A Million Little Pieces

I don't know how to do this anymore. I don't know how to make some semblance of a life anymore. I feel like my mind and heart have been shattered into a millions little pieces. I have been crying for weeks and I know Ed's 2nd Angel date is approaching and his birthday right after is part of it. As much as I am trying not to give power to dates they are here and it hurts.
This year would have been Ed's 40th birthday. He passed away at 37 only 18 days before his 38th birthday. Maybe it is because his ex Elaine got to have her 40th birthday last year and her 41st this past a week ago (she was a little older than Ed). And my ex husband's kids are going to be older than Ed in a few years. And all Ed's friends are turning 40. And Ed's son Josh cried last night and said, "Grammy, I had plans for Dad's 40th birthday and now they will never happen."  I said, "Yes, Josh, you are right and there is nothing fair about that. You were robbed of so much."
I feel robbed and cheated and I know life isn't fair. But I am angry and tired. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thank you for listening. It helps to let it out because there is no one who understands what this is like for me except for all of you.