a new relationship

I have always avoided relationships, I was just never comfterable opening up to people physically or emotionally, I would have freak outs, panic attacks or spiral into depressive episodes and push people away when they tried, I know I should have more faith in people but based on past experiences I don't want to. People who have hurt me the most in terms of bullying and abuse etc, have always been people I had some degree of trust in. everyone is nice to me on the surface and they end up being monsters to me so of course now when people are kind to me I just feel so wary of them, like I should watch my back. The paranoia is killing me. I've managed to maintain some close relationships over the past couple years but I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't difficult. I want to be proud of the progress i've made though because I can now hug people without having panic attacks and I don't flinch or duck when someone goes to high five me. I've finally had my first kiss at eighteen and I didn't cry or spiral. I still have a long way to go and I'm not sure about this new relationship I'm in. It's my first boyfriend and I'm not sure how to handle it, all the thoughts are driving me crazy but I don't want to let this control my life anymore, I need to find a way to move forward. I don't want to be a victim forever, so I'm taking a chance on him and hopefully this all ends well I suppose but ups and downs are a part of life and I don't want to be scared that one of them will break me, I have to have faith that I am stronger than that. That if I surivived all of this other crap in my life that I can handle whatever life throws at me and not allow it to turn me into someone bitter and angry but rather someone who shows compassion and kindness no matter what, Hopefully this all happens, I don't even know how today will go and I'll probably upload fairly often because I feel like I can actually express myself here and I feel understood which I really like