"a new level of self-discipline"
I read David Brooks' op-ed NYTimes piece ("Leaving and Cleaving") on estrangement yesterday, and saw my own lack of self-discipline in the face of my estrangement. I am not blaming myself, just seeing myself. I started writing an email apologizing to ES for all the times I tried to get him to talk to me, my references to all he would lose if he didn't, my obviously manipulative and desperate pleas. I forgive myself because I have to. I didn't fully realize what I was doing, really, because I was deep in grief and loss and resentment. I couldn't send the apology to him, though.
I can finally handle the estrangement, but I can't risk the sliver of possibility that he might answer. I guess I may now understand the difference between "letting go of blame" and "forgiveness." I don't blame him anymore, but I don't want to see him again right now. I'm too weak.
I've come a long way since I found my way to this site on Jan. 31. When I read some of what I wrote about a month ago, it is obvious how angry I was. I was screaming "Abuse!" Now I see things differently, and that is good for me. But the wound has only begun to heal, and I don't want to see him or write to him until I have healed more. Maybe that is what forgiveness would signify, but I don't know. I'm just imagining. There has to be a better state of mind than mine, a place where I could risk seeing him again.
I can finally handle the estrangement, but I can't risk the sliver of possibility that he might answer. I guess I may now understand the difference between "letting go of blame" and "forgiveness." I don't blame him anymore, but I don't want to see him again right now. I'm too weak.
I've come a long way since I found my way to this site on Jan. 31. When I read some of what I wrote about a month ago, it is obvious how angry I was. I was screaming "Abuse!" Now I see things differently, and that is good for me. But the wound has only begun to heal, and I don't want to see him or write to him until I have healed more. Maybe that is what forgiveness would signify, but I don't know. I'm just imagining. There has to be a better state of mind than mine, a place where I could risk seeing him again.
Replies
I think it is more acceptance of what we dont have control over. Until we get to that we cannot move on. We have to move on dear. Prayerfully they will return one day but until then we have to live, and until they want to unite it wont happen no matter how sad we are. (hug)
I think you are so right about acceptance of what we can\'t control, which is just what I need to remember right now, along with the reality that my sadness is not all of what I feel now, just a part of all I feel. Thanks for your kind words. They really, really help.
I\'m glad you didn\'t send it, but sometimes a simple \"We Love You\" can help. I\'ve tried, & found it makes \"Me\" feel better. ; ) Hugs xoxo
I hope you have healed more. It does take time and a lot of thought given to it.
I am so much better. Reading Eckhart Tolle and therapy and the help I got here helped a lot. Thank you for writing a comment. Very kind.
I am glad you hear you are doing so much better...that is encouragement to all of us. I have good days and bad days, but the good are outnumbering the bad, and that is progress. I have not given up, but I have accepted the situation. I continue to pray daily for him, and should he come back he would get open arms. In the meantime I am counting my blessings for all I do have. Hugs to you!
Thanks so much, poodles. I was thinking of you the other day, meant to let you know, and forgot till just now. I was recalling your saying (forgive any mis-remembering) perhaps your situation was a blessing in some sense because you had greater faith or learned from it. I have recently had the thought that my estrangement has forced me to grow spiritually, to look deeper into what it means to live in the present and get a glimpse of awareness that is separate from ego. (I see my ego and his as the cause of our estrangement, so I see estrangement as leading me to the realization of the harm of ego.)The best thing is that I am up and about as much as my body can take. I have a yard that was neglected for over a year and spend my time working in it these days. I am loving being outside and don\'t even mind the heat, though of course I do come in to rest and cool off when I need to. It feels like a blessing to have the work to do. There is nothing else I would rather do right now. I\'m getting stronger. I think our travels made a huge difference -- getting out of my own head for a good solid three weeks. I wish all the hurting parents could take time and get out of their normal lives in a complete way, but it was expensive. I do have moments of sadness but they are fleeting. Like you, I accept what is and enjoy my work outdoors and my reading indoors. I am glad you are continuing to develop your spiritual awareness. You sound hopeful and very compassionate. Thanks and warm hugs.
I am happy you find solace in your garden! We do just have to seek a release from our obsessing over these estranged young adults. Jesus when the garden alone when he was in need.
Ching, do you ever see the Couch column in the NYTimes? The one called \"The Importance of Hide-and-Seek\" from June 30 really got to me today. Today was my therapy day and also the anniversary of my dear mother\'s death in 2002, whom I miss so much. Have cried a whole lot today. The garden is both literally and symbolically a place to be quiet and alone, but also a place one can be found. Thank you for reaching out to me. I really appreciate it, especially as a person who is all-too-often alone, a matter I am starting to work on in therapy, since I have pretty much learned how to live with the sadness of estrangement and can work on other issues. At least I am off my own couch, even if still on the therapist\'s! Hooray, I\'m up! Hugs to you.
I just read it and will post the topic on our site! For anyone who is not a member you can read it here: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/06/30/the-importance-of-hide-and-seek/?_r=0
We act out our hurt by hiding but we want to be found! Nice.
Blessings.
I enjoyed the article. l Thanks for the posting the link, Hard.
2GetUp, you are making strides and it is good to know your therapist is wise and helping you! Many of us lose our temper as I did recently with ED and now another estrangement. May you have the wisdom to hold your tongue and hold your letter until you really know what you want to say to your ES.
Being estranged is my new normal. It took many years and lots of soul-searching to get here. I am not perfect, never will be. I also will never tolerate abuse from anyone. I did it for so long that IT was my former normal. My ED is a bully. I hope she changes for my GC. My care and concern is reserved for them. In all honesty, I don\'t miss the person ED is. I miss who she once was. I worked hold on to the letter for now.