two we adopted as rescued kittens from a TNR program. Then when my mom died, I took her two old cats. They all get along, and give me daily responsibilities and a lot of love. The oldest dog was diagnosed with severe diabetes last year, the vet wanted to put her down, but I said, "Let's try insulin injections." She got better, then the other dog jumped her and hurt her leg, now she can't walk, so I keep her on wee-wee pads. But she has a hearty appetite, and enjoys treats and interaction. After a bath, she relaxes like a baby wrapped in a towel. I keep an eye on her, if her quality of life deteriorates to the point that she is suffering, I know I have to put her out of misery. But not yet...
In addition to daughter and son-in-law, I have several friends. I went to the house of one to watch a MLB playoff with her boyfriend, who was a roommate in the group home where I went after my last hospitalization about 7 years ago. We watched a lot of sports together there. I ordered pizzas and brought beer. A couple of neighbors came by, it was a nice little party.
Replies
This is interesting and well written. You seem to have come to terms with life\'s misfortunes. I am so touched by your care of the dogs and cats. Animals are my preferred type of people :)